Dear Demented Abby:
After successfully avoiding the highly contagious Covid, how do I prevent my husband from catching the “7 Year Itch”? I’ve less than 1 year to come up with the antidote.
You know the “honeymoon” is over when your husband only shuts the bathroom door when taking a crap is when the dog is inside (Rover likes trying to figure out what was for dinner the night before).
My silk & lace nightwear is bulging at the seams (some untouched with the tags still on),water weight has made my stripper shoes too tight, and my arthritis presents challenges when giving a Hand or BJ.
The “way to a man’s heart is through his stomach” approach doesn’t help my Plus Size situation.
I welcome your thoughts and advice.
Sincerely,
Proactive SIF
Dear Sexless,
First of all, it took me over an hour to figure out what the fuck you are saying! Please note: I pretty much checked out of learning after the 3rd grade. If you can keep your questions to a watered down version of the Kings English, that would be greatly appreciated Mmmmmkaaaaay. You do get points for the name….Demented Dear Abby. It’s kinky. I like it. I’m going to attempt to breakdown this shit show of a submission the best I can. I really need a glass of wine but I’m still hungover from last night. Attempting this sober is going to be interesting. So your husband was able to thwart Covid and now his nether regions are itchy and you need an antidote? For fucks sake it’s called Gold Bond sister. Tell him to stop playing with his balls and wash his hands before touching anything. Men are so gross. Itchy balls. This is what it’s come to? Jesus take the wheel. Not even a 10 foot cock would make me fuck a man who shits with a dog in the bathroom smelling his excrement. Where the hell do you live?! Do the they have running water and electricity? If so, fill the tub with water, get in and throw a live wire in along with you. Your life is over sister. In the event you are not ready to meet your maker, perhaps plus size stripping is an option? I’m not sure if there’s a market for muffin tops and cankles but it beats death….and fucking your husband. Take the tags of the ho wear and get busy. The fact that you are still willing to deep throat the cock gives me hope for you. And for the record, the way to a mans heart is through is penis. If you have some sort of kinked out thing you do with the stomach…please share. And If you insist on using your skills on your shitting dog loving husband, I suggest you lock Fido outside and join hubby in the loo. If he does in fact have the “7 year itch”, use a condom.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
Ugh! I have a “friend” who shall remain nameless out of fear she will read this. I took her on vacation with me and it was a nightmare! She ruined the whole trip. She didn’t want to do anything. She just sat there and stared at me. She won’t do anything on her own. I basically have to tell her what we are doing and listen to her bitch and complain the entire time. She doesn’t smile or even act like she’s having a good time. When I confront her, she says she’s not like this. We’ve been friends for years. I don’t want to write her off but I’m so over it. Any advice?
Dear HBIC (Head Bitch in Charge),
If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were married. Miserable, doesn’t do anything and complains all the time. Yup. But you say she’s a “friend” so either you aren’t out of the closet or you need to be locked in one. Divorce her ass! Aint no reason I can think of to put up with that shit. Duct tape works wonders on the mouth in a pinch. If your goal here is to wake this bitch up and show her what life is like with her….record her ass! Play that shit back (while she’s duct taped) and make her spend some time with “her.” That should do the trick! Or better yet….leave her ass at home! A little one on one time marinating with her parasitic twin personality might do her some good. However, it sounds like she thinks she’s a ray of fuckin sunshine when in realty she’s pissing on your parade. How to fix that? Get new friends. This is why I think she’s more than a friend. I’m a bit of a detective when I need to be. If some bitch was taking over my vaca with her Debbie Downer attitude, she’d find herself locked in the car with the windows up until I could find a suitable replacement. Aint nobody got time for that. No-BODY. I fear she’s more than a friend and you can’t get rid of her…like the shingles. That shit is PAINFUL and with you for life. Unfortunately for you their aint no vaccine for annoying “friends.” So you’ll just have to tell her she’s a Twatwaffle and be done with it. And don’t wait for confirmation….. she doesn’t know she’s a Twatwaffle. Go
find you a new waffle to butter. Mmmmmkkay.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I’m getting married….whoooo hooo! I’m so excited! All my friends are married and I was worried I would be the last one…which I pretty much am but that’s ok. We are getting married on the beach at sunset with all my friends and family. I have 10 bridesmaids and I can’t wait to go dress shopping! I’ve been doing a lot of reading about what to expect. So I’m super worried about drama and being “that” bride. I mean I don’t think I will be but who knows lol! I want everything to be just perfect. How do I plan for my special day sans drama?
Dear Bridezilla,
You just earned the first honorary “Shut the fuck up” of this weeks post! Jesus take the wheel! I’d rather read about the shitting husband banging the fat chick AND the dog AT THE SAME TIME (in the loo) rather than read that run on over-energized millennial paragraph from hell again! While you didn’t throw in “like” every other word…mentally I did! And I know you would have had we been talking instead of writing. My fucking brain hurts. I need a minute. Ok I’m back. What I hear you saying is you’ll be divorced by next year. You ramble on and on about the wedding, the bridesmaids and the venue….nary I hear one word about the groom? Because he’s probably planning his exit as we speak! There’s a reason you are the last one to get married. I believe it’s called “scraps.” 10 brides maids?! Are you fucking kidding me? Are you forming some sort of bridal team? No one wants to watch (and wait) for 10 town whore types to stumble down the aisle in their puffed up awful dresses in 10 different styles bcs you thought it would be fun to let them wear what they want. No ONE. And how about some love for Dad who has to fund this shit show of a charade. If you don’t want drama stay single. End of story. A wedding is one day. Read that again. One day. The 10 bridesmaids won’t be saving you when your husband decides he prefers shitting with the dog to fucking you. They won’t. If you want a perfect day with no drama, get you some Taco Bell, belly up on the sofa and watch Nat Geo re-runs. You’re welcome.
XO
kellerB