Check another hijacked holiday off the list….Easter is over. Poor Jesus died on the cross, found it in his heart to rise again and we go and replace him with a rabid bunny that shits out chocolate for the chil’rens. All whilst wearing our Sunday best. I fear the sheep have gone astray. As in… out to pasture with no hope of coming back. If I was Jesus I’d be looking for life on an alternate planet. Clearly we are too far gone. On the bright side, all the “Whiskapalions” who gave up drinking for Lent can relieve their livers post haste. Do we think Jesus is smiling down on us when we dry out 40 days a year? I’m guessing not. I do not participate in such Tomfuckery. I am who I am every day of the year. An ass. I’m consistent if nothing else. If Jesus turned water to wine I believe it to be beneficial to my health. Who I am I to question that kind of authority? Y’all can go to hell sober and pretty…Ima bring up the rear wine stains n all.
As if the holiday scene isn’t already out of control, let’s add Facebook holidays to the mix, shall we? It’s National “Something or Other” Day EVERY damn day! Who comes up with this shit? Mark ZuckerBORED I fear. I don’t know about you, but the 10k friends I don’t know that follow my every move take this shit seriously! You better not forget to post a picture of whomevers day it is and pour on the praise or the Wordle Trolling Whores will find you & call you out! There’s a crowd of crazies right there! Yes Mother, that means you. Woman couldn’t help me with my goesintas growing up but somehow she can line up vowels & consonants quicker than Vanna White. She says it helps her brain. Ima leave that right there….ughum. I will not be wishing you Happy “Anything” Day unless FB tells me it’s your birthday. That is pure genius right there. Nothing says “I care” like social media reminding you it’s Mom’s birthday with a link to an instant gift. More of this and less National Sibling Day por favor. I have one Sibling. We celebrate the fact there aren’t more of us every day, thank you.
Lest I forget all the Hallmark Holidays. Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Valentines Day, Bosses Day….need I go on? I shant. I’m the gift that keeps on giving…why must I reward others for having me in their life? At $5 a card I’m not. If I feel the need to send a card it’s coming from the Dollar Store. And that’s if I’m feeling generous. What are you going to do with it? THROW IT OUT! So I pour all of my emotions into a $5 card that I didn’t write so you can read it and put it in the waste bin? Brilliant move Hallmark. However, I have a work around for local kin. I take them to the Hallmark store, pick out a card, let them read it and then tell them to put it back. Nothing says I love you like an instant return. Of course Mother will have none of this. She requires the physical card in hand. And saves them….FOREVER. You’ll recall she has my hair in her jewelry box. Hannibal Lectress aint lettin’ a card go. What do we think she’s doing with them? I can’t be sure I want to know. She likes mushy cards. So I send funny ones. I’m not your emotional friend…I deal in comedic solutions to all the worlds problems. Mother…the cards, the creepy dolls and my hair are going when you do. Prepare yourself. *Random sign of the cross.*
Can you even imagine dying for the worlds sins and the world celebrating your very birth with an overweight toy peddling hustler in a red suit who squeezes his fat ass down the chimney to deliver gifts in your honor? Good times. This is what it’s come to. We took the legit holidays, turned them into money making schemes and added a few fake ones to guilt the atheists into coming off the cash to suffer with the rest of us. Lucky for us Jesus is very forgiving of our earthly nonsense. The bible says he even used an ass to bring people to the Lord. Suddenly I feel very secure in my salvation. The rest of you need to pray. To be clear there is no Wordle or Facebook in Heaven….Or Santa….Or Easter Bunnies. I fear the flock is in for a shock…