Dear Fatty,
I’m freaking out. It’s almost summer and I haven’t lost any weight. In fact I’ve gained. I always start fresh at the beginning of the year but I can never seem to make it happen. I feel like everyone around me has lost and I’m going to stand out like a sore thumb at the beach. Why can’t I get on the ball and lose weight?! I guess I’m not “fat” per say but I weigh more than I should. People always tell me I look great…that I’m athletic. I wish they would stop.
Dear Thicky Ricardo,
Girl! Settle down….breathe. From one phatty to another I feel your pain! First, you need new friends. People who tell you you look good when you don’t are just trying to beat you to the skinny finish line….mmmmmkkkkkay. Dead to me….that’s what they are. You know how you feel and how you want to look. Just tell them to fuck off or something. Works for me. The Golden Rule when trying to lose weight….you have to out exercise what you eat. Start running to McDonalds. Walk to Krispy Kreme. Just some things to try. I’m guessing it’s not a stretch to assume you inhale your food? Slow the fuck down. Chew for fuck sake. No one wants to watch your food aggression play out over the Sunday dinner table. Spit flying, gnawing fat off the bone like a condemned prisoner, breathing through your nose so as not to compromise your chewing machine….not hot girl….not hot. You’re all worried about the beach and I dare say you need to focus on the dinner table. Aint nobody inviting you ova. FYI, your stomach doesn’t have teeth. But you do bitch! Use em! If you want to look good for the summer season you need to back away from fridge and put down the chicken wings. Someone once said, “You have to love skinny more than you love food.” I don’t know who that person is/was but I do know they are miserable as fuck. Keep eating girl…they made tankini’s for the phatty’s. Work it…
XO
kellerB
Dear Fatty,
In an attempt to change my lifestyle I’m doing a 2 week detox program. I drink 2 shakes a day and have one sensible meal. I can’t have sugar, carbs, bread, alcohol…basically everything I eat/drink during a normal weekday. I told myself I could do anything for 2 weeks but I’m one week in and I want to throw in the towel! Friday night was the worst….I always have cocktails and dinner with my husband. Instead I had soda water and a shake! There’s no joy in this. Should I stay the course or throw in the towel…
Dear Misery,
What in the actual fuck were you thinking? Oh let’s see….I’ll take away everything that brings me happiness for 2 weeks to jump start me back to Jesus! Hell to the nah! Girl! Living in sin (hot or not) is so much better. Soda water and shakes on a Friday night?! Your lucky your husband didn’t call 911 and have you committed! I hope you don’t think me your “Stay the course you can do it” cheerleader? I cannot endorse this. I’d sooner shove knives up my vagina than participate in this Tom Fuckery. Alright let me settle down and think…..so you did this bcs you want to be “healthy.” I get it. We all want to be “those people” whoever they are. I’ll tell you who they are….closet eating freaks! Sorry…I derail easily. If you think you need to do this then you should spare everyone who knows you the misery of watching it play out. Get chu a hotel room for 2 weeks and shake away while the rest of us move about the cabin. Girl! You do realize you could get run over by a Hostess truck tomorrow and die right? So the last thing you want to do is deprive yourself of life’s finer pleasures? Tell me you can’t have sex and I’m calling an intervention. Is your vag toxic too? For fucks sake! Ok I’ve got it now…here’s what you need to do: Go to the grocery store immediately. Get you some Chardonnay, Twinkies and Cheetos. Sit your fat ass down in front of the TV and watch my 900lb life. You will feel so much better about yourself! Promise! Unless you need Dr. “Now” to pay you a visit you are doing 100 times better than most. Carry on….
Dear Fatty,
I’m embarrassed to even write in about this but I feel like since it’s anonymous maybe you can help. I’m chubby and my pants (no matter how big) tend to cling to…well you know my girly parts down south. I guess people call it camel toe or something. It’s so embarrassing. It doesn’t matter what pants I have on, the problem persists. I feel like when I’m in public people are staring. Any advice?
Dear Moose Knuckle,
Jesus take the actual wheel! What is going on down there? Surely they make pants to hide the divide? If your vaginal vortex is so strong it’s sucking the seams of your garments into your girly cavern, I fear you need a gyno not a demented Dear Abby! That’s gotta hurt! I actually had to step away from the keyboard to process all that is you. Now I’m back and I’m still horrified but ok let’s see what we can do. Put your Vagina on a fuckin diet! How big does that thing have to be to knuckle up? Your dating life must be on fire. Again, as I am trying to help yet I keep slipping over to the dark side. I fear this one may be too much for old Dear Fatty. Can you duct tape it? That seems to solve all the worlds problems. Gorilla Glue? Aha! How about pads? Whilst uncomfortable, I do believe they would provide some cammo cover for your moose. Honestly, just wear a skirt. A big flowy “can’t see my huge vag” skirt. And make sure you are on Tinder. This should def be in your bio…bye girl bye.
XO
kellerB