>If you are wondering why there hasn’t been a post in a couple of weeks….grab a mirror. I can’t make this shit up. Share your dram at kellerbwrites@gmail.com or thou shall go without the madness. Mmmmkkkkkay.<
Dear Help a Sister Out,
This is sort of a sensitive subject. I’m a breast cancer survivor and I’m really struggling with body image. I had a partial mastectomy as part of my treatment. I didn’t really think about it at the time. I was more concerned with getting through everything. Now that some time has passed, I’m really struggling to feel sexy. My husband says it doesn’t bother him at all…still sexy to him. But I’m not feelin’ it. Every time I look in the mirror I see half a woman. At 55 it’s been hard to get my mojo back. Any advice?
Dear One Tit Wonder,
Girl! Stop staring at your tit and give yourself a pat on the back! You made it through! Tits are good for 2 things…feeding babies and holding up dresses. Beyond that they are a mound of problems! I feel you though….I got a headlight out my damn self. It’s not pretty to look at but what’s a girl to do? You chose life! That’s way more important than your defunct career as a stripper! Be proud of that Frankentit! It’s a sign you made it to the other side. It’s all in how you look at it. It’s like…look at what you do have not what you don’t have. That’s what I tell myself every time I check my bank balance. That’s for reals scary shizzle right there! Listen…if you have a husband who loves you and thinks you’re sexy…you are telling him he’s wrong every time you say otherwise. He’s cross trained girl…that’s no small feat! Don’t push that man away bcs you lean a little to one side. You’ll end up in the Tinder scratch and dent section real quick. Slap a nippy on that thing and roll on!
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
Something strange has been happening to me at the gym. I’m hoping you have some advice for me. Whenever I ride the bike my butt crack cracks…meaning the skin. It happens when I ride the bike outside too. It’s the strangest thing. I am constantly adjusting my rear on the seat to try and make it comfortable. I can feel the skin cracking as I move around. What on earth would cause this? It’s quite painful when I bend over. I’m afraid my ass is going to rip open. What’s a girl to do?
Dear Asssquatch,
Lort and the actual baby Jesus! I didn’t realize my name was KellerB, MD! How the fuck would I know what’s going on with your oversized ass crack that has found the need to make more room for itself?! I mean let’s break this down. You are going to the gym to make your ass smaller. Yet yours has decided to open up another chapter to make room for whatever it is you are feeding it! My first instinct is to suggest a little soap and water on that thang. It appears you are in fact bathing which restores my faith in the readership here at “HASO.” Perhaps your soap is too strong? Using Coast? The “Eye” opener. Perhaps your brown eye is following the lead of the cleanser you have chosen. Stranger things have happened. This also could be attributed to overuse of ass wipes. Don’t get me wrong…I love the ass wipe. Nothing like spinning one around your finger and cleaning out the cavern for that fancy fresh feeling. You gotta keep it where it belongs. Don’t be wiping north to south half way up your back n shit. One finger twirl, insert and release is the proper method. At least that’s what Howard Stern says. And use the unscented ones. No one wants to smell your baby fresh ass crack. No one. So beyond that I would suggest drinking more water. It’s like the “restart” of the computer world. Ask any Dr. anything and they say “Drink more water.” If your ass keeps cracking, stop going to the gym. Problem solved. Please don’t tell anyone with a penis you suffer from this…whatever it is. You’ll never get laid again.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I have a stinky co-worker. There I said it. She smells like “B-O.” Back in the day I know some people didn’t like to wear deodorant bcs of all the chemicals in it. It’s 2023…they make it without that stuff now. So every day I am forced to come in the office and smell her. Ugh! And it’s the kind that smells like whatever she ate. And I’m not allowed to work from home. Our HR department is so dang sensitive to EVERYTHING now they won’t address it. They said it’s a cultural thing. Easy to say when you are in another state. What are my options here?
Dear Stanky & Cranky,
Girl! I feel like I just scratched one of those scratch and sniffs you used to buy at the store back in the 80’s. Except I remember mine smelling like Strawberry Shortcake not garlic and onions. First of all, screw HR! All this woke shit makes me cray! We need to go back to beating our chil’ren and stop graduating every grade from kindergarten up! That’s where this shit starts. Don’t get me started. Since bitch slapping HR isn’t an option you should quit. Immediately if not sooner. I know I know. It’s not fair that you have to give up your job bcs the HR folks were raised on time outs and medals. I get it. What are your options? Stay? Ok…I’ll riddle you that. Beat that smelly bitch at her own game. I suggest saging the entire office before anyone comes in…and leave it burning all day. Next up…..Brussel Sprout Casserole with Limburger cheese heated in the microwave every day until she relents. Burn it sometimes for the extra effect. You might also try small hints like cans of Lysol strategically placed outside her door. Or perhaps some coupons for Toms Deodorant secretly emailed to her daily. You gotta get creative. On a real stinky day tell her you have COVID and she needs to stay at least 6 miles away from you. Best case you’ll get sent home. Tell them it’s Long Covid and you may be able to stay there. You’re welcome.
XO
kellerB