Dear Help a Sister Out,
I smoke weed….a lot. I know it’s not “a thing” anymore since it’s legal n all but I feel like people judge me when they find out. Honestly it just relaxes me in this world of chaos. It takes the edge off of every day life. Some people drink and that’s ok but weed is looked at in an entirely different way. Any suggestions on how I can feel better about this whole sitch?
Dear 4/20,
I hoped you enjoyed your special holiday yesterday. It’s like Christmas for the potty trained crowd. I could have used a good contact buzz yesterday my damn self…I digress. Listen, you hit the nail on the head with the Judgie McJudgers. The wine drinking Kettles calling the Pot black is unacceptable. I know bcs I can chug some Rose’ with nary a side glance from anyone. I could use a little judgement to slow my roll. But this isn’t about me and my issues with the French and their fantastic wine. It’s about you, your HIGHness. Girl smoke up! My theory is if it grows naturally…get it. Smoke it, stick up your ass…whatever works. If people judge you…who the fuck cares mmmkkkkay! What’s that old saying? “People in glass houses….need their windows cleaned or something like that. Anyway, smoke up bitch! And share a little exhale with the judgers….sound like they need it. Later Cheech!
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I want to do so many things with my life and I just can’t get focused. I’m all over the place. I start 100 projects and finish exactly none of them. They are all things I want to do but I’m so ADD I can’t concentrate. When I do finally finish something I feel so good. Yet, it doesn’t last long enough to carry through to the next project. I’m not clinically ADD just a mad woman with no direction. Please be kind and help me out.
Dear Squirrel,
Please do not ask me to be kind. I do not posses the aforementioned skill. And I don’t think you came here for kindness. You can get that in Church. SQUIRREL! Sorry I had to. Did you look for it? I slay myself. Anywho, why are you so fucked up? Settle down bitch. Go smoke some weed with 4/20. She sounds like a party. Might help you focus. Take a DEEP breath. Just reading your submission made me anxious. I may have to visit 4/20 with you. How about I give the simplest solution that any 8 year old could have come up with? Does that sound like a good plan Fluffy? Mmmmmkkkay. Don’t start something new before you finish your last project. I want to call myself a genius right now but….yeh….wasn’t that hard. Slow your roll. I would suggest meditation but I can almost feel what a shit show that would be right here from my keyboard. So we are going with a one word solution…Xanax. You’re welcome. Bye girl bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I am recently divorced and don’t think I need a man but I’m starting to realize I need sex if nothing else. I don’t want to get all caught up in a relationship just to meet my needs. Is it a thing for me to be able to just want sex and not the rest. I’m over all the drama. I need some time to just be “me” and figure things out but in the meantime I have needs. And don’t tell me about a dildo. I want the real thing. Any suggestions?
Dear WomMAN,
Please check your lady bits. I fear you may have a dick and can therefore solve your own issues. This is “man talk” at it’s finest. “I want sex with no attachment.” Girl…hang the sign and open the door. I fear you may need a bouncer. Of course it’s ok to need a sausage biscuit without making it a combo! Less calories equals and mo’ money in your pocket girl. And what per say is wrong with a rubber dick? Why you hatin’? Doesn’t sound like you have one rubber or otherwise so you may want to jump on Amazon and solve that problem right there mmmmkkkkay. Girl they make em’ to “taste.” You can get a pile driver, a tickler or one that sways from side to side…the world is your oyster! I got the chills! The best part is they don’t talk back! Don’t forget to stock up on batteries. Sounds to me like you might be busy. If you need the real thing just go on FB Marketplace, copy/paste your submission and lube up. You won’t be waiting long. Jesus Cristo take the wheel.
XO
kellerB