Dear Help a Sister Out,
It’s Super Bowl Sunday and I know I’m supposed to be baking football shaped everything and be ready to party but I’m just not. I could care less about the Super Bowl. But my husband is all into it and I don’t want to disappoint him. We have like 3 parties to go to and I’m not excited. I’ll have to bring a dish for each one, talk to people I don’t feel like talking too and listen to grown men scream for hours on end. Any advice to get me out of this?
Dear Side Whiner,
If this is the worst thing you have to worry about, please do me a favor and shut the F up. Beer, food and watching TV makes me ooze joy from the depths of my fat soul. Not to mention men in tight pants bending over for you on the reg…I fail to see your issue here. Think of it like Hooters for women. Throw some onion soup mix in some sour cream and viola you have a cheap appi. Bring good chips though. You will be judged on this. I’m going sturdy crinkle cut or kettle chips for the win. And for the love of God put it in some fancy container with your name on the bottom so they think it took hours to make. Do a lot of…”I can send you the recipe if you’d like.” And then don’t. Onion dip is the duct tape of the food world. It makes everything better. Talk to no one. Wear a mask and tell them you have the Vid. Works every time. And next month tell your husband there’s a Lifetime Movie Marathon for which he will be expected to be present. I promise you won’t have this issue for Super Bowl 2025. Mmmmmkkkaaay girl? Bye.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I actually like watching football. However my boyfriend feels like he has to “mansplain” every play to me like I’m some dumb girl. I’ve tried to tell him nicely that I grew up with 4 brothers….I get it. Yet he persists. It ruins the game for me. And not for nothing when we go places to watch the game it’s even worse. It’s embarrassing. So now we are having a bunch of people over for the Super Bowl and I live in fear everyone is going to think I’m some dumb trophy girlfriend. Any suggestions?
Dear Some Dumb Girl,
Sorry not sorry….you said it. First of all…who said you are a trophy girlfriend? I think someone might think a little too much of herself….mmmmkkkay. Settle down. I’m sure you think you’re hot. Maybe he does too. But he definitely thinks you’re dumb. He may not be wrong. I cannot say. Maybe you should pick your own sport and leave his alone? Just an idea. Men don’t want you taking over the one thing they have that screams “I AM A MAN!” Let him have his football. Maybe he’s explaining things to you bcs it makes him happy to share his love of football. Or maybe you are just dumb. The possibilities are endless. So why don’t you be a good little dumb (not so) hottie and say things like “Oh thank you for explaining that. You are so smart. You know everything about football.” When executed properly this move has been known to elevate commitment status. I’m talking promise ring girl! I can’t say what he will promise bcs….well you being so dumb and all but there is hope for you. If all else fails there is a way to shut a man up. You can swing one of 2 ways….Porn Hub or Snapped. The ball is in your court…or field or whatever. Score!
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
It’s the biggest Sunday of the year! I’m getting ready to parrrrrtay! I love me some Super Bowl girl! Food, beer and friends! I’m headed to a huge party in the neighborhood. So excited! Only one issue…I have to work tomorrow at 8am. Ugh! I have no PTO left. I know there’s no way I’m gettin my party on and waking up in time for work tomorrow. Since you are so good at bad advice, can you tell me how to get out of work tomorrow? Thanks girl.
Dear Tardy for the Party,
I can’t believe you are asking me to help you ditch work?! I’m all over this one! Frankly I’m tired of the “man” issue questions. When men are the center of all your problems you don’t need my help…you need a new man….mmmmkkkkay! So back to your slacker ass. Some might tell you the Super Bowl is not a reason to lose your job. I disagree. If your employer doesn’t recognize your dedication to grow your team skills through copious amounts of overtime (on a Sunday no less), he doesn’t deserve you. Yes, I said he. A woman would at a minimum make this a floating holiday. When you care it shows. So I challenge you NOT call in sick. Call in MOTIVATED! You are just too pumped up to show up. You are at home prepping your newly found team building skills to share with everyone on Tuesday when you’ve had the proper amount of time to evaluate their commitment to your success. It’s spin doctoring at it’s finest! Even I’m unsure of what I said. Throw in some corporate words like “Over arching and Deep Dive” and management will be adding Super Bowl Sunday to the PTO calendar 2025! Of course this involves you pre-gaming the hangover, getting rid of the bags under your eyes and showing up early like the Polly Positive you claim to be at 8am sharp on Tuesday. Me…I’d go with a fake and just call in sick. Much less work. Everyone’s hiring. Bye girl bye. Oh and go Chiefs!
XO
kellerB