If I asked how many of you check Facebook on the reg, you would surely blow up my website. While it could use some activity…I aint lookin for that kinda action mmmmkkkay. I’m not suggesting I’m not guilty of said crime but it’s way more fun to take you down. So what is the harm in a little mindless trolling? I mean…checking out pictures of friends/family and the exotic places they go seems ok right? Sure. But is that whats happens? Hard no. What happens is you get sucked into places you weren’t looking to go and end up investing way more of your day peering into the lives of others than you should be. Sound familiar? Liar. Perhaps you just don’t realize it’s happening. Wake up call here from the “kB”- it tis. Put the Iphone down and step away from Facebook. If you do it for like 30 days you get a toaster or more brain cells or something.
Here’s what I expect when opening FB for my daily troll fest: “Oh look at little Johnny and his new bike. So cute. Oh my Mom has taken up Zumba…go girl! Check out Betty on her European vacation. So jelly!” Here’s what really happens: “It’s with a heavy heart that we announce such and such has passed away (x10). Please help me find my dog. He’s normally so good but today he broke free and is wandering the hood with no collar. Pray for such and such who’s in a bad way. Please donate to the Gofund me for “X” – they are having a baby and need diapers. Status: I’m reading a book, having coffee and then I’m going shopping. 500 targeted ads. It’s Sons Day/Daughters Day/2nd Cousin Twice Removed Day. What you would look like as an Otter. Reels of someone watching someone cook with snarky commentary. Big Fat Betty before and after with a rando diet sure to revolutionize my life in the comments. Someone selling a used trailer with no title on Marketplace. Pictures of the huge gash on your arm with all the details I could have lived without. Such and such is checking in at someplace. Some rando is passive aggressively yelling at someone they would never approach face to face. My Mother thinking she’s posting on someone’s page but instead there’s a post on her page that makes no sense to anyone.” Yet I scroll and scroll and scroll.
I can’t be sure what I’m looking for. Perhaps it’s like that old saying about a trainwreck….can’t look away. I find that disturbing as well. Why would you stare at a trainwreck? Because you are a freak and so am I. I think I have 1000+ friends on FB and I maybe know 2 of them. But don’t think I won’t walk up to you in the Publix and say “Haaaay girl!” like we’ve been knowing each other all of our lives. While this usually results in a “Do I know you” look….the eyes tell all. Because we both know what each other has been up to (in detail) for weeks. Kinda creepster. Do we need to “know” everyone we come into contact with and share our whole life? Probably not. But we do. We want in on the madness bcs everyone is doing it. It’s trendy and cool. It’s a time sucking trap and I’m ashamed to say I step into it every day. Why? I’m glad you asked…
In Facebook land everyone puts their best foot forward. Look how good I look. Look where I’m going. Look what I cooked. Look at my happy life. I’m so successful. Look at all the fun things I do. Look at my happy marriage. The problem is, you can’t see behind the veil. Popular post: “I’m sipping coffee on my porch, reading a book listening to the birds chirp. I think I’ll head to the beach later, grab some lunch, have a nap and meet friends for a drink this evening. #relaxingweekend #lovewhereIlive #lifeis great.” First off…I have no idea where the pound sign sends this information but it must be someplace important bcs the hashtags are longer than the posts. Not to mention it takes me 20 minutes to decipher mile long hashtags without spacing …so tone it down mmmmkkkkay. Loosely translated, I’ll tell you what these posts really mean: “I hate the morning, I’m hungover and hoping coffee will make me functional. I’m trying to read a magazine but the fucking birds won’t shut up. When I’ve had enough of that I’ll squeeze my oversized ass into a tankini, belly up on the beach for some fresh air bcs the coffee didn’t do the trick, inhale a sub to bank some calories for drinking later and hope the sun will brown my “chicken” so I don’t appear so chubby when I wear the skort I shouldn’t be wearing at the club later and I’ll surely need a nap before I pull another rager with the Ho’s.” Perhaps I should start doing reels with translation commentary. #ideas
My point is…what you see isn’t always what it seems. People come up to me all the time and tell me I have the best life. Always on the go. Always having fun. In some ways that’s true. But most of the time I’m just exhausted, running like crazy and checking off rando to-do lists. I’m super happy that it looks like “the best life.” Clearly I’m meeting FB standards of excellence. Go Me! Come spend the day with me if you want a dose of the crazy! If you want to look at FB I’m not suggesting you stop. I’m suggesting you look at it for what it is…entertainment. Her husband is definitely cheating, she didn’t lose 400 lbs in 30 days on the applesauce diet, you don’t need the coochie waxer that’s BOGO (hopefully you only have one) and for the love of God we don’t need to know where you are. Nothing says I’m coming to rob your home like the trip to Europe post. Your life is good. Stop comparing it to fictional Facebook Fuckery and enjoy it. Mmmmkkkaay.