Dear Help a Sister Out,
I’m super stressed about Mother’s Day. I have 4 kids and a husband. They think I want to spend the day doing stuff with them. They are very sweet. They usually make me breakfast and want to go to the park or something. Here’s the issue…. the best Mother’s Day present I could receive is for them to get out of my hair for the day! But I can’t say that right? If they are around, I don’t get a break. I want to sit on the deck and day drink while dreaming I’m single. Since I can’t exactly say that what should I do?
Dear Mother of the Year,
It’s called Planned Parenthood and I dare say you are a little late to the party. What exactly did you think life would be like with “5” children? Clearly you bought into the “picket fence” plan without doing your research. Once you spit those demon seeds out of your vag you are done!…. FOREVER. They will never go away. Same goes for hubby dearest. I promise you he spends every minute of every day thinking of ways to pawn them off on you. He likes the “idea” of kids, but the everyday bullshit falls on your plate Sister. And I dare say you already know this. So, what to do? Tell that fucker to man up, take the kids somewhere far away…like don’t come back until it’s absolutely necessary far away…. Guam. Grab some rose’, fire up your “rabbit” and feel what life could have been like if only you’d bought into the “rubber dick” theory. I can tell you life is grand on that side of the fence. Happy Mother’s Day!
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
My girlfriend asked me to go to a party this weekend. I don’t want to go but I said yes. I don’t love the crowd that will be there. I’m more of a yoga pant t-shirt kinda gal and these chicks are all trendy and “woke.” I find them annoying, but I didn’t want to disappoint my girlfriend. I’m like a fish out of water. I feel like everyone will be staring at me. I can’t make small talk with people who say “like” every other word. Any suggestions?
Dear Just say No,
When you say “girlfriend” do you mean a friend who’s a girl or are you hooking up with this bitch? It’s an important question. If you are in a true relationship with her, it complicates things a bit. Let’s assume you are lovers bcs I’m still turned on from the rabbit in the previous post. Being in a room full of hens cackling “like” every other word is worse than scratching your vag with a steak knife. You can’t go. Since you are both women, I dare say emotions are involved. Le sigh. I’m not your emotional friend so just know my advice will most likely land you back on the market. Tell her you have the clap and need to stay home and seek immediate medical treatment. No questions will be asked…promise. Throw in some scratching and Google or Web MD for symptoms. She will be wondering how on earth….and you will have exactly no answers which means you are a cheat. Thus rendering you single so you can find a new hot chick with better friends. Damn I’m good. If she’s just a friend…. easy Peezy. Bye girl Bye. I’m sure she has other friends she can drag into her madness. Go hang out with “Mother of the Year” on her deck. She has wine and a rubber dick…sounds like you could use both. You’re welcome.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I have a friend that recently stopped drinking. Not bcs she had to…she’s all into this new sober movement. Good for her…I think it’s great if that’s what she wants. But I feel like she’s doing it to be part of the trend. She never wants to do anything fun anymore. It’s all mocktails and book club. We’ve been friends for years but I find myself not wanting to hang around her. Does that make me a bad person? It’s not that I have to drink. I just enjoy a cocktail and conversation. How do I work around her new life and still remain friends?
Dear Sue Ellen (random Dallas reference. Google it),
Here’s the cold hard truth…she’s fuckin boring and you hate her. Alcohol was the only thing making her tolerable. Sit on that a spell. I wonder how many cocktails it took to listen to her bullshit dram at Happy Hour. Do write back and tell me. We all have those friends. The only thing separating them is how many shots it takes to make them fun. Sober “her” is dead to you. You have zero use for her mocktail and novel loving self. Next thing she’ll be telling you how the penis is dominating the workplace and women’s role in society. I don’t even know what that means but I’m into domination so I’m sure she will hate me too. I have good news…there are fun sober people out there! You’ll just never meet them in your drunky drunk circle. And that’s ok. Some people are better tolerated with a bit of the nip. Send her the following text (bcs breaking up via text is a thing):
Dear Dead to Me…Hanging out with you sans alcohol is like having my period 365 days of the year…with heavy clotting flow….2 pads and a tampon. I can’t tolerate that on a good day. And I can no longer tolerate you. Either you get back on the sauce or go suck rosemary sprigs with your new friends. Sincerely, Sue Ellen.
And then head down to the local watering hole and toast to cleaning out the proverbial friend closest. Cheers!
XO
kellerB