Dear Help a Sister Out,
I work as a manicurist/pedicurist and I see a lot of women on a daily basis. Of course they love to gossip and tell me their stories. It’s one of the things I love most about my job. However, lately quite a few have asked me to come to their church. It makes things awkward. I try and keep religion and politics out of the workplace both with my co-workers and clients. I find it makes for strained conversation and quite frankly I find it a bit invasive. I’m hoping you can offer me some advice.
Dear Hammertime Helper,
How long has it been since your last confession? Perhaps the sin oozing from your pores has fostered the increased demand for your presence in the house of the Lort. Can’t be sure. Allow me to share my biblical beginnings. When I was a young brilliant child, Mother thought I ought to get confirmed in the Catholic Church. She also thought I went to Sunday school. Little did she know her demon seed often skipped Sunday School to play by the creek. When it came time to wear the little white dress and give myself to the Lort, I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was going to Hell no matter what she did. So when they passed out the “bread” and told us to put in under our tongue and pray, I chose an alternate course. Here’s the thing….I love bread. Carbs are my thing. “That” was not bread. That little disc of the devil taste like plaster. *pause for gagging*. So I did what any demon seed would do and slapped it under the pew. *random sign of the cross*. I’m sure it’s still there to this day. I get it…it’s the body of Christ. Well not really. I’m sure if Jesus had a say, he would choose sourdough or rye. That’s what all the new churches do. And given the current reputation of the Catholic Church, I dare say I was wise beyond my years. You must think me a Heathen. Here’s the thing…I don’t give a fuck. I just needed to tell someone. Get it off my chest. My confession if you will. So as for your predicament, I think you know what I’m going to say. Tell them to shut the fuck up! Seriously! It’s bad enough you have to file down their nasty yellow nails and dig toe cheese out of their Frito Feet! Now you have to be shamed into tithing half your tips and joining the choir?! I think not. Short of stabbing them with a nail file (which is what I would do), you have to nip that shit right out of the gate! Just tell them you’d love to come to church but you usually get drunk on Saturday night and the buzz lasts well into Sunday. Then inquire if the church serves juice or real wine as you could be enticed to stop in if it kept your buzz going. But no bread….total buzz kill. If that doesn’t work, revert back to stabbing them with your file. Amen.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I’m an avid runner. It’s getting hot out and I like to run in my shorts and sports bra as I get hot very easily. I feel like everyone is staring at me. Like they think I wear what I’m wearing to attract attention. And men are so gross. They hoot and holler and me. Sometimes they even make rude comments. This is 2023! Shouldn’t I be able to wear I want without having to deal with rude comments?
Dear Running Whore,
No. No you may not. While I’m on a biblical role, I will remind you the bible says “Judge not lest ye be judged.” In every translation imaginable that means….EVERYONE IS JUDGING YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! Listen I get it. It’s hot and you don’t want to overheat. Waaa Waaa! Perhaps you should have thought of that before you bought those DDDD fake titties. You had no intention of hiding those things. You couldn’t wait to strap them in and take them for a run. I dare say you started running AFTER you got them. I’m also fairly confident your “shorts” are sportin a moose knuckle AND a Walnut wedgie. And girl that aint sanitary. You’ll be growing sprouts by June if you keep it up. To be clear… sprouts are healthy….cooch sprouts not so much. You can’t be married. If I ran out of the front door in what I can only imagine you wearing, my husband would hook me in the back of the neck with a fishing lure and pull me back to the house. As he should! You can’t galivant around like the Boston Marathon whore and expect people not to look. Men are wired to look and women feel better when you look whorish. We are supreme flaw finders. I suggest you put on something respectable, go to church with the lady in the previous post and take up a less judgy sport like knitting. Mmmmmkaay
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I’m 49 and single. Never been married. Not for lack of want. I just have high standards. Men these days play too many games. And they are always looking for the young hot girl. I never wanted kids and that makes dating at 49 even harder. They all have them. I’ve tried all the dating sites. It’s just one game after another. Any advice?
Dear Mother Theresa,
What I hear you saying is that you are old, ugly and particular. I can’t imagine why you are single. Yes, men play games. And you should too. Get in the game…any game. No one dates the whore on the sideline with her high standards and morals. Get on one of those apps where you swipe and get busy. Your clock is ticking. Your eggs may be rotten but you still have plenty of room up there for fresh meat. All guys want hot young things. However, unless they are wealthy the hot young things have no interest in their tool shed beer bellies and saggy balls. Want in one hand wish in the other fellas. So I suggest you amend your “Man Wanted Ad” as follow: “Wanted: Poor man with saggy balls and beer belly to tap that ass.” Forget the children. You aren’t marrying these douchebags. You are in training. No dinner needed. Just bone me and get out. Men love that shit! They will tell you things like “I’ve never met a girl like you.” Correct. And you won’t again. You are building up your confidence. The ability to walk away if you will. Men want what they can’t have. Thus the 18 year old’s. And men in your age group aren’t getting laid on the regular. Or “BJ’s” for that matter. So practice up. The better you are at the latter, the more you can command. He won’t even think about his children if you master the art of pleasing him. I have one ask…when this all works out in your favor, can you give me a Google Review and send me a small donation. Funds are low. Merci
XO
kellerb