But I would….Serving up Bad Advice with a Side of Great Instincts
Dear Demented Dear Abby,
My husband has started going to bed at 8:30pm. Not 9. Not 9:30. 8. Thirty. He sets an alarm, announces it like he’s boarding a flight, and disappears. I am left alone on the couch every single night with the dog, a half glass of wine, and my feelings. Last Saturday he went to bed before the sun did. I didn’t sign up to be a golf widow who also eats dinner at 4pm. Is this my life now?
— Abandoned After Dark in Atlanta
Dear Glass Half Empty,
Let’s discuss the real problem….why do you have half a glass of wine? That alone is grounds for divorce. Maybe your husband sees you for the underachieving whore you are….just a guess. If you set your feelings aside (say in the trash bin) and address the wine sitch my guess is your golf loving husband might find another place to sink his balls. He may even join you on the couch for said activties. Perhaps a trip to Forever 21 for a tiny little golf skirt and you might be able to tee up his club enough to make it to 10pm. Please report back post haste. Bye gurl Bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Demented Dear Abby,
I need to talk about my chin. Chins. There are now two of them and they showed up without notice or an invitation sometime around my 49th birthday. I have tried every cream, every serum, every YouTube exercise where you stick your tongue to the ceiling like a lizard. Nothing. My mother has three chins and I used to think that was her problem. It is now my problem. Is there anything left to do or do I just start buying turtlenecks in bulk?
— Double Trouble in Dallas
Dear “Chinderella,”
I love how you lead with “I’ve tried all the serums, creams and exercises” to no avail. Ever tried putting the fork down? It’s all the rage. I can’t imagine why you would be sticking your tongue to the ceiling unless there was some low hanging meat tempting you. When in doubt blame your mother for fatty genetics. Good times. Perhaps you need a Stepmother like Lady Tremaine to teach you the value of caloric deficit. I fear you are too old and fat to reverse course. I’d start praying for a mate….Chin Diesel perhaps? Bye gurl bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Demented Dear Abby,
My best friend of 22 years has found Jesus, a juice cleanse, and a multilevel marketing company all in the same calendar year. She used to be fun. We used to close down bars together. Now she sends me Bible verses at 6am, wants me to try something called a “liver flush,” and asked if I’d be interested in “a ground floor business opportunity.” I miss my friend. I also blocked her number twice by accident on purpose. Help.
— Grieving in Georgia
Dear Joy Kill Jill,
Why you hatin’ on “Goal Digger Gail?” Just bcs you are an atheist alcoholic doesn’t mean “Gail” wants to follow you into the pits of hell. If you miss her so much go to Church with her. Don’t worry…they serve wine. You’ll feel right at home. Sounds like you need to look in the mirror and adjust more than your weave. There’s more to life than being the CEO of Happy Hour mmmmmmkay. Time to drink the Koolaide… Bye gurl Bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Demented Dear Abby,
I gave up drinking four months ago and nobody knows what to do with me. My husband keeps offering me wine out of habit and then panicking. My friends invite me places and then apologize for having fun. One actually said “we didn’t know if you’d still want to come out now that you’re…you know…” I am SOBER not DEAD. I still like people. I still like going out. I just don’t want a hangover that lasts four days anymore. How do I make this less weird for everyone?
— Dry But Delightful in Denver
,
Dear Dry Debbie,
I’m glad you think you are delightful. That makes 1 of us. Listen to how that sounds, “Dry Debbie.” About as boring as I’m sure you are. I know less than 5 people who are fun without alcohol. I call them my neices and nephews. I get this whole sober movement is a thing BUT….some people need to drink to be fun. Clearly you are one of them. Your poor husband. I can hook him up with the Golf Widow or Chinderella when he’s done tip toeing around your dryness. I don’t pretend to understand people who don’t Run on Rose.’ It’s simply not a skill I possess. Bye gurl Bye.
XO
kellerB
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