Help a Sister Out 4/16/23

Dear Help a Sister Out,

I have a sister-in-law who’s 86 and lives alone. She has very few friends. She is doing amazing for her age and I love her dearly. One problem….she never shuts up! I invited her for Easter Dinner which started at 2pm. She came in the door talking and didn’t shut up until she left….and she talks with food in her mouth! With each visit I vow to never invite her again. The talking, the chewing….it’s all too much! I feel awful for not wanting to invite her back. Is there another way to handle her? Gagging her perhaps?

Dear Theodoress Bundy,

Step away from the rope. It’s fuckin Easter. What would Jesus Do? I dare say not strangulation over the Holiday Ham. Perhaps some pills for the Misophona are in order? Here’s the deal…family is family. You don’t get to choose. She gets an automatic invite to dinner bcs your husband linked her to you when you said “I do.” Perhaps you should have scoured the family tree a bit more before jumping on the marital band wagon. Let me guess….you were pregnant. I knew it! All you ho’s from the 60’s try and cover that shit up. So who’s really to blame here? You need to settle the “F” down. This 86 year bitch is workin the situation. She gets a free meal and in exchange wants to shower you with great conversation. So you have to look at some half chewed roll nestled between her cheek and her molars. Be thankful that shit didn’t go airborne. Chewing and talking is an art. She is showing her appreciation and I officially deem you ungrateful. Bcs some very small part of me feels sorry for you (being a ho in all), I will give you an tip that usually works for the annoying freeloading holiday crowd….Next time ask her to bring a side dish that pairs with liver pudding and moose knuckle. If she doesn’t stay home, make her do the dishes. And for God sakes don’t think I can’t see through the “I love her dearly” opener. That’s almost as bad as “Honestly” or “She has a pretty face.” You only love her bcs you have to. Bcs you were a big fat ho who didn’t think through lifting your mini-skirt on the first date. I don’t get paid enough for this….

XO

kellerB

ear Help a Sister Out,

I think I am losing it. I am older but not that old.  My sister and I often go grocery shopping together. She drives everywhere bcs I just don’t like driving anymore. She’s sort of the family Uber. We rely on her alot. She’s not scared of anything yet we are almost the same age. Anyway, we were at the grocery store the other day and when we came out, neither of us could find the car! We walked and walked, looked and looked. Finally we laid our eyes on it. We both sighed with relief. It was a bit scary being that we both felt like we were losing it. I wonder if you have any advice for these sorts of situations in case it happens again.

Dear Miss Daisy,

For fuck sake! Now I’m AAA? This is a trendy gossip column aimed at helping those with interesting problems. I do not rank losing your fuckin car at the Wegmans up there with Page 6 scoop. What is it with the rando old crowd finding my blog? Did I boost my post on AARP? To be clear you are old. Anyone who says they aren’t that old is at least 77. So own it sister. How to find a lost car in the parking lot….hmmmm….let me think….thinking….oh yeh Einstien….use your F’n key fab to unlock it and listen for your car to say “Over here old bitches!” Problem solved. By any chance are you related to the lady with the toilet paper stuck in her ass from last week? I swear you must be passing by name around. Please stop. As for your sister….she’s a Saint. You and your family have driven her to dementia with driving dependence. I hope she’s charging you. I would. Perhaps you need to leave a breadcrumb trail, take the bus or I don’t know use Instacart. I’m quite sure all of those options are way over the top for you. So here’s what I need you to do…go ahead and book a room at the assisted living facility and call it a day. And stop passing my name around. 

XO

kellerB

Dear Help a Sister Out,

I’m trying to lose weight but I’m always hungry. Just the mention of “lunch” and I start salivating. I’m not overly fat but man I love to eat! I feel shamed by this new wave of “get healthy” people on social media. They are drinking shakes and exercising and I’m over here dreaming about my next meal. And I eat fast. It’s like I can’t wait to get it down. What makes me like this? I feel ashamed. Please help.

Dear Waiting to Inhale,

Thank you! I needed a break from the grey hairs dram. This is right up my alley! So the clinical term for what you have is Food Aggression. To be clear I’m not a Dr. I just happen to know bcs I waitress stalk…more on that later. Pop on over to Sisters in Fat for all the sage advice you can handle on the subject. It’s ok to love food! Anyone who says they don’t is clearly hiding Twinkies in their sock drawer. Trust me. The “in” thing right now is not drinking or eating. Do you read the bible? The end is near. If Jesus drank wine why shouldn’t we? He also enjoyed supper for the record. And if the end is coming I recommend you eat up! Bla bla green shakes and cardio. Smoke and mirrors. I’ll take Little Debbie over Green Giant any day. Fact. I find you to be the most normal person I’ve heard from. Look at it this way….you could be losing your car at Wegmans, waking up with an ass full or toilet paper or watching your SIL spit holiday rolls whilst chatting it up at the Easter table. For Fucks sake! Dreaming of nachos seems reasonable compared to the 8 shades of crazy going on right there! Seriously girl…you are fine! Somewhere someone tried to keep you from your food and this is the result. I know…my Mother counted the cookies in the cookie jar. Who does that?! F’n freakshow right there! To date, I can’t buy anything less than Costco sized Double Stuffed! It’s trauma girl….trauma! Who did this to you? Get in touch with your inner fatty and release the demon. I’ll even put you in touch with Theodoress and you two can take the bitch down. It sounds like she needs a good after Easter kill. Love you mean it.

XO

kellerB

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