Dear Help a Sister Out,
I woke up the other night, crawled to the bathroom and back to bed hoping not to wake up too much. In the morning while I was making the bed, I happened to look down and there was a piece of toilet paper about a foot long laying next to the bed. I was laughing so hard thinking I was having one of those “Jackie Gleason” moments. The next morning, I proceeded to go to the bathroom to put my make-up on and get ready for the day. I was almost done when I felt an itch on my butt. I reached around to scratch it and found another piece of toilet paper hanging out my underwear. It was about 8 inches long. I was cracking up thinking how many “Jackie Gleason” moments can one girl have? Do you think I have “JG Syndrome” or is this my older age?
Dear Shit Show,
Girl! I find myself at a loss for words. I can’t unsee the visual horror show unfolding as I read your submission. I fear there’s no going back from here. Blaming Jackie Gleason for your inability to wipe your ass and properly dispose of said paper products is a bit of a stretch mmmmmkaaay. He’s an ACTOR….say it with me “ACTOR.” He pretends to do off the wall things to make people laugh. It appears the only one laughing at your paper trail is you! Humor me….do you have a husband? Please tell me you didn’t share this story with him. Assuming he’s still got enough get up and go to get up in all that is you, this would be a hard (pun) overshare on your part. There are just some things that should only be shared with your inside voice or a friend who pops zits for sport. These are the only acceptable options. Well, and me I guess. However, I didn’t have a choice in the matter. If I had an actual editor, you would have been solving this one on your own. The only advice I can muster up is as follows: “Wake the fuck up when heading to the loo, wipe your ass and remember to check your undercarriage for any accessories that didn’t come in with you.” If your husband is in need of some mental support after this incident, please tell him to reach out. You are so never getting laid again. *Random sign of the cross*
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I have a friend that’s so negative. Like all the time. She could win the lottery and still be miserable. She’s part of our close circle so we can’t just stop hanging out with her. We’ve tried talking to her to see if we can help. She doesn’t think she’s negative which makes it even harder to find a solution. When she’s around we try extra hard to be positive and lift her spirits. But she just brings the rest of us down and kills the vibe. Do you have any suggestions?
Dear Positive Polly,
Girl! Not everyone is a ray of F’n sunshine! Some people hide behind the clouds bcs there’s shit they don’t want you to see or know about. Instead of puking all your positivity on her, why not try and be a bitches bitch and help a sister out! Most people who have issues don’t know they have issues. Just ask the shit show in the previous post…moving right along. I get the sense your learning ended prior to the 5th grade so here’s some script to guide you: “Hey Negative Nancy. What the fuck is wrong with you? Quit pissing in everyone’s Cheerios or find another sandbox to play in.” Perhaps a tad strong. Not everyone can pull it off. Let me channel my inner “Miss Cleo” and see what she thinks. (pause for random chanting). Aha! I am getting the sense your friend doesn’t have an “Earl.” THIS is the problem! Polly….the girl needs some dick! Be a good friend and find someone to bang her. It really is the answer to everything. If she has an “Earl,” perhaps she desires an “Earline.” Love is love. No matter how you slice it, that “thang” needs a tune up. Get her a gift card to Tinder, Jiffy Lube….I don’t care. A serviced sister is a happy sister. Next time misery knocks on your door, check the panties first.
XO
kellerb