I’ve left you hanging on the bulkhead at the Hilton Molino Stucky since November. Not a bad place to be “stuck.” Last we “spoke” I was swimming to catch the lovely Lady Windsurf and make the trek from Croatia to Italy. Well technically I was in a water taxi with our “Man Twat” driver but it’s a new year so I’m trying to be nicer than I am actually capable of being. “Assface “- New Year New Me not so much – dropped us at the dock where we slung 400 pounds of luggage over the bulkhead whilst trying to figure out where we were going. This is the only negative thing I will say about Windstar cruises booked directly through Windstar…they leave out the important details. Always book through a travel agent when possible. Little things like where to pick up the ship/boarding process are pertinent …mmmkkaay.

We managed to figure out the large boat with sails was ours and proceeded to make our way through the stalls to be cleared for departure. It was a bit creepy in that we were the only people in said stalls. Now we did push it to the limit by arriving at 4pm when the boat was due to leave at 5. Who wants to sit on a boat overlooking Venice when you can actually be in Venice? We were definitely the last people to board. Fine by me. Except the part where you make your dinner ressies when you board. Good information- we did not in fact have. This left us at the mercy of whichever restaurant wasn’t booked. Luckily we tried and loved them all. We also did not know the “Muster Meeting” was Mandatory. Say that 5 times. So, we sat back and watched the flock running around with their life vests on as requested. It’s when you hear your room number on the loudspeaker as a formal disobeyer of the “Muster Masters” orders that you rethink your insolence. We quickly ran to our room to watch the video and “muster” the energy for our walk of shame. I refused to wear my vest. To be clear, if the boat sinks exactly no one is going to remember what the fuck to do much less who is muster mastering the chaos. I’m making my last phone call and jumping in a tender post haste. Yes, while it’s still tied to the ship. Yes, I will push the elderly out of the way to do so. You have been warned.

The rooms were surprisingly big! Nice bathroom, comfy bed, desk, closet etc. I don’t know why I thought we would be living in a closet. We were on deck 1 which was about as close as you can come to scuba diving. I wasn’t sinking money into the room. I had shit to see outside of the floating paradise. Not to mention the pod. I needed pod money. Honestly, the room was perfectly fine. We had one rough night at sea where our porthole became a bit of a fish tank. Good thing I like fishing. The strange part is I didn’t feel any rocking or anything like that. “Capt. Croatia” told us there are stabilizers under the boat that keep it from swaying. The one thing I could hear…the brakes! No sleeping in for us! When we hit port, we knew it lol! I was too excited to sleep anyway.

I would love to take you in detail through every port in Croatia. This would cause severe PTSD as I want to go back. The hubs made it clear this was a “Trip of a Lifetime.” Aka no mas. Stay tuned as I booked Greece/Turkey 2026. That happened. Anywho, the question I always get is, “How was Italy?” Italy is as you would expect it to be. Amazing in every single way! The food, the people, the history…it’s everything! Croatia…now that was a surprise! I’ve heard it referred to as “If Greece & Itay had a baby” and I have to say I agree! The coastline along the Adriatic Sea is stunning! The salty teal green water lures you in! We took a RIB (Rigid Inflatable Boat) for almost every excursion. This allowed us to get into coves and experience things larger boats cannot. I’m leaving off the part where the tour guide decided it would be a good idea to sing along to YMCA whilst underway. Organized white people anything gives me the chills. Of course, RT played along. He’s way more tolerant than I am. There was a bit of a kerfluffle between 2 of the lady RIB riders. Loved watching women in Gucci squabble over who was sitting where whilst bouncing along on a rubber boat listening to the Village People. Its white trash meets Palm Springs Reality TV. I was all over that action. We did blue water cave snorkeling, ate salty oysters and drank Malvasia (Croatian wine) and walked cobblestone streets admiring brightly painting buildings that are hundreds of years old. We relaxed in the sun with Croatian beer and local fare. It was like being on a tropical island without the Jimmy Buffett lanyard crowd. Think culture meets the sea. Unfortunately I took in more than my fair share of “man hammocks.” Why, just why? I get Europeans love them, but quite frankly if I want to see your frank & beans I’ll ax mmmmkaay. Man bits should be housed appropriately at all times. Unless you’re huge. In which case there’s sort of an unwritten rule to provide at least a glance. What?! Men have been ogling boobs for years. The least they can do is return the favor when qualified. There are rules, however.  10 inches +…this is where the qualification starts mmmmkkkaaay. Limits the pool of offenders.

Moving right along. I had what I believe to be COVID from day 2ish. No smell, no appetite, slight fever (which broke night 1). One of the Palm Beach ladies asked if I was sick. I said, “No, just a cough.” To be clear a cough equals sick, but I wasn’t about to get all “WebMD” with Palm Beach Pam. The layering effect of GLP1 + COVID caused me to LOSE 3 lbs on vacation. Fair. The staff was so amazing. They (unlike Palm Beach Pam) didn’t ask questions. They made me PITCHERS of hot toddies on the reg. MORE than fair! I have to say the crew were second to none! Our fav bartender “Adi” made me Gin and Tonic each day when we came back to the boat. Since I am a self-confessed ghetto bougie type I asked for Hendricks gin. It’s my fav. Every night on queue Adi would say, “Hello Kelly. You want your Jimmy Hendricks?”  Why yes, I do.  We sat by the pool/piano bar for cocktails until dinner and then enjoyed a night cap looking out over the ocean. With only 328 people on board, it never felt crowded. We watched a volcano erupt whilst eating dinner. That doesn’t happen at TGI Fridays! We enjoyed turn down service every night and port sheets delivered to our room. One day I asked the crew if they would print me a port sheet/map from each stop so I could take it home with me. Within hours everything was in my room packaged neatly in a plastic sleeve. I shouldn’t tell you the crew left candy in our room one night and it was so good I asked for more. My inner fatty has her own passport, FYI.

We had to skip the last stop in Croatia due to high winds. “Capt Croatia” decided we would go to Taranto Italy instead. It’s the inner heel of the boot, not Canada. That gave us a sea day/night to relax and catch up on “Jimmy Hendrix.” Mind you I was still “Covidish.” Before you get all judgie, I wasn’t the only hacker aboard. I had a massage to try and push things along. A stone massage to be clear. It did exactly nothing other than drain my bank account and leave me congested. I wasn’t ready to leave Croatia but I sure was ready to see Italy! I was hoping my taste would come back by the time we got to Sicily. Did it come back? Stay tuned…..