So I took a little time off to eat, drink and fish. Now it’s back to the business of keepin’ bitches straight!
Carry on…
Dear Help a Sister Out,
A family member asked if I wanted to go to a concert for my birthday. It’s a great band, so I accepted. Then she invited another family member, which is fine. I love them both. Then, neither could go. So I was pressed to find 2 people to join me. I accidentally got 3 “yeses” for only 2 tickets. I know, party foul, I swallowed my pride and reluctantly uninvited someone, and she graciously said she was super busy and that it was fine. You’d think problem solved, right? No, because the 2 friends, who I adore, don’t seem like they really want to go. And now, to be honest, I don’t want to go either. WWKD
Dear Welcome to the Jungle,
4 words….you need new friends! What the actual fuck?! I got dizzy AND cross-eyed trying to keep up with that hot mess! This one time at band camp…. Speaking of bands…what do you consider a “great band?” I mean….someone invites me to Def Leppard or any 80’s hair band I’m not only going, I’m wearing my jorts, waving my lighter and inviting everyone I know with a mullet! Doesn’t sound like that type a party. Here’s the sage advice only a pro such as myself will give you….next time….sell the damn tickets (all 3) and buy some new friends! They aren’t that expensive these days. I’ve picked up a few on clearance that have worked out. Get you some nice ugly ones. You’ll have a better time when all the attention is on you. Happy Birthday and you’re welcome!
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
Fall is just around the corner and it’s depressing. My jeans don’t fit, it will be dark for like 23 hours a day and it will be too cold to do anything. I absolutely hate the colder weather! I know I should move somewhere warmer but I don’t like the excessive heat of summer in those places. Any suggestions on how to cope with the upcoming winter blues?
Dear Slit My Wrists,
Um….it’s still warm. Get your fat ass outside and enjoy it while you can! How do I know you are fat? Hmmm….your jeans don’t fit, you are miserable and you hate excessive heat. Screams Forever 10x. You might possibly be the most depressing submission ever!. Seriously! Girl! You have to make the most of EVERY day! Not just the climate controlled ones. Buy a blue light. Hell buy a dildo….you won’t even know what day it is if you get a good one! You have to pick something you like about the colder weather. Since I know you so well, let me help you: Pumpkin rolls, Halloween Candy, Thanksfreakingiving, Christmas parties and stockings filled with dildos and chocolate! Your spirit meter is soaring….I can feel it from here! From there you roll right into “New Me New Year” where everyone is all fatted out and you will have a posse of peeps to commiserate with. Before you know it the Easter Bunny will be here with more chocolate and the warmer weather you seek will be just around the corner. Pro Tip- Weight Watchers is having $2 Tuesdays…get you a deal whilst you can girl. Eat all the free food and save your points for wine. No one likes an unsocial fatty. Let’s roll into the Pumpkin holidays with jeans that zip….mmmmmmkkkkkay. Bye girl bye.
XO kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I am a single woman in my early 60’s and I’m dating again. It’s scary. I found someone I like….alot. He was so caring and sweet BEFORE I gave it up. Now that I gave him some he’s changed his tune. I mean WTF?! Aren’t we too old for this shit? Just say you only want sex and let me decide. Why lead me on? I thought dating at my age would be easier from this perspective but it’s not. Any advice?
Dear Sexually Seasoned,
Oh my girl, oh my. First of all….no man EVER….EVER says ” I just want sex.” That would be like…honest. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news but women mature as they get older and men actually get more immature! Okkkkkkay! Yes, there are a few good ones out there but it’s like finding a pickle at a pussy party. It taint easy girl! I assume this man was married previously? They are the worst when set free. Their dicks are like radars with no specific target if you get my drift. So you held back on the Poonda Kitty in hopes of a relationship. That’s so 1980. Girl…that’s called a challenge. Men love those. Now he’s done hit it and quit it. Can I be frank? A quick bang in the beginning should not be underrated. I mean what if you waited 6 months to give it up and he has a pricker peen? Aint nobody got time to ride a thumb girl. Nobody. You should change your thinking. Do your “leg work” upfront. Smoke out jokers like this. Tell him you are into sex and that’s it. Give him a bite of the pink taco and see if he’s worthy of the whole enchilada not the other way around. Change your ways now…your undercarriage needs maintenance as it ages….before it falls out. Go get your shit serviced girl…no strings. Report back please….
XO kellerB