Dear Help a Sister Out,
I’m sure you are getting thousands of these questions right now. I feel so much pressure around this time of the year. Eat better, work out more, stopping drinking….it’s literally sucking every bit of pleasure from my life. How do you find balance? I feel like I’m being judged by my sober and fit friends for not playing along. Life is hard enough without the “New Year New Me” pressure. Any advice?
Dear My Little Pony,
Buck up! And then get new friends. It’s always the answer. Your friends suck. They are probably sipping protein shakes out of their pink Stanley’s whilst judging your every move. Join the gym and knock back a 1/5 on the treadmill. That oughta give them something to suck on. Look….you do you and let them be the assholes they are. Sounds like they are pretty good at it. I’ve been drinking and eating for 51 years and something called “January 1st” aint stoppin’ this train. So you’re a little chubbier than most and you smell like a good Pinot. Tell them you’re European. It’s a cultural thing. Better yet you identify as Fuckin’ Fabulous so back up bitches. Mmmmmkaaay. Buck up Lil’ Pony Buck up!
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I’m so depressed. There’s so much hype around the holidays. So much going on, parties and things to do. I love all the decorations and the coziness of the season. And then it’s just gone. The Christmas trees are thrown to the curb and life returns to the cold depressing winter months. I’ve tried one of those blue lights in the past to help me get through but it doesn’t seem to work. Why do we have to have such highs and lows? It’s like we go from summer to the most wonderful time of the year and then crash land into January. What can I do to get through?
Dear Most Depressing Person Ever,
Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever run through the calendar in such darkness. Thank you for that. Hold please whilst I down a Xanax. Now…go grab a mirror. Look into it. See the person staring back? That’s you. Frightening, I know. You are responsible for your happiness not some made up Hallmark version of life. Yes, I know you subscribe to the Hallmark Channel. I’m a bit of a clairvoyant like that. Wake up! Life is great every day bcs you make it that way. Find something you like about the winter months and go with it. Maybe you need to get out more and stop watching so much fucking TV. Give My Lil’ Pony a call. She needs a new friend. She’ll fatten you up and you can watch Hallmark re-runs over some cocktails. Sounds like you need a stiff one….and a cocktail. Uguhm. Please do not tell anyone but me you bought a blue light. I’m going to pretend for a minute you didn’t even tell me that. And stay off the Facebook ads. The only light that will cure you is the one at the end of the tunnel. So get your head out of your ass and move in the direction of the light….preferably the white one.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
So this is going to sound strange….and I don’t want you think I’m a freak. My husband is obsessed with sex. As in he wants it every day all day all the time. Like even when I’m sleeping. He’s alway grabbing at me and making me feel bad if I don’t give in. It’s taken all the pleasure and joy from it. I don’t sleep at night bcs I don’t want him having his way with me while I’m trying to sleep. Please be gentle….what’s a girl to do?
Dear Sleepless in Semen,
Hey freak. You can’t tell me not to think you are a freak and to go gentle…and in the next sentence tell me your husband is boning you in REM 4. I don’t possess that kind of self control! Sorry not sorry. Fuck. I’m not sure I’m qualified to fix the 7 layers of fuckedupidness that is going on here. But I like a challenge so I’ll take a stab at it. Get a divorce comes to mind. Call Dr. Phil comes to mind. Sew your vagina shut comes to mind. What in the actual hell is going on here?! Listen if I had a dick I would probably want to poke it all over town my damn self. But your husband must have porn star libido to be workin’ that thang 24/7! Damn Gina! I would think he’d have a case of road rash as much as he’s driving that thing. Just sayin’. You need to stop this shit ASAP. He needs help. Ain’t nobody need that much lovin’. Nobody. Let some man come at me when I’m in REM 4 dreamin of Brad Pitt…well that might actually work for me as long as I didn’t wake up and realize it wasn’t Brad Pitt. Bad example. Let some man come at me when I’m trying to sleep slingin’ his junk like Ron Jeremy. Ron gonna find a different hobby real quick when I knit his nuts in a knot and send him back to his side of the bed. Listen…I like “it” just as much as the next ho but he’s got to stable that pony. That thing is gonna fall off. Slip something in his drink. Something to calm him and put that thang to rest. I hear antifreeze is all the rage. JK. Benadryl will buy you a few hours of sleep. Girl this may be above my pay grade….for reals.
XO
kellerB