Monday, December 7, 2009
Tis’ the season for a fatty on the move. Wild holiday parties….shopping sprees….that’s why everyone else travels between November and December. Me….not so much. I prefer to overeat/drink in the “womb” and I do my shopping online… it allows for anonymity when the numbers don’t add up. My holiday traveling revolves around the gift that keeps on giving….my Vajayjay. Late November/Early December is when I head to the big city for my annual tune up. 5 hours of driving in exchange for months of riding. It’s a fair trade off. I’m often asked, “Why do you insist on choosing a doctor that’s so far away?” My response, “Do you service your Mercedes at Jiffy Lube?” Me either. Come on honey! In the grand scheme of things, it’s the most important piece of equipment on this over sized frame! That thing harbors all sorts of magical powers. Not just anyone is qualified to work on it! Gheez. The way I see it, $30 (co-pay) gets me more action in 20 minutes than I get all year. And it’s far enough away from home for me to enjoy it without making headlines. “SIF pays for sex.” No one likes a scandal.
Add to the aforementioned equation one hot doctor and you have the makings for an all out affair. Except the part where he couldn’t be less interested in me and he knows all of my dirt…and that my uterus is tipped backwards. That can’t be attractive. Top that off with a mandatory weigh in, and it’s safe to say the only affair we are having is the one I dream up whilst my ovaries are being realigned. However, comma, on this particular trip, the weigh in went from traumatic to tremendous without any help from me! Typically, I find a way to shed a few pounds before I see the mechanic. It excites him when the numbers go down and there’s nothing like an excited Gyno now is there? Needless to say, he’s very rarely excited when I come to town. In fact, I usually get the “Why aren’t you doing your self breast exam/why are you soo fat” lecture. Why would I feel my own boobs when it’s included in the co-pay? I’m just sayin is all. As far as why I’m soo fat….because I like to eat. It’s really quite simple. I usually try and spice it up a bit with some tears and a random fake story to make him feel sorry for me. Last year’s Emmy Nominated performance was, “I eat because I’m unhappy. I’m afraid if I was happy I’d be thin. Thin chicks are annoying and I don’t want to be annoying. They also have way better lives. Starting over at my age is out of the question. Brad Pitt is already spoken for. I’ve missed my window. Besides…I rock miserably fat like no other.” To that I usually get an extra squeeze on the ole saline sacks. Damn I’m good.
Before I get to the weigh in, I have to back up. Part of the allure of traveling is eating out. Having a legitimate excuse to eat at McDonald’s is always better than my usual excuse, “Because I like the fries.” On the way out of town I stopped by to pay a visit to an old friend…Ronald McDonald. As I was shoving Mc’loveliness down my throat, my phone rang. Damn! Why do people always call when I’m eating….umm maybe bcs I’m always eating. It was the Neurologist. No good can come of that. For him, I set down the nuggets and answered the phone. After all, he might reveal that I was dying. I would then have the prefect excuse to eat myself into the grave. Little did I know he had the best news ever. It seems my latest test results showed that I have low blood sugar. Really? I figured over saturation to be the case. It seems my body just plows right through sugar leaving me famished. I knew there was a medical reason I was hungry 24/7….this guy is a freakin genius! The cure? Eat more! He said it… and I almost wrecked the car in jubilation! I love this guy! Personally, I think he was rewarding me for not wearing underwear to the visit. What? I didn’t think he’d be looking “there” so why dress her up? I learned that all Dr.’s do 2 things: #1 make you strip and #2 weigh you. I’m OK with #1 but #2 is downright disturbing. I hung up the phone wishing I had more to eat. Dr’s orders n all.
I felt overly prepared for the “Why are you so fat” question when I arrived at the mechanic’s office. There was now a medical reason for my insane obesity. My body needed a constant stream of everything to do anything….something like that. Imagine my surprise when “Dumb Nurse” came out to get my vitals. “Dumb Nurse” is the one I get about every other visit. I had lost track between her and “Mother Time”–she’s no less than 156 years old and I get no benefit from her bad vision. That bitch can read a scale! Anyway, “Dumb Nurse” is sweet and….well dumb. She’s so busy asking you about things that don’t matter that she forgets about things that DO matter…like oh say your blood pressure and weight! But she sure knows where you are spending Christmas! After removing everything but my kidneys, I got on the scale. I knew the number, so I watched to see if maybe my scale was off by a few hundred pounds. No such luck. They use one of those old scales with the sliding bar and I find it doesn’t err in my favor. As I turned to dismount the slaughter box I heard “Dumb Nurse” announce my weight to be 10 lbs lighter than what the scale actually said. I didn’t think much of it considering her title. So I proceeded to the little white room to don the lovely paper robe that barely covers half a butt cheek. Luckily the damn thing ties in the front. I don’t look so bad from that angle. I paid good money to look better up there…oookay! Anyway, the Dr. came in and said the following, ” I am so proud of you!” My immediate thought was that he was finally coming around and this was his attempt to show interest. “Why,” I asked. “You lost 10 lbs,” he exclaimed! Oh good Lord. He went on to ask what I attributed my weight loss to. Ummm….your dumb ass nurse! That seemed harsh so I went with running….lots of running. “No changes in your eating,” he asked. “Nope, not one single change.” That would be the only factual part of our conversation that day. I wanted him to have his moment. Come on….I’m not gonna lose 10lbs again for at least 2 more years when “Dumb Nurse” comes back on rotation!
As he rearranged my innards, he reassured me that I had perfectly normal anatomy. Perhaps in my girly cavern, but behind that uterine wall lies about 6 buckets of fries that don’t look too pretty without a paper robe covering them! He told me my eggs were good for about 7 more years. Really. I told my husband that carton expired a long time ago. Won’t be sharing that tidbit. I don’t even like eggs. Particularly ones that like fish and produce problems. As he exited the room, he winked at me and told me this was my best visit in years. Why? Did my “shit” look that good? I guess bcs of the 10 lb weight loss “Dumb Nurse” hooked me up with. I wanted to be happier about the weight loss but it was all too easy taking advantage of the system. I did what Mother made me do whenever I told a lie…I went to be alone and think about what had transpired. I came up with the following: A. A lie isn’t a lie if you aren’t the one who started it…B. It’s ok to follow through on someone else’s lie to spare them their dumb job and C. In the last 2 days I was told to eat more and that I lost 10 lbs….HOT DAMN!
You can only imagine what happened next…I went to Dunkin Donuts to celebrate! Don’t worry, I got the holes. A dozen of those are only like 4 donuts. I couldn’t imagine a better road trip…until it hit me….Next year, I would have to lose 20 lbs to make up for the 10 lbs that I didn’t lose this year! That is, unless, I could somehow find a way to get “Dumb Nurse” promoted to full time liar. So I decided to write a letter commending her on a job well done. What should have read, ” Dear Nurse, Thank you for being dumber than I am thin. Please continue to be outgoing and blind. Love, 10 ponds Less.” Ended up as, “Dear Dr. Hottie, now that I am down 10, what do you say we kick that dumb ass nurse out of the room and work on crackin some of those rotten eggs?” I haven’t decided if I’ll mail it or not. I figure I’ve got 7 years to think about it. If you’re wondering if I make this stuff up….step away from the computer and wash your mouth out with soap. There are 2 things I never lie about: Weight Loss and Vajayjays’. I have learned that with careful planning, they can come at the same time.