Dear Help a Sister Out,
I just finished a 2 week detox. We had to drink these awful shakes twice a day and eat a clean meal. In addition there was no drinking, no dairy, no bread….none of the things I love. As hard as it was I feel really good. Lots of energy, no bloating and no cravings. But I do miss my wine and treats. I’m scared. Do you think I should turn the corner to a healthier lifestyle or give myself some grace to eat/drink what I want for a while? I feel like I’m 2 different people….the one I am and the one I want to be. You are sort of my idol so I wanted to see what you think.
Dear Dis-Grace,
If I am your idol you are beyond help. I am easily 9+ people on a good day. Consider yourself lucky there’s only 2 of you. Sounds to me like you are forcing yourself to be something you are not. Listen, purging the crap out of your body for a couple weeks is always a good plan. However comma, if you prefer cookies to quinoa this shit show will eventually implode. Why do I feel like I addressed this last week? Oh that’s right….because I did! Thank you for not paying attention. Mmmmkaaaay. There’s a word called moderation that doesn’t seem to be catching on. Back your fat ass up and decide what’s important to you. If you want to be healthy and happy step away from the Ho’s Ho’s. Personally I don’t have the strength for such nonsense. I want my wine and drink it too. So. Basically I have zero advice for you. If I’m being honest you are annoying. It doesn’t take a mental giant to figure this out. Do what everyone else is doing…join Weight Watchers, eat all your points in one sitting and buy some Spanx to cover it all up. If you want to go really crazy get a gym membership and walk on the treadmill whilst trolling Facebook. Fake working out is all the rage right now. So over you. Bye girl bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I want to learn a new language. I love to travel and I think it would be fun to speak the native language wherever I land. There are so many language learning softwares out there. Can you recommend one? I’m in my 50’s so I hope I have the ability to learn new things at my age. I’m hoping it will also keep my brain sharp. Last question…which language do you think I should start with. My plan is to learn the language and then travel to the countries where it’s spoken. Am I crazy?
Dear Rosetta Stoned,
Have you learned nothing from reading my column? If you ask me questions like “Am I crazy” you are most certainly getting an answer. SO lets start there. So much material. Yes, you are fucking crazy. So happy you wrote in. I was thinking I wouldn’t have an opportunity to drop the “F-Bomb” this week. It’s cathartic. Where was I? Oh yes, YOU ARE 8 SHADES OF CRAZY! Maybe even 9! More to come on that. Who wants to learn a language to then decide where to travel? Dare I even ask what your thought process is? “Gee I love burritos. I think I’ll learn Spanish and travel to Mexico.” Perhaps you have a more refined pallet? “I absolutely love croissants. I should learn French and travel to Paris.” Perhaps you didn’t get the memo….Taco Bell and Au Bon Pain are right around the corner girl. I feel like you might be the crazy cat lady but I’m not getting sucked down that rabbit hole. As to how to learn a new language….there’s this thing called “Google” I’m quite sure you’ll find it amusing. You can ask it questions and forget you know me. Merci. As to if you are too old to learn? I fear this is not the biggest hurdle you have to overcome. We need to address your thought process or lack thereof. Ughum. Here’s what I can tell you….I want to be a fly on the wall of the Boulangerie that has the pleasure of hearing you parle Francais. I am prepared to pay good money for this. I give it one.. maybe 2 words before they start speaking English and lick your croissant. Yum. I think you are better served trying your new language out on the clerk at Au Bon Pain. Let this serve as a warning to all the employees at Au Bon Pain….INCOMING! a’ bientot!
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I just found out my company is going to have massive layoffs. I AM FREAKING OUT! I actually love where I work and am not ready to leave. I mean I can totally find another job but it’s rare to like where you work. I guess I don’t have a choice. I’m not a spring chicken and I don’t like all the change. They haven’t done it yet but I know it’s coming. Should I hold out or start looking sooner rather than later? I trust your sage advice.
Dear What to Expect when you’re Expecting,
You are so the girlfriend that’s getting dumped but holding out for him to do it. I mean if it’s that good I can see why one more ride on the pony feels like the right thing to do. But it’s not. There are other ponies out there. Bigger ones. Ones you can ride all day. I fear I’m getting sidetracked via a very bad analogy. Get your head out of your ass….immediately if not sooner. You are getting canned. Have some self-respect. Start making demands and calling your attorney on speaker phone. They should fear all that is you. I do. Get you a nice package…severance that is. Take some time off. Maybe go on unemployment like the rest of the world. Working appears to be overrated these days. Buy a camper and see the country. If that doesn’t frighten you, you might could (that’s Southern talk right there) think about another job. Before you get all crazy and do that….let’s work on this severance package. These days companies fear the employee. Tell them you identify as someone who works there and letting you go is a violation of your rights. Cha-ching. Think back to those company trips you took….anyone saying or doing things that equate to cash? Think hard….we can throw in an extended benefits package for the right offense. So like I was saying it’s all about self-respect. Trusting my sage advice isn’t always the most popular option but it’s always the most profitable. You’re welcome.
XO
kellerB