Dear Help a Sister Out,
My husband has been working from home for three years now. He’s taken over my kitchen, my couch, my snack cabinet and apparently my entire life. I love him but I need him to GO SOMEWHERE. Anywhere. A coffee shop. A library. A ditch. I don’t care. How do I get my house back without filing for divorce?
Dear Desperate in Denver,
The kitchen AND the snack cabinet? File for divorce immediately if not sooner. If these offenses are not part of an already established prenup you have my permission to have an affair and call it even. If you are hopelessly in love (lifting you in prayer) and can’t bring yourself to execute said punishment, take your ass down to Home Depot, buy him one of those outdoor sheds and a padlock. Feral Husband living in the backyard screams Happy Wife. You’re welcome.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out ,
I have a best friend who tells me everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Every detail of her marriage, her sex life, her bowel movements, her mother-in-law situation. I love her but I did not sign up to be her therapist, her priest or her gastroenterologist. How do I get her to zip it without losing the friendship?
Overshared in Ohio
Dear Overshared in Ohio,
Ever heard of a muzzle? They work wonders. Perhaps you could overshare the dirty details of your every “movement” and give her a taste of her own brew. From the inner workings of your bowels to your constant need for cunnilingus…if she isn’t running for the hills she might be your people. Friends who listen to your nonsense and stay the course are rare. Maybe you need to buck up buttercup and know God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Oh yes I did.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I am 52 years old and my mother still calls me every single day. Sometimes twice. She critiques my hair on FaceTime, asks when I’m having children even though I have three, and recently told me my couch pillows were the wrong color. I love her but I am one phone call away from changing my number and moving to Iceland. How do I set boundaries with a woman who doesn’t know what boundaries are?
Ringy Dingy in Rhode Island
Dear Ringy Dingy on an Island,
You send me this the day after Mother’s Day? Aren’t you lovely. Do you know how many people would kill to talk to their Mom twice a day? Ungrateful hussy. I just happen to know of a guy locked in a shed in Denver who would love you. And he would be the only one for the record. Mothers are annoying as part of their DNA. You should know this as you ARE one X3…with all the annoying DNA passed down coursing through your veins mmmmkay. Suck it up. Fluff the pillows, fix your frock and pop some babies outta that enormous 3 car garage between your legs. Mother says so. Consider your bell rung…mmmmkay.
XO
kellerB
Dear Help a Sister Out,
I have been on every diet known to mankind. Keto. Whole30. Intermittent fasting. Weight Watchers three separate times. I even tried that thing where you only eat during a four hour window which basically means I starved until 3pm and then ate my entire kitchen. I cannot lose weight and I cannot stop trying. Send help. Or snacks.
Perpetually Dieting in Pennsylvania
Dear Phatty in Philly,
Why does this sound like every other submission I get? Oh that’s right because it IS! Listen, put the chips down and back away from the pantry. Slowly. If you trip ain’t nobody gonna pick you up. For starters eating in a 4 hour window IS fasting. Coulda saved a few brain cells right there. Let me ask you something…do you live in a cave? There’s this whole movement called GLP-1 that has taken over the world. Why are you trying so hard? Leave it to the pros. Inject and forget. Food can be dead to you for a mere $500 a month. If you can’t afford it, I know someone looking to rehome her Mother…she’d probably pay you to take her. I got Lil Debbie’s number if you shot gets fo’ real. Bye girl bye.
XO
kellerB
Got a problem? Lord knows you do.
Send it to kellerBwrites@gmail.com
I may or may not help you…mmmkkkay.
Follow the Madness Across Social