Dear Help a Sister Out,
I am preggers. Getting ready to have a baby. Actually twins. A boy and a girl. I think I am ready but who is really every ready right? My biggest issue right now….names. I feel like all the good ones are taken. I want something unique. But on the other hand I don’t want my kids to grow up using their middle names bcs they hate their first names. Any advice?
Dear Unplanned Parenthood,
Thank you for clarifying that preggers equates to having a baby or two. Having no children of my own I might not have made the connection. Ughum. Twins. Wow. That’s aggressive. Does your husband have some sort of super sperm or did you cook these 2 up in lab? Naming your children would seem to be a personal thing. The fact that you’re asking me leads me to believe these liabilities were definitely cooked up. Nonetheless I’m happy to ruin your children for life with my thoughts on the matter. Definitely give them a “normal” middle names like Jesus and Mary. This will ensure they come home for Christmas if nothing else. I think the first name is your opportunity to be an asshole and you should seize it. After a few years they will hate you anyway. Why not start out strong and avoid the let down? The worse the better. Like “Pham” pronounced “Pam.” The “h” is silent. It’s French. And then the boy’s name is a no brainer….”Thom.” They are French twins conceived on a mission trip to Paris. Pham Mary and Thom Jesus. Problem solved. I threw in the back story for free. You’re welcome.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I was recently told I can no longer eat meat due to an allergy. I am FREAKING out! I love meat. I am not going to make it on veggies and rice. This is a HUGE life change for me. It’s like…I’m not ready to make this change but I sort of don’t have a choice. If I keep eating meat I could develop serious side effects and possibly die. What can I do to make this transition?!
Dear Alpha Gal,
Ok time to fess up. I know this to be a tick borne disease. Which can only mean you must have been on your back in the woods doing things no respectable gal should be doing and thus death is knocking on your door. Lets dispense with the dram bcs I am not in the mood. Is this really that serious? I mean death by meat? Who’s ever heard of that?! Tell me you can’t drink wine and I’m planning your funeral. What kind of quack Dr. told you this? I recommend a second opinion. Come on over to my crib and we’ll have some steak and see what happens. Don’t worry. I have Narcon should you have an episode. I’m already more qualified than your Dr. And no questions about the Narcon. I’m holding it for a friend. This world has gone mad. We can’t eat meat, gluten, dairy, donuts. What will they take away next?! If this is really true and you “can’t” eat meat you’ll just have to live on bread and wine. No pity party here sister. And not to get all “Dr. Phyllis” on you but….it would seem “eating meat” got you into this pickle. There is good news however. You can still eat that meat. No tick is getting you out of that. Nothing short of lockjaw is saving you there. So open some wine, break some bread and swallow.. There’s always hope.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
My husband and I are getting ready to move away from the place we love. We’ve lived here most of our lives but his job is taking us to a Minnesota. Who wants to live in Minnesota? Not me! It’s cold and far away from everything we love! What can I do? It’s an opportunity of a lifetime for him. I don’t work so I don’t really have much say in the matter. I can’t ask him to pass up this opportunity. Can I?
Dear Back to the Future,
Yes. Yes you can. What do you mean you don’t have a say? Girl! This isn’t 1960! I have this vision of you packing his lunch everyday, sending him off to work while you vacuum in heels and pop a couple of “Phen-Phen” to perk you up. The only part of that I’m ok with is the Phen-Phen. A little shaking is a small price to pay for killing the appetite/mood lift. I digress. I don’t give a flying fuck if you work or not. Moving to Minnesota is a “pins in the vagina “kinda pain. Just no! Nor does it matter to me what sort of promotion he’s getting. You are going to be freezing your ass off making Phen-Phen snow angles for a better part of the year. No good will come of this. You’ll be bitter, resentful and skinny….skinny part good. That will help with the new husband you’ll be seeking as a means to get you out of the Arctic Hell this one put you in! They don’t even have summer in Minnesota. And you’ll start talking funny like that chick on Fargo. There’s no coming back from this! Have I painted a clear enough picture or shall I go on? This move will lead to the destruction of your marriage and your life as you know it. Speak up now! If he insists on the move offer conjugal visits once a quarter. He must to come to you. In between, get you a little side piece and stay up on the latest techniques. Should you meet resistance, there’s always divorce. But whatever you do, no Minnesota. Just no girl.
XO
kellerB