Dear Help a Sister Out,
I thought you were never coming back! I’ve been dealing with so much and I’ve had to rely on my friends to guide me. It’s just not the same. Let me get to the point…I’m 65 and my face needed some touching up. I got some micro needling done (which hurt like shit). I decided to see it through for the entire 5 months. It’s been rough! Not only did it hurt, it jacked my face up until it healed. I literally had to hide in the house for a week before I could even think about going to the grocery store. My husband looked at me like I was some sort of freak of nature every time I had a treatment. I have barely seen any of my friends (except one) bcs of the way I look. The good news is I’ve finished treatment and instead of a 4 lane highway on my face I’m down to one lane! Even my drooping eye is better! No sun damage anymore! So what’s the issue? After all the time and money spent to rehab my face….none of my friends even noticed! What a bunch of bitches! How should I address this with them? I’m kind of bitter…
Dear Bitter Party of 1,
I’m glad the resurfacing of the “highway formally known as your face” has brought you so much joy. Ughum. It appears you now have no money, one friend and a husband who could care less how many lanes lead to your honey hole. I get it. No one wants to look in the mirror and see someone who doesn’t look like they feel. I’ve been trying to “feel” my way into a size (2) for 53 years. Did I resurface my ass? No I did not. List’en…you should know by now that a friend is only a friend as long as you are fatter or uglier than they are. Truth sister. Once you start getting all “2.0” they feel threatened. Personally I live in a constant state of “Under Construction” so I pose a threat to exactly no one and enjoy thriving friendships with the bitches that tolerate me. So what to do? Get new friends…I suggest fat ones as they are very tolerant of this sort of nonsense. If it were me…I’d tell every last one of them you just had your vagina rejuvenated and offer to show them how you can pick up the TV remote with your labia. That should quiet the cattle….mmmmmkaay
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
This is going to sound really strange but….here goes. I got a new dog. It’s taken me a while after the death of my previous two dogs so it’s a really big deal. I’m also a self-confessed Sister in Fat like you. I know that doesn’t sound applicable to my story but follow me here….So I get this dog and he is just the cutest thing! In my mind I’m like….”we will go on walks, I’ll get all sorts of exercise and I’ll be happy again.” He’s the cutest freakin thing! I’m even thinking he could be a man magnet! Here’s the problem. He looks like fried chicken. Yes, you read that correctly. He’s “that” color, fluffy and reminds me of a piece of fried chicken. Every time I look at him I crave fried chicken! What the actual fuck?! I know this sounds waaaaay out there but seriously this dog is making me hungry. I’m keeping the dog but the cravings to stop. Any ideas?
Dear Yardbird,
Oh my. That is all. So I didn’t hear you say anything about actually eating the dog so I’m not going to call for an intervention. I would suggest keeping hot sauce and coleslaw out of the house until we can work through this. What in the redneck deep south hell is going on at your house?! We need to exorcise the Sister in Fat out of you immediately if not sooner! This is a 911 fat girl emergency okkkkkay! If there was such a hotline, the swat team would surely be on your doorstep! Ok…I need you to back away from the dog and take a deep breath. You are just hungry. When is the last time you had a 3 piece combo with a Diet Coke? I’m guessing it’s been a while. I need to you head on down to KFC and get you a #2 combo to go (super size). When you get home, let the dog watch while you suck the skin off’a that combo. I want you to look the dog in the eyes whilst eating. Begin to see the dog for what it is…..A FUCKING DOG! Now, wipe the grease off your lips and take that fucking dog for a walk! What have we learned from this? Keeping ones self from the things they love creates carnal canine cravings. It’s one of the most serious cases a SIF can experience. I would like to tell you this submission is fictional. It is not. Somewhere in a home next to you, your neighbor is deciding if they like their dog original or extra crispy. Stay vigilant my sisters.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
Why is it that women over 50 always want to talk about their vag? It’s all I hear about! Turn on the TV…blah blah dried up cooch. Book club….my pelvic floor is falling… I can’t sneeze without peeing. This is literally all I hear about at every turn. I’m not saying those things don’t happen and we certainly need solutions but I don’t think my Vag should take center stage at every event. Is this just me or do you see this too?
Dear Clit Taurus,
Preach! Every day is “Taco” Tuesday after 50! Raging hormones, sagging camel toes and the word I could live the rest of my life without ever hearing again… “moist!” Have we nothing else to talk about? I told my wax lady I wanted to strip the undercarriage clean and she informed me that “thang” aint 17 girl. Pussy shaming on top of everything else?! What is this world coming to? I can’t even enjoy a nice glass of Rose’ with the girls without one of them bringing up the drought in her love canal! Do I really need to picture your turkey neck vag while I’m getting in my French wine quota for the week? No I do not. I’m going to start carrying KY coupons in my purse. Problem solved. I feel you on this Clit Taurus. It’s like as soon as we hit 50 it’s socially acceptable to start pussy protesting. Who’s fixing this issue? I got news for you….YOU are! Get chu a mirror, check out what’s going on with the undercarriage and schedule an appointment for a servicing. Done. No one wants to hear about your lady bits. Unless they can do something useful like opening a bottle of wine. Mkkkkayy
XO
kellerB