Happy Freakin New Year! It’s like “New Me Monday” on crack. All of the sudden I can’t get a machine at the gym, everyone’s juicing and hanging their liver on the line for 30 days. It’s madness! Like clock work…January 1st hits and we call upon Jenny Craig and Betty Ford to make us a new! Freaks! There’s this theory that’s been around forever called “moderation.” Say it with me…mod-er-a-tion. While I don’t don’t partake in it per say, I hear it’s all the rage. So like instead of eating an entire fried chicken…maybe stick with a leg and a wing. Or instead of a whole bottle of Rose,’ just have a glass. I can’t believe I just said that. ** Random Sign of the Cross.** Why is January the “All or nothing Month?” I don’t get it. No drinking, no carbs, no sugar, no sleeping, no eating, no anything remotely resembling fun. No wonder we can’t make it to February 1st! Who can live like this? By the time we finally get to February we’ve kicked Betty and Jenny to the curb in preparation for St. Patty. God bless it! SO why do we do it?
We are a culture of people who train one another how to be better than we are. Yup. “We” are the experts in everyone else’s lives.We use social media to let everyone know what they “should” be doing if they want to be a better person. A dog needs adopting….how could you not adopt that sweet baby or at least donate. Go Fund Me for Aunt Betty’s breast lift….shame on you for not helping an old lady with saggy titties. Join our book club- read 1,000 books a day for the next 30 days and then go over each one in detail….your mind needs it. Or my personal favorite….the fitness challenges. Do a million squats a day for 30 days. Or push ups or whatever the hell else they come up with. It’s maddening! And the person scrolling through all of this feels “less than” if they can’t or don’t want to participate in the resurrection of themselves again and again. This has been going on for the 51 years I’ve been alive and I don’t see it going away anytime soon BUT….the addition of social media has given the madness a platform like no other. In your face….24/7. And we love it! We spend hours looking at little Johnny playing soccer and learning how to lose 45 pounds in 45 minutes with no exercise. Lest we forget the online fortune tellers who can tell us what color our soul is and what movie star we look like. Green and Angelina Jolie over here…not shocking…
Some traditions truly need to be broken in order to save the masses from themselves. I propose we do away with January 1st. Yes, I said it. And you like it. The good news is there’s no “like” button. It will be our little secret. We go straight from Drunkin December to March Madness. The world would be a better place. Look, I’m all about growing oneself…just look at my ass. Resident expert over here. But do it because you want to. Not because it’s January 1st or you read a book that made you feel like you need to be doing more. We can grow without the GO GO GO. Without even realizing it we are being shamed into believing that “it’s” never enough. Fill in the blank. Whatever “it” is. There’s a peacefulness to self reflection. You rob yourself of that peace when you look to others for the answer. It’s like wearing someone elses shoes. A bad fit and sometimes downright stanky. Decide what’s important to you. If that’s no carbs, no drinking and 1,000 squats, have at it. We won’t be friends but I could stand to lose a few quite frankly. My social calendar was off the chain last year. Anyway, my point is, grow bcs you see something in you that you want to change in order to further your happiness. Not bcs it’s “that time of the year” or everyone’s doing it. I literally do the same thing all year long….eat more than I should, drink more than I should and workout like a fool. I get those things don’t exactly go together. I subscribe to the 1/3 plan. I do one good thing and 2 bad. Don’t judge.
If I may be so bold to ask…. I prefer not to hear about your weight, weight loss and restrictive diets all year long. That would be amazeballs. Mmmmmmmmkaay. Look I get it… we are all trying to eat better and so on. Myself included. I’m just exhausted with the 24/7 convo’s surrounding this issue! You are more than a number. Read that again. I don’t care if it’s a size or your weight…we are not friends bcs of either of these things. Imagine if we were blind and could only judge each other on what we say. Ok scratch that….I would have exactly zero friends. I cuss to much. Working on that…or am I? Love you mean it but seriously you are enough. I applaud you for wanting to be healthy or squatting or whatever. The face punching and horrible self talk that comes out of expectations that don’t belong to us needs to go. I’ve been trying to lose weight for exactly 51 years. Yes, as newborn I was on a diet. I can only assume this to be true as my 78 year old Mother still obsesses about carbs. Jesus take the wheel. Mother did you have me on some sort of sugar free diet formula? Yes, yes you did. Anyway, confession time. I jumped on the January train (on January 3rd) for like 3 days. Why? Because everyone does. I am a victim of the very things I call out! No one is immune. My cravings went through the roof the minute I told myself I couldn’t have something! I just downed half a pan of Golden Graham marshmallow treats. Damn they were good! Brings back all the feels. With “New Me Monday” just around the conner I’ll jump back on the train….but I’m starting at a different station. It’s called Grace. If I get off at the wrong stop once in a while who cares. There’s always an opportunity to get back on if that’s what I want to do.
Screw these traditions. If they aren’t “you” – F em. Slow down. Stop trying to change everything at once. Do what you need to do to be happy. If you want to read 1000 books and give Aunt Betty new titties…by all means have at it. If you just want to read a good book when you find one, eat a little better, take a nap or take up that hobby you’ve always wanted to…do it. Because it make you feel good. I support you 100%. But stay the hell out of my gym…fat girl needs her fitness. You should know, I’m walking the walk. I recently started taking French lessons. I love learning new languages and traveling. These things make me happy. Even if I have to buy an extra seat for my enormous ass…I’m ok with it. I can cuss at people in various language’s and go on about my business. Life is short. Do you. You are everything! Happy YOU every year!