Dear Help a Sister Out,
It’s almost Mother’s Day and I don’t know what to get my Mother. She has everything and won’t tell me what she wants. Honestly I find this to be another one of those annoying Hallmark Holidays. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my Mother but I try and show her that all year long. Not to mention I have a sister that’s super competitive and likes to “one-up” every gift I give her. Help!
Dear Mommy Issues,
First off….settle the fuck down. If this is causing you to lose sleep you need to get a life. Sounds like you spend every waking moment showing Mommy how much you love her. So buy her a card at the Dollar Store and remind her of everything you do for her. Write it all out with a “your gift is everyday bitch” sentiment. Touching….Shedding a tear over here. If she has everything and doesn’t want anything why waste another valuable minute of your obviously depressing life worrying about it? Personally I’m over the “I don’t need anything crowd.” Tell me again bcs I don’t want to buy you anything anyway….saves time. When someone asks me what I want, I direct them to my Amazon Wish List. If you’re dying to buy something, I can send you the link. I love gifts. As for your whore of a sister….let that bitch carry on. It sounds like she leaves the every day giving to you since it goes largely unnoticed. Then swoops in like the Twat Waffle she is to claim the big prize. Next time she shows up with a gift, tell Mom to be careful….you saw that on a recall list for fire hazard or on the Facebook Marketplace for a dollar. And then bitch slap your sister. She needs it. But save the bitch slapping until after Mother’s Day or you may lose further points with Mommy Dearest. Send pics please…
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
My husband is a dick. He wants me home by a certain time, wants to know who I’m with and voices his displeasure with almost everything I do. I try so hard to please him but nothing changes. He wasn’t like this before we got married. It’s like the ring made me his property or something. I don’t believe in divorce but I don’t think I can live my life like this. Luckily we don’t have children. How do I change my situation?
Dear Happily NEVER after,
Your husband IS a dick. On that we can agree. In fact, if I met him on the street I would be inclined to tell him so. However, he WAS like this before you got married. You were so busy ho-ing it up in hopes of a proposal you missed the signs. Lesson learned….instead of spreading your legs and hoping for a ring, cross those bitches and pay attention. And I am so hung up on the last line of your cry for help I could punch you in the face right now….”How do I change my situation.” Ummm…as the story goes you do not have an issue. Dickface does. Let some man get all up in my grill asking where I’m going and when I’ll be home….he’ll find himself by himself…uuuuummmmkaaay. Husband or not. That’s the difference though…I was a virgin when I got married…or something. Perhaps more of a hyper aware slut but this isn’t about me and my lack of morals. Thank God you were smart enough not to procreate. I can’t imagine why you would fuck him in the first place much less make miniatures copies of him. Just what the world needs…more dick. So to change your situation you pack your F’n bags and find you some real dick. One that gives not takes. And a big one. You deserve it.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I’m really miserable at my job. I’m burnt out and over it. I just don’t think there are alot of options for me. I don’t have a college degree and I’ve basically worked my way up the ladder through hard work. I see all these people retiring, living off the land and I think “that will never be me.” I’ve saved money and all that but being single and feeling like I have no direction sucks. Are they any options for a guy like me?
Dear Magic Mike,
First of all…thank you for officially being the first man bold enough to ask a woman for help! I’d pat your penis if I could. I have the perfect solution for you….male stripper, prostitute…any combo of the 2. Neither require a degree and with all your ladder climbing I’m guessing you have built up some muscle over the years. I mean…straight cash in the pocket no taxes dude. You’ll be living off the grid before you know it! Just remember to keep your pecker in your pants and wrap it at playtime. As for the so called people you aspire to be…smoke and mirrors. Do you honestly find it appealing to park your conversion van in the fuckin Walmart parking lot every night so you can get up, hike and eat granola sans any work BS? You’ll more than likely get murdered before you pay the van off. Fact. Whilst it sounds appealing to live amongst the animals and forage your food, that shit gets old quick! Let’s fast forward to your new life….you are spankin it in the van to whoever you can find on Facebook, eating Ramen noodles bcs you are not in fact a nature person and YOU ARE ALL ALONE! No one wants a smelly woodsmen who lives in his van eating cardboard noodles jacking off to Facebook! I’d say it’s high time to get the “CV” ready and apply for the Walmart greeter position. They always seem happy. And they have bennies….you’re welcome.
XO
kellerB