But I would….Serving up Bad Advice with a Side of Great Instincts
Dear Demented Abby,
I need help. My husband of 22 years has recently developed opinions. This man who for two decades could not tell you what he wanted for dinner, what color to paint the living room, or whether he preferred paper or plastic has suddenly become a person with thoughts. Specific, vocal, unsolicited thoughts.
It started with the dishwasher. Apparently I’ve been loading it wrong our entire marriage and he has chosen NOW to bring this up. Then came the towel folding situation. Then he had notes on how I was grocery shopping. Last Tuesday he stood in the kitchen and watched me make coffee …COFFEE…and said “huh, interesting method.”
I have been running this household since before he knew what a fitted sheet was. Who IS this man and what has he done with my unbothered husband? More importantly how do I make it stop before I load HIM into the dishwasher?
Signed,
Dishwasher Widow
Dear Under New Management
You are correct. YOU need help. It’s clear your husband has been hiding in silence for years. You are a tad scary. Praise the Lort He hath found his voice! Amen sisters! Hellllur there hubby! Welcome to the “Men with Balls” era of your marriage. As for you…Apparently you haven’t been running the house effectively or your husband wouldn’t need to break out of his shell and teach you basic domestic skills…. mmmmkay. He’s definitely having an affair. When their balls get big, they are being serviced by another player…true story. This is his last hoorah before he leaves your ass for someone who can fold a fitted sheet AND load a dishwasher properly. Perhaps you can start over with another submissive puss who will put up with your ineffective household management skills. Was it really that hard to be a good wife? I think not. Bye ho bye.
XO,
kellerB
Dear Demented Abby,
I need to report a missing person. My best friend of 15 years has been replaced by someone I don’t fully recognize and I don’t know what to do about it.
It started slowly. A few years ago she got into some stuff online. I don’t even know what to call it. A little of this, a little of that. Now she’s posting things on Facebook that make me do a full stop scroll. Things I would have never expected from her. Things that are making me question if I even know this person anymore.
We still talk. We still make plans. But there’s this thing now sitting between us that we don’t address and every time I see a new post I feel it get a little bigger. She’s my person. Or she was. I don’t know how to handle this without blowing up a 15-year friendship or completely betraying myself in the process.
Signed,
Missing My Person
Dear Error 404: Best Friend Not Found
A little more information might be…. oh I don’t know…. helpful behatch! What “stuff” did she get into online? Are talking soft porn, domenatrix type stuff or is she passively letting you know she’s just not that into you anymore? I mean it’s a clever way to get rid of an annoying friend if you ax me. Just start passively pissing her off until she gets the hint. The problem is…. you can’t take a hint! Why don’t you pull up your big gurl panties and address the elephant in the room? You skurrrred a something? My guess is you are butt hurt over something stupid like everyone else on social media. The only thing sitting between you and your “person” is a computer screen. Get yer ass up and have a conversation. Aint that hard. Worst submission EVER award goes to…..YOU! Send me your friends deets. I think she’s a genius. Bye gurl bye.
XO,
kellerB
Dear Demented Abby,
I have lost weight. I am happy about this. What I am NOT happy about is the unsolicited commentary that apparently comes with it.
Everyone has something to say. My coworker told me I looked “so much healthier” which, thank you, but also what were you saying about me before? My aunt said I was “wasting away” and did I need to eat something. A woman I barely know at church grabbed my arm and asked what my secret was in a tone that suggested she deserved to know. And my personal favorite a friend who hasn’t mentioned my body once in ten years suddenly can’t stop bringing it up.
My body. MY body. The one I live in. The one nobody asked about when I was bigger and apparently cannot stop discussing now that I’m smaller. I didn’t realize losing weight meant my body became public property. Nobody sent me that memo.
How do I get people to close their mouths about something that was never any of their business to begin with?
Signed,
Before and After
Dear Forever Fatty,
I have waited my entire life for this submission! Feral Fatty is housebroken and no one will let her live in her new skin. Classic! Ima say it…they ALWAYS thought you were fat. Truth. Even I think you were fat and I’ve never seen you! Lis’Ten…you can’t lose weight and then get mad when people tell you you look good. Would you have preferred they say, “Damn you are fat as fuck. You need to lose some weight?!” Why no you wouldn’t. So, you can’t get mad when they complement you for finally putting down the F’n donuts and doing something about it! I wish my family would say I was wasting away! I’d suck up that gravy all day long! What’s wrong with you? You don’t want to be called fat. You don’t want to be called skinny. You want people to tell you look great as always. Um…I don’t know who these “people” are. You know why? Because they don’t exist bitch! Ima break this down real simply for you: The ones who never called you fat…they are your friends. The ones who think you are too skinny…they are NOT. They liked having a fat friend and you just killed their vibe. Now go return your SPANX and quit whining. Lort and the actual baby Jesus.
XO,
kellerB
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