Help a Sister Out 5/15/23

Dear Help a Sister Out,

I’m trying to get better about NOT judging people but I’m not sure where to start. Isn’t it human nature to look at someone and immediately size them up? I mean…I do it without thinking. I’m not trying to be mean….it just happens. I’m a Christian woman and I know this is a BIG sin in the bible. I don’t want to go to hell!  How do I stop seeing the bad and focus on the good? I can’t be the only one with this problem? 

Dear Judy McJudger, 

Finally someone who admits they are an asshole without me calling them out first! I applaud you! I like how you threw in the Christian thing for effect. Classic. My guess is you go to Church at Christmas and Easter like the rest of the “Sunday Saints Monday Aint’s?” See how easy it is to slip into the judgie vein? Welcome home. If I remember correctly,  Jesus went so far as to use an “ass” to bring people to the Lord. I consider it an honor to be “that ass” and you should too. However, I suspect no one is following you to the alter with your Easter egg hiding over spending heathen holiday ways. My advice comes in parts. Part 1: You have to learn to hide shit better. While you can’t hide from the Lord, “Butter Face” doesn’t need to know she’s a 10 from the neck down. Wear sunglasses and cover your mouth. Always save the commentary for the car and never trash talk into the wind. Shit carries. Sage advice right there. Part 2: Look in the mirror. Mhhhhmmmmm. Marinate on that for a minute. Perhaps your teeth look like you subsist on a diet of rocks and sugar cubes? Wackin chin hairs your favorite pass time? Thanksgiving got nothing on your turkey neck? Get the point? You aint all that mmmmmkaay! For every person you judge you should know 10 are judging you….11 if you count me. The fact is you ARE going to hell so dress accordingly. Carry on….

XO

kellerB

Dear Help a Sister Out,

I can’t sit still. It’s a problem. I talk fast. I walk fast. I think fast. I eat fast. My therapist says I’m running from something but I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. I think everyone finds me annoying. I try and slow down but it’s not in my DNA. I think they call it Type A? I want to live in the moment and enjoy the little things. I feel like I’m always focused on the destination not the journey. I know that’s cliché but it’s true. I think the only time I’m still is when I sleep but I can’t see myself so I’m not sure. Any advice?

Dear Most Annoying Person Ever,

OMG! Shut the fuck up!! I could hear your motor mouth running away just reading that. You sucked the life out of me in one small paragraph. I need a minute. Ok I’m back.  I can confirm….EVERYONE FINDS YOU ANNOYING. You clearly have no friends. If I was anywhere near you I would throat punch you. You have to know how annoying it is to be around someone like you right? Allow me to elaborate….if I could bottle your energy and sell it to the power grid, even they would walk away from it. Whatever you are running from must be found before you spontaneously combust or worse yet continue living and torturing the rest of us. Surely they make meds for this sort of shit. They make them for everything else. Google how to subdue a horse and follow the directions…closely. Is it safe to assume there’s no Mr. Annoying person who calls you his (random sign of the cross- he would be selected for Sainthood unlike Judy above)? Please don’t give me that opposites attract bullshit and tell me he’s some meek meager sensitive guy with a big cock who compliment’s your psychotic self. I just can’t handle it. There are so many of us searching for a big cock so please be kind and do him a favor….hand him over. We know he’s ugly. All the nice ones with big cocks are. We don’t care. Problem solved. You shut the fuck up and give up the dick. My bill is in the mail.

Dear Help a Sister Out,

I got married at 32. I thought if I waited to marry I would have time to choose the right person. We’ve been married for 2 years and I feel like I made a mistake. He drinks all the time and he can be mean. I’m athletic and he tells me I act like a man. This hurts my feelings. Just bcs I’m active and like sports doesn’t make me a man. I don’t want to have sex with him. I’m sure this is TMI but his wiener is this weird pinkish red color. It freaks me out. Reminds me of one of those red hot dogs. I feel like a failure but I don’t want to live the rest of my life in misery. What are my options?

Dear Mrs. Red Hots,

First of all…I am never eating a hot dog again. I feel like I could have lived the rest of my life without the deets of your husbands man meat. I’ll give you this…the visual had me hurling my ho-ho’s and I thank you for sparing me the empty calories. I need to dissect this shit show before rendering my marital advice. First of all, waiting til 32 doesn’t make you well thought out. It means you were coming perilously close to the scratch and dent aisle. Not a good place to be. You thought you were being strategic. The rest of us saw your eggs rotting in the carton whilst the 20 year olds were banging your prospects. Not well thought out at tal. So that left you whatever the 20 somethings had no use for. AKA pink dick boy. Ew just ew. Perhaps it gets really good blood flow? Could be a compliment to your rotting eggs. Now, let’s address your manhood. This is where I jump back to team “you.” He’s threatened by your ability to take care of yourself. You could be a social climbing whore who’s after his money….but no. You are the Jo-Lo to his pink man meat. Sorry I just can’t get over it that fast. Men want to feel like you need them for everything from ass wiping to oil changes. I suspect if he was rich he wouldn’t be with you. He (and his pink peter) would be with someone younger and hotter. So am I telling you this is the best you can do? No I am not. Sister…there are some flesh colored ball park’s out there waiting for your manly puss. Get out while you can. Red dye #40 will take you down. Don’t get hung up on failing. Everyone fails at something. You failed to be the whore you should have been in your 20’s thus securing you a life with the “other” white meat. Girl…you aint lived until you’ve had a one of those split down the middle German Brats. Get back in the gym and work on bringing out your inner whore. Don’t forget to stretch….

XO

kellerB

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