Dear Help a Sister Out,
Ugh! It’s fall. I love the change of the seasons… the leaves, the cooler weather…all of it. Quite frankly I need a break from swimsuit weather. My issue is…the darkness and the overeating. I wake up it’s dark. I get off work…it’s dark. In between are all the holidays and the eating. It’s every freakin year…same thing. How do you get through the fall slump. I know you are a big fan of the eating holidays, “New Me Monday” and all that but I would love to find a way to level out year round. What say you?
Dear Falling “Fatward”,
I want to level you. That is all. Thank you for robbing me of every ounce of joy I derive from my favorite eating/sleeping season. I really need to vet these submissions out of respect for my mental health. You want to know why I say “fuck” all the time? I give you “Fatward” and her crew of Debbie Downers. Since this is my favorite time of year I will go a round or two with you. FIRST OF ALL…it’s called “Fall Back” bcs fall/winter is a time of rest and reflection. The fact that you have zero self-control cannot be blamed on the seasons. Put down the pumpkin roll and bake your fat ass in some blue light. To suggest a one hour shift is responsible for your sloth like behavior is an insult to everything I hold dear. How about… you have an inner fatty secretly awaiting the turning of the leaves to cue the caloric calamity that is your life! How about that? Mmmmmkkkay. Don’t hate. We all have an inner fatty. However comma, mine appreciates a few months of socially acceptable over eating and hibernation. You should know there are consequences to waking “New Year New Me” before her time. 3 words: Angry. Fat. Bitch. Whilst your friends are eating anything that will fit in a phyllo cup and making Merry, you’ll be sipping on a Skinny Girl Margarita and crunchy on celery sticks. Falafreakin la. Santa will surely bring you coal for being such a vain bitch. So yeh I’d stick to Rose’ all day and eating everything from the left over. Your friends will thank me.
Bye Bitch bye,
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
So this is going to sound stupid and you are going to eat me alive but….it’s hunting season and it’s causing a lot of issues in my marriage. My husband and his friends have a hunting cabin where they go for long weekends to hunt and drink beer. The issue is I hate him killing things. Those poor deer. I cringe every time he leaves to go to the cabin. I’m a big animal lover and a Vegan. This stuff is not ok with me. My husband knows how I feel but he says it helps control the deer population. I think that should be left to God. What do you think?
Deer Bambi,
I think God thinks you are an idiot. No really he does. Pray on it. I can almost guarantee that’s what he will say. First of all I’m not going to eat you alive. I prefer to roast you first. So yeh again with the no vetting. I need to hire someone. Where to start? Perhaps if you ate some meat your brain could fully process that your husband doesn’t love hunting….HE LOVES BEING AWAY FROM YOU! And if he has to kill something to get some relief I dare say it’s a small price to pay! He’s getting schwasted and bringing home a deer to his wife who doesn’t eat meat! Let’s process that shall we? He absolutely hates you! Seriously! If he said, Honey, I don’t eat pork for religious reasons” and you cooked ham every night would he not have reason to believe you were killing him slowly? Here’s my advice….plain and simple: Stay away from the hunting cabin. Scratch that. Get you one of those deer antler headband things from the Dollar Tree, put it on and wander around the woods the next time he and the fellas are there. They will surely put you out of your misery. You’re welcome.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
My husband says I spend too much money. I don’t think I do but whatever. It’s Christmas shopping season and I feel like he’s watching everything I buy. It’s a special time of year….I like to buy everyone presents! Is that so wrong? Tis the season right? I can always pay off the credit cards later. YOLO! I just love the feeling of giving. I don’t want anything but I do want to spend money on those I love. Is that so wrong?
Dear “YOLO” (You Obviously Love Overspending)
Yes. Yes it is. Have you ever been to church? I’m going with a hard no one that one. See there was this super cool guy named Jesus that is the reason for the season. I dare say his tribe wasn’t running around spreading his birth announcement so he could get some cool presents they could pay off later. I mean we all believe what we believe but I haven’t read that version. What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop what you are doing and read your submission. Now go look in the mirror and slap yourself a few times. Ok now once more. Freak! I get it. You go to church on Easter and Christmas. So you like birthday’s and a good unsolved mystery. However, this hobby of yours shouldn’t come at 22% interest in the name of praise/worship for spending money you don’t have! Never fear. As always, I have an easy solution. Head up the hunting cabin with Bambi. I’ll let your husband know where you are. One favor…when you meet Jesus can you let him know of the good I’m doing down here? Merci.
XO
kellerB