Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Well I finally did it. I went back on the “crack”. By crack I am of course referring to the second best diet drug in the world. The first being Ephedra which the evil government took away. Why is government interfering with the fatties anyway? Don’t they have enough problems? It would stand to reason that if the fatty crowd lost weight we would put less strain on the health care system. So we lose a few to heart attacks and some will grow extra appendages but all in all, crack saves! That’s why you shouldn’t give people like me drugs. I get way to happy. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to jump over to the other side. There won’t be pictures of me doing vinegar shooters in the Post or random sightings of me asking for a salad instead of fries. I haven’t lost my mind for Gods sake! I just needed a little mask to get me through a rough patch. Boy if that doesn’t sound like an addict I don’t know what does!
So basically when I take the crack I don’t look at food in the same way that I normally would….in other words I don’t attack and inhale! I can look at a french fry and walk away. I know…this shit is good, right?! I also don’t crave anything. Why just the other day I looked at a cookie, walked past it and then came back for two! I said I didn’t crave anything…that doesn’t mean I can walk past a warm oatmeal cookie and not show deference. In just three days I’m down 3 lbs. Yes, it’s water weight but a SIF never questions a tip in the scale when it leans in the right direction. In fact, when I went to the doctor to get weighed for slaughter, I noticed something interesting about “doctor scales”. If you lean slightly to the left, the numbers go down. I can’t be sure my left butt cheek just doesn’t weigh less than the right but I wanted to pass on the info anyway. We SIF need all the tricks we can get. Scales are evil after all. Just when you think you are down a pound or two along comes a new scale to tell you that you have gained 10! Scales were obviously invented by men…. Inconsistent, irritating and liars…who else could be responsible.
Sometimes when I blog “greatness” I can almost hear your cries through the computer. To this I say the following…No I will not tell you what the drug is! It’s FDA approved for the fattest of the fatties, it does come with some risks and I probably shouldn’t be allowed to take it as I do not fit the morbidly obese guidelines that accompany the script. I am a very careful diet drug person. Why just today I bought a blood pressure machine to monitor myself while on the pills. Now I feel like an 80 year old obese person. Next I’ll be sticking my finger for glucose. The drug is perfectly safe. I just happen to be a psycho. So as I get ready to go home for lunch I’m left to wonder what I’ll eat. I know I’m hungry but I want for nothing. It’s very strange. Being skinny kinda sux. If there’s no joy in eating…there’s no joy! And don’t try and convince me that turkey burger tastes like beef or that salad is a great substitute for fries. No, no and more no. Fat is fat. Once you’ve had it, nothing can replace it! I think my husband said that.