I took some time off to deal with the million month cold I’ve been blessed with. It started in Florida and traveled back to NC with me. A traveling cold. Imagine my joy. I went to Florida to visit one of my oldest friends. She’s not old…our friendship is. When I say “old” you assume her to be a childhood friend. You would be wrong. We met in the 90’s working in Washington, DC. If you do some quick “goes in tas” you’ll come to the same conclusion. In any event, we have the same vacation standards which makes visiting ideal. We nap, we eat, we drink …we repeat. More than fair. She’s retired now and I’m super jelly. I dream of retiring but I can’t seem to stop doing things that make me exactly zero money. Like this blog. A collection cup is forthcoming. Ughum…
So anyway, Florida was great. Warm, lush and full of things to see and do. Except the part where it tried to kill me. It’s nice to wake up to bright sunshine and pretty things to look at. Palm trees, green grass and perfectly manicured landscaping. However, the fact that the entire North East corridor lives there kills the vibe for me. If you think you want to move to NY or NJ just move to Florida. They all live there. For now, I’ll keep rednecks and biscuits and stay put. I like walking into the places I frequent and being greeted with a smile and a “Hey Ya’ll.” It does get exhausting having to talk and be nice to everyone everywhere you go (southern manners n all) but I’ll take that any day over city life. I guess that makes me a “neck.” I’m ok with that. I’ve certainly been called worse, thank you very much!
As I reflect on my trip, I took a walk down memory lane and had a good laugh at some of the things my friend and I have done together. For anonymity purposes I’ll call her “Susan.” We used to work at the same company and often attended meetings at the “Silver Diner.” One of my favs. I always got there 12 hours early bcs I lived in fear of being late. I no longer have that fear. I just don’t care anymore. Your ass can wait for me. Anyway, “Susan” always joked me about my breakfast choices. Without fail, I ordered chipped beef and fruit punch every time. She was like, “What are you 12? That’s not an appropriate business breakfast.” She quickly learned I am fat first. Loyal to the core. Nothing comes between me, shit on a shingle and fruit punch. I’d sooner be fired. Then there was the time we decided it would be a good idea to take a trip to FL to see one of the other managers that lived there. Our timing was unfortunate in that it was spring break. So we went out and tried to “fit in.” While hanging out with the cool kids we were asked why we were there. Spring Break of course. We got a “Yeh right.” So we were officially called old in FL whilst in our mid-late 20’s. Fuckers. Lest we forget the trip to the “DR” where I was officially her “plus 1.” Her man at the time couldn’t make it so I filled in. Luckily I wasn’t asked to perform any of his duties. We drank our faces off, ate 24/7 and “Susan” may have attempted to order a beer at the children’s pool. Neither of of us have children to this day. If we can’t day drink at the kiddy pool there will be no children.
My quirks have always fascinated “Susan.” Once, we arrived at a hotel and I insisted we run a mock fire drill according to the directions on the back of the door. Yes, I mean a blindfolded crawl to the nearest exit. I found it to be prudent. Think about it…in the event of a fire who’s crawling to the door sans visibility? No one that’s who. Add to that we will most likely be drunk and are odds of survival steadily decrease. While I get it’s a very “Young Sheldon” thing to do, it’s always best to be prepared. She convinced me happy hour was higher on the priority list and we scratched the mock drill. On another outing, “Susan” hipped me to the art of girl fighting. I didn’t know this was a “thing.” In my world of perfect peace girls don’t fight. There was an unfortunate incident in the ladies room where a mutual friend decided to don her “ho wear” and “Susan” let her know it wasn’t a good plan. A brawl ensued. Ok maybe not a brawl but lots of “words with tone.” I tried to intervene with some common sense “can’t we all just get along” and quickly became the enemy. Girls can be brutal. What did I learn? Let a ho be a ho. It’s just easier.
As much as we’ve shared there are still some quirks I haven’t revealed to her. Like the fact that I carry a window breaker in my glove compartment. Because ya never know when you could be driving along, end up in some random body of water and need to break your window. I just hope whilst the car is sinking I have the forethought to open the glove box and read the instructions. Thank you for the gift Mother. Apparently she watches a lot of Dateline. While we are in the glove box, lest we forget the narcon. You never know when you may happen upon someone who’s had too much. Best to be prepared. I think you just have to stab them with it. Can’t be sure but certainly sounds like something I can do. I’m not so good with directions.I was going to take a CPR class but I hear you just have to keep pressing down these days. Again, I’m sure this is well within my skillset. Luckily I haven’t had a chance to use any of these items in the last 20 years but you never know. So what have we learned about me today? I”m always prepared but will most likely drown or watch you die bcs while equipped with all the things needed to save you (or me) I’m poor in execution. But I’m a good friend who will eat, drink and nap with you so there’s that. Ummmkkkaaayy…