I come to you from a 29-foot camper with no real internet, 30 mph wind that hasn’t stopped since it started and a new best friend I met 12 hours ago because she said, “I’m drinking wine.” I’m not sure she knows we are best friends but that’s ok. She’s, my people. That’s the whole story. That’s all you need to know about how this trip is going. Day 1
Let me back up. Last year my husband and I ditched the tent and bought a camper… which sounds like an achievement until you realize we were sleeping on the ground like cannibals well into our 50s…and 60’s for one of us….mmmkkkay. It’s not fancy but it’s ours. No pop-outs. No Bulter. No lavish loo. There’s a bed that’s not on the ground and a roof that is not a tarp. It’s years of bitching comes to fruition. Never give up sisters. You too can get off your back.
We are waterfront in Hatteras, NC. It’s beautiful and windy. I mean WINDY. Like, I can’t fart without it carrying 3 campsites down windy. That’s Hatteras. She’s wild and beautiful at all times. The campground is packed. Lots of chi’rens. Not ideal. I love your chir’ens….at your house. 29 Feet of living space sounds like a lot compared to a tent. And it is. Until you have a 6’2” husband, a dog, all my wine/accessories and no place to put it all. As long as I have wine and A/C…I don’t care where any of it goes.
The Food Situation. You knew this would be problematic. What do you do when you camp? You drink, eat and relax. The first 2 seem to take over like a feral cat who hasn’t eaten in years. Guilty? Of course. I bought all the shit. You would think we were going Boondocking with no hope of replenishment for weeks. Did I mention the 3rd person we brought with us? If you know me, you know her by name….Little Debbie…aka BIG Deborah. Here is what I have eaten in the last 48 hours. I will not be taking questions. Chips. Hot dogs. S’mores. More chips. Something my husband cooked over fire I could not identify but ate anyway because it smelled good…and wine. Canned Rose’ to be clear. I was too lazy to open a bottle. Moving on…Campfire nachos which are just regular nachos but you eat them outside so they taste better and have more dirt in them. Another hot dog. Protein Bar…I told myself this balanced everything out. It did not. I’m not sure I really ate all of that but judging by my food hangover I can’t be far off. Thank God I left the scale at home. My GLP-1 is somewhere in my bag…silently judging me. We are not on speaking terms this week.
I Forgot My Bathing Suit. Of Course I did. Because it’s summer and I’m camping at the beach. Ask me how many coats I brought. At least 10. It’s 9 million degrees and 100% humidity. I’m sure they will come in handy. How to address the bathing suit sitch? I will be carrying my fat ass down to the Wings and buying whatever bathing they have left in my size. Which will be nothing short of pornographic, I’m sure. A teeny, tiny, string situation designed for a 22-year-old not all 53 years that is me….mmmmkay. I have no choice. There will be no photographic evidence of this tragedy.
The Neighbor Situation (A Love Story). Her name is not important. What IS important is that within 20 minutes of setting up camp she wandered over and said the words every girl wants to hear, “I’m drinking wine.” Please pause for prayer. My new bestie. This is how women over 50 make friends. Through wine, proximity and the mutual understanding that we are both too old to pretend we are reading the bible and knitting. We are not. We are eating everything and washing it down with wine. Yes. Yes, we are. Too be clear our friendship is limited to drinking and camping. We are breaking up when we leave. Unless she subscribes to my Youtube channel and then she is outranking everyone of you.
Close Quarters: A Marriage Documentary. My husband and I living in 29 feet is a study in either love or tolerance. Honestly, I’m not sure where one ends and the other begins. I give you spotty internet, a scratching dog and a bathroom sitch that doesn’t involve the usual loitering ….. Now let me tell you what there IS. A quiet relaxation that is assumed the minute you pull in. Aint nobody got time for your buuullllshit. Sit your ass down, relax and do what you came here to do. Sunsets, water, cool breezes and wine. Lots of wine. I’m working here this week but that’s ok. I’m a very happy camper/worker person who appreciates I could be sleeping on the ground in a sauna. Mmmkkkay..
More dispatches from the field as the wifi allows. Which, based on current performance, means never.
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