Dear Help a Sister Out,
Ugh! We are almost halfway through April and I’m still fat. I know…I know…you’ve heard this all before but I’m stuck! Any ideas on losing a quick 30 by Memorial Day? I feel like I’ve tried every diet there is but I end up blowing it every weekend. There’s always some party, dinner or company in town. I feel like I should be able to just eat a little and or drink a little but that doesn’t appear to be in my DNA. I’m hooked on Rose’ and guzzle it like it’s my J.O.B! Summer isn’t going to help since that’s the official start of Rose’ season. I’m a hot mess! Help!
Dear Fat Betty,
Call Wine-one-one and sew your mouth shut. Please report your progress. Thank you for the heads up on Rose’ season…..EVERY DAY IS OPEN SEASON ON ROSE’ FREAK!
Bye girl Bye,
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
My bestie has a small child that everyone in our friend circle adores. “He’s so cute. Did you see what he did? OMG he’s like the perfect child.” I want to barf. The kid is ugly and annoying. Since I have no children of my own I can’t really say anything. However, I’m soooo tired of hearing about little “Johnny” and all the amazing things he does. If he shits his pants they think it’s the most perfect poop ever. WTF?! And they want to bring him evvvvvverwhere. I mean everywhere…girls night, dinner out, clubbing….you name it. I want to leave him in a shopping cart and sell him on FB Marketplace. To dream. Anyway, it’s putting a strain on our friendship. Any ideas on how to hang out with my crew and avoid the demon seed?
Dear Favorite Person Ever,
I might love you! It’s almost as if I wrote in to ask myself this question! Giiiirlllll….not having the maternal vibe is hard when your friends are laying eggs all around you. You may need to find another coop to chase cock. I love kids…when they go home with someone else. I think that’s a virgin womb thing. Not to be confused with a virgin thing bcs that prize was given away long ago thank you very much. Ughum. Kids are tolerable in the right setting. It sounds like Mother Hen has crossed a line here. The chilren’s don’t need to be involved with the pussy posse activities. Idea…Invite little “Johhny” to wine night and then secretly call CPS. Don’t forget to play dumb and act surprised when they show up. Killed 2 birds right there…got rid of the Hen and the egg. I’m a freakin genius! When the dust settles let’s have a drink and talk about how ugly newborns are….bcs we never get to say that either! Ummmmkay!
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
It’s spring break time and I’m a little bitter. Explain to me why this “holiday” is always about where my family wants to go. Hell I wanna sit on a beach sipping strong drinks enjoying the silence of no husband and no children. Yet where are we going? Disney! Shoot me! So I have to spend the week pretending to enjoy standing in long lines, watching children scream whilst my husband plays on his phone. Oh and spend $10million dollars on park food that I hate. At what point does Mom or I’ll even go Mom/Dad get a Spring Break? Is it wrong to even think that? I feel like a bad Mom but I need a break too. Help!
Dear Bad Mom,
Never fear I have a solution for you. Send your husband to Disney and go on vacation with “My Favorite Person Ever” above. I’ll go one step further…hook your husband up with little “Johnny’s” Mom and they can take the demon seed to Disney. You might get lucky and they will do the nasty….solving all the worlds problems in one trip. I know you threw in a vacation with your husband so as to not appear unhappily married but girl….we read right through that shit. He’s going down with the ship! Listen, the notion that women have to work, raise the children and do all the other things we do is to blame for the demise of many a marriage! Tell his dumb ass to get off the phone and get you a Dole Whip or something. I can tell you I’d rather stick pins in my vagina than go to Disney. Ya feel me? So tell him he can take the kids to Disney and you’ll see him in a week. Let him feel your pain. You’re going to divorce him anyway. You may not know it yet but I’ll run a follow up to this story after it plays out. Go relax in the sun and think about life for a week. You can’t get rid of the kids but you can give him full custody and limit your exposure to every other weekend and holidays. Men do it all the time. Ok so maybe you should remember this isn’t Dear Abby and my advice comes from a place of too much wine and alot of anger. Mmmmmkkkayy. Perhaps Dr. Phil might be your people. Enjoy your break behhhhhhaatch!
XO
kellerB