Dear Help a Sister Out,
I am a “hang your shit out there” kinda gal. When a problem arises or I don’t agree with something I speak up. More and more I find myself being silenced. It’s like the world we live in would rather brush things under the rug so it looks pretty for all to see rather than deal with it. That doesn’t sit well with me. I’ve dealt with a lot of hard shit in my life. Not only do I feel like I can’t talk about it, I’m made to feel like I need to focus on the positive and move on. Why are people like this? Why can’t we talk about the our true feelings/experiences without being shut down? Sorry to get all deep but I feel like you might have some wisdom for me…
Dear Deep Throat,
Thanks for the buzz kill. Le sigh…every once in a while I allow some serious shit to go down here. Charity n all. But don’t get used to it. First of all….who is silencing you? You say the world but I’m thinking it’s your immediate circle. If it was the “world,” I’m guessing you would have no trouble speaking your truth. It’s much easier to stand on uncommon ground. I challenge you to be who you are. As long as you aren’t one of those crazy freaks who feels the need to throw her opinion into every ring, then hold your ground. It’s important to pick the right time and choose the right words when speaking up/out. If you are all radical and bat shit crazy…aint nobody gonna listen to you girl. If it’s opinion related, know your facts before you speak and understand your opinion isn’t the only one….mmmmkkkkay. You don’t have to agree with everyone but you do have to respect their right to believe what they believe….even if they are an asshat. If someone is asking you to put “lipstick on a pig” to make a situation look better than it is ….I aint down with that at tal’. However, you have to pick your battles. If it’s something you feel passionate about, get in the ring. If it’s not important to your sanity let it go. If all else fails, take up boxing. That’s what I do. Hitting someone for sport solves all the worlds problems. Bye Deep Throat Bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I want to talk perfectionism. I am a people pleaser so I often say and do what they want me to do to avoid conflict. The crazy thing is…that’s not me at all! I mean I like to make people happy but lately I feel like I’m doing so at my own expense. In other words I am doing things like….agreeing to do things I don’t want to do, agreeing with an opinion just to keep the peace and etc. So not me yet I find myself doing it all the time these day! I’m not quite sure when I stopped being me and turned into Ms. Perfect in training but I need to know how to get rid of her. Any suggestions?
Dear Deep Throat #2,
3 words….Kill that bitch. Why am I allowing another deep submission? I can’t be sure. Moving right along…Seriously…you have to get a grip girl. There’s no such thing as “perfect.” However, you can spend your life trying to be perfect. That should be fun. WTF?! Pleasing people does nothing but bring misery to the pleaser. Read that again. The bigger question is….why do you feel the need to do it? My guess is no one is asking you to be an agreeable Bitch. I’m thinking you made that up. If you don’t like McDonalds go to Taco Bell. Eating fries when you want a Chalupa will not only make you sad…you may actually gain weight. In case you didn’t know Taco Bell has less calories…I might have made that up out of love. Seriously, enough with the passive aggressive bullshit! If my friends always did what I wanted them to do…well we would have more fun but that’s beside the point. My point is nobody wants you to be perfect except you. The problems start when you push back… so pull up them big girl panties and ride that pony girl. You will get more respect from being you than you will from some version of you that isn’t sustainable. If all else fails, go to Taco Bell. It makes everything better. Bye girl bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I know you don’t normally talk about stuff like this but I really need your help…I am a survivor of domestic abuse and sexual assault. It happened when I was young…before the age of 20. I don’t talk about it to anyone except my therapist. Hell I didn’t even know it wasn’t my fault until I talked to him. Now that I’m understanding things better I feel like I want to share my story. It sort of helps me when I talk about it….in a weird way I guess. The problem is it’s a hard thing to talk about and when I bring it up I notice people pulling back. Like it’s something they know about but don’t want to talk about. I get it…it sucks. But imagine you are me carrying the weight. I mean I’ve gone my whole life without talking about it so it’s not like I can’t press on but I sometimes feel like it’s something I want them to know. They wouldn’t expect it could happen to someone like me. But it did. Maybe I think it will help them understand me. I don’t know. What do you think?
Dear Deepest of the Deep,
Speechless. That’s a first and hopefully a last. Girl…Sending you a big hug wrapped in bacon. Bacon makes even the worst things better. Promise. I’m not going to tell you I’m sorry this happened to you. You don’t need to hear that shit. “We” didn’t do this to you….”He” did and he’s the fuckiest fucker of them all! So we will save the “sorry” for his sorry ass! This is not the kind of weight you should be carrying. And it sounds like you’ve carried it long enough. Kudos to you for seeking help. That makes you strong girl! You knew you didn’t own this and took steps to give it back to it’s rightful owner. That’s a power move and one that makes me super proud of you! Therapy can be trickery sometimes. You feel so empowered after getting it out that you want to share your new found freedom with those around you. The problem is….they don’t always want to hear it. Especially if they view you as strong
or someone “this shouldn’t happen to.” Such BS. But don’t be too hard on them. They can only relate from their experiences and are lucky enough not to have this as one of them. If they let your pain into their world, it makes them vulnerable…like maybe it could happen to them. That’s not a comfortable feeling. And in all honesty it can be applied to any difficult situation. When I went through cancer, there were some people that pulled away and some that came running. It’s normal. Scary stuff is hard. See this as an awakening. Think carefully before you share. I know it feels good to get it out but that feeling will quickly subside if the person you share it with shuts you down. There’s no way to know who among you can handle it so step softly. Maybe ease into these conversations and allow some grace. I would ask your therapist for the best approach. The good news is…it’s in the rearview mirror and you are no longer going in that direction. One foot forward every day….keep kicking ass!
XO
kellerB