Serving up Bad Advice with a Side of Great Instincts
Dear Demented Dear Abby,
My husband has taken up pickleball. I know. I KNOW. He plays four times a week, has purchased special shoes and has started following pickleball influencers on Instagram. He talks about his “game” like he’s going to Wimbledon. Last week he skipped our anniversary dinner because there was a “round robin tournament” at the rec center. We have been married 24 years. I lost to a paddle sport. Please advise.
Signed,
Pickled in Pittsburgh
Dear Pickleball Widow,
My, my you are certainly in a pickle, aren’t you? To think your husband chose to play with his pickle over you speaks volumes. We find when men seek extra curricular activties outside the marriage, it’s bcs the wife is BORING! My guess is there’s some hottie in one of those skimpy tennis skirts that’s caught his attention. Here’s the best advice I can offer you, start playing with his balls or find a new husband. Bye girl bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Demented Dear Abby,
Something has happened to my arms. I don’t know when it happened or who authorized it but they are no longer my arms. They are my grandmother’s arms. I was waving goodbye to someone last Tuesday and I watched the situation unfold in slow motion. I have since cancelled all waving. I am also avoiding tank tops, sleeveless anything and the fluorescent lighting in my bathroom which is basically a crime scene at this point. Is there a support group?
Signed,
Waving Goodbye in Wisconsin
Dear Waving in Wisconsin,
Let me tell you what happened to your arms…you are Fatty McFatty! Newsflash…gravity didn’t kidnap your triceps and take them for a little get away south of the border! You ate and aged your way into your own hell. There’s this thing called “The Gym” that is equipped to handle bitches like you. My guess is you’ve never heard of such a place. Since you love your pantry so much, grab you a can of baked beans and push them behind you one arm at a time. 3 sets of 10. If you can do that without eating them, you are cured. Order some turtlenecks from Amazon. Guessing you’ll need them. Bye girl bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Demented Dear Abby,
My 24-year-old daughter called me last week to tell me she’s gone vegan and quit her job to “focus on her Etsy shop.” Oh and she is thinking about getting a face tattoo. All in the same phone call mind you. I had to pull over. I raised this child on chicken nuggets and a solid work ethic and this is what I get. Her Etsy shop has 3 listings and 0 sales. The face tattoo is “just an idea.” I have not slept since Thursday. What do I do?
Signed,
Unraveling in Utah
Dear Mother of the Year,
You must be so proud. You know this is your fault right? It’s the chicken nuggets. Everyone knows they are lips and ass. Had you fed her Kale like the rest of the “woke” Mother’s you wouldn’t be in this situation…mmmmkkkay. Clearly she got her go getter skills from you….0 sales and a face tat. Nice. It’s not sleep you need it’s a new child. Are you young enough to send her to the nuns and make another one? Where is your husband in all this? Playing pickleball I assume. Le sigh. You better clean out the basement. She’s moving back in any day now…and most likely marrying the tattoo artist. Your Mother of the Bride dress should scream Goth loser, FYI. Bye girl bye.
XO
kellerB
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