Dear Help a Sister Out,
I know this is TMI x 20 but I don’t know who to ask. My husband and I are still pretty active and like to have sexy time a few times a week. I’ve started to pull away bcs I’m super self-conscience about my “girl.” She isn’t aging well. She’s starting to look like turkey neck. Every time I slip a mirror down there I want to gag. What options do I have? I mean it’s not like I can lift coochie weights or something. I don’t want my husband to get turned off and cheat on me. Do you know of any solutions?
Dear Thanksgiving Crotch,
Why just why? I mean a real Dear Abby gets to solve things like “How do I meal prep?” or “How to get my kids to sleep through the night?” Explain to me why my readers feel I have the ability to fix a vag that looks like Tom the Turkey?” Am I a Dr.? No. Do I promote any sort of coochie workout program? No I do not. Yet, here you are. Good times. I’m going to work backwards on this one bcs something tells me you like it doggy style. You don’t want your husband to get turned off and cheat on you. Sounds like a lovely marriage. When he’s not banging you and you’re not getting all “Henry Lee” (renowned forensic investigator- my hero…for those that don’t watch any sort of crime TV) on your vag, you think he might be wandering down the street looking for a puss less likely to produce gizzards or stuffing? Maybe he is. If I was married to you, I surely would. Not sure what your mama taught you about men but they do this thing called beating off…a lot. So trust me, he isn’t losing half of everything he has to run out on your holiday puss. Now let’s get to the lies….still having sex a few times a week. I may have fallen over laughing at that one. No one has sex a few times a week. We are all far too tired for that. I applaud your effort to believe that’s actually happening. Perhaps if you spend more time actually having sex and stop looking at your “girl” you may reach the sum total of the lies you tell. Mmmmmmkaaay. Now…explain to me why in the actual fuck you spend any amount of time staring at your under sexed porn puss! A quick peek when you have an itch…ok. Dissecting that thing and ruining my favorite holiday, not ok. If your husband has the occasion to get close enough to determine he doesn’t like how it looks, perhaps you should slide the mirror over to his saggy balls for a peek. I mean…do you want to Botox that thing? That oughta work. You’ll have Real Housewives sized turkey lips. Yum. Perhaps then your husband will cheat on you and I shant blame him. Please stop looking at your “girl” She wasn’t meant to be pretty. If she’s functioning be thankful. Isn’t that what Thanksgiving is all about? As for me, I’ll be having ham for Thanksgiving. And if any of you write in about one of your body parts looking like ham….
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I find my self exhausted by everyone and everything. No one communicates anymore. They can’t pick up a phone and call for any reason. It’s always text or Zoom or Facetime. I don’t always want to be seen! I just want normal communication. It’s like we’ve lost our ability to talk to each other. It’s been causing me a lot of anxiety. I would love to get a letter in the mail but no one writes them anymore. Just emails. It really has me down in the dumps. I just wonder what this world will like for my children if it’s already this bad. Any advice?
Dear 1969,
I pray your children are not friends with whatever shit show asked the question above. No telling what she’d do on Facetime. Sorry there wasn’t a clear Segway from turkey puss back to 1969. I’m still recovering. I feel you on this. I miss the days when we didn’t speak in acronyms. I need the Millennials version of Rosetta Stone just to get by, lol. You need to embrace change sister. Do the things you like and tell everyone else to fuck off. Problem solved. You wanna write a letter? Have at it! No one can read it anyway! These fuckers can’t tell time or read. THAT should frighten you more than wasting however many million dollars it costs to buy a stamp these days. You know that old saying “You do you and I’ll do me?” Do that. When you are riding down 95 on your horse and buggy to sell homemade bread at church, just know you will end up on FB Live. That’s what peeps these days do. You could be lying dead in the street and they would sooner film you than call 911. Mostly bcs if they can’t yell “Siri call 911” it aint happenin. We are in a state aren’t we?! And don’t worry…. kids today NEVER LEAVE! They build ADU’s in Mom/Dad’s backyard funded by Mom/Dad! Better start writing them eviction letters post haste. Listen, you need to pony up and at least try and be hip. You can still listen to Def Leppard AND send emails. Just promise me you’ll kick the kids out. That has to happen. If you don’t do it soon they will live in you like chickenpox. That’s some forever shit right there…
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I really like this guy I work with. He asked me out and I like reaaaaalllly want to do it. The problem is he’s a slob. Like messy dirty. Like I just can’t. I’m sort of an OCD neat freak and it just grosses me out when people are messy. It’s one thing to be like unorganized but like dirty messy is something I can’t do. But he’s super hot and successful so I like don’t know what to do. Help!
Dear Mrs. Clean,
I’m going to tell you exactly what to do….shut the fuck up! If he has to hear you say “like” every other word he may just bury you under one of his piles of shit! And I wouldn’t blame him! Manslaughter at best. You should know “like” is a HUGE peeve….in case you haven’t noticed. It’s a preposition…often over used and in your case beaten into submission. So stop. No one is “sort of an OCD neat freak.” The term OCD literally means you are an over the edge kinda of freak. Nowhere in the Kings English is “obsessive” referred to as a mild form of anything. Which leads me to believe you are stalkerish. And in denial. Perhaps he hasn’t asked you out at all. Channeling Henry Lee again. I’m going to pretend you are normal and assume the tale you tell is true. In case you aren’t aware, “ask you out” means something different these days. Loosely translated it means a burger and a bang. So your investment in his tidiness will be short lived. If he’s dirty and hot that means he’s good in bed. Everyone knows this. Men who don’t have time to clean spend time mastering other things. You say he’s successful so my theory seems plausible. If he’s a bit “ripe” bang him in the shower and wash away the other girls I’m confident he’s doing. There’s no such thing as workplace romance. It’s lust…always. I’d be more concerned with what he will say to your co-workers when you ask him to “hit it” head on so that his body aligns properly with the ceiling fan. This is more of a concern. I think you need to get your “sort of OCD” self in check before you venture into the “dating” world sister. Dirty men are hot…
XO
kellerB