I’ve hit a new low. Before you get too excited I’m not talking about less hours in my infamous hour glass figure. Just when you think I couldn’t pull another card out of my fat ass….I’ve truly outdone myself this time. You know my issue isn’t working out or drinking water. Got those 2 covered. It’s the ever present hand to mouth disease that keeps me on the North side of 450. I love food. As I should. Were Jesus alive today, he would not be cleansing and eating quinoa. Promise. He loved wine. I’m quite sure Little Debbie would have been invited to the Last Supper had she not been otherwise engaged. Ahhh to see Swiss Cake rolls at the table. To dream…Listen we all have our versions of the bible. New living, amplified….Fatty. One love. Once again I’m off track in the first paragraph. “A D D” and “F A T”- bad combo. In any event, the aforementioned incident took place at the gym. My divided loyalties always seem to get me in trouble. To sleep in and eat donuts or go to the gym and squat. There should be a compromise there. Like sleeping in and eating donuts whilst squatting. Alas the world is ruled by evil skinny people. #VOTEFORAFATTY2024.
Focus kellerB focus. Ok so I dragged myself out of bed to go to the gym at 6amish. That’s too fuckin’ early for any kind of commitment except sex. I was too tired for “cross-training” so I went to the gym….ass literally dragging on the door. The owner of the gym opened the door and said “What are you doing here?” Not the greeting of a “regular” I suspect. I’ve not been going as much as I should. It’s maddening! I look in the mirror and swear I will stop eating and look like “I should” before fall. That was last fall to be clear. Still here. “New Me” has been fatnapped by old me and unfortunately no one has come looking for either of us. Perhaps a missing persons ad on a box of Lil’ Debbie’s may help. She’s a ho. No help to me. So “New Me” is hidden somewhere between the belly fat and cankles of “Old Me” with no hope of escape. Once again I’m off track. Squirrel. Ok I’m good. Where was I? Oh yeh…the bellman at the gym was questioning my loyalties. Not a good start…..
I moseyed on over to the exercise bike. To be clear I hate the bike. I am 100% an outdoor person. However, I currently have plantar fasciitis which is a hell of a good time. They say it’s an “overuse” injury. Overuse of my fork perhaps. I cannot expect my feet to continue holding all that is me (and then some) without repercussions. “They” say I should stretch. “I” say fuck off. I can’t sit still. Hell I’m on the 3rd paragraph and you still don’t the crime for which I am guilty. It’s a talent. Keep them waiting. Anywho, on gym days I normally lift weights first. I have to beat “Grunter Guy” and “Moose Knuckle Girl” to the equipment. He grunts like someone is pulling his balls from his body and her pink taco staring me in the face at 6am has ruined Taco Tuesday FOREVER! So my plan is usually to beat them at their game. This particular day the gym was very crowded. Less than ideal. Now I have to perma-smile at people I don’t know or like. Fun. So I jumped on the bike and put on my noise cancelling headphones. If only they had an “unsee” feature. And to be clear noise cancelling only works until you make eye contact with one of them. They wouldn’t know a boundary if it pounded them in the pecker /pussy. Yes, that’s how I feel about it. I then have to pretend to care what they have to say. I do not. Yes I am tired. Yes I am later than usual. Yes I haven’t been here in a while. Yes, I am fat. Now move the fuck on…yet they stay. Sometimes they even hop on the bike next to me. I happen to come to the gym enough to know that particular bike is broken. Bye’ bitches.
So as I was riding and thinking about anything but the shit show surrounding me, I realized I was hungry. Why would I be hungry at 6am? Oh I don’t know…perhaps bcs I am having an affair with VanderPump Rose’ and she gave it to me good the night before. I need to break up with her. I just can’t. That shit be callin’ me. Sorry Pookie. It’s worth noting the gym is conveniently situated next to the best bagel joint in town. Add to that little tidbit a 7am opening and I’m practically prancing out of the gym for some “carbs.” But wait….there’s more. You can order online. Queue. The. Music! The crime for which I am guilty is ordering bagels, lox and cream cheese whilst riding the exercise bike at 6am. Let’s pause for a moment of silence and let that sink in….
It felt dirty…but like a good dirty. Like sex with Kid Rock dirty. I wanted to pat myself on the back for taking cross training to a new level…but I couldn’t. Moose Knuckle and Grunter Guy would not be amused. My therapist would not call this progress. I mean…I could have stayed home and ordered the bagels so there’s that. Whatever. That’s why I’m telling you. Judgement free zone here at Sisters in Fat. I can hear you applauding my breakthroughs. Love you mean it. I guess I know somewhere deep in my fat stores I have issues. Who does shit like this? Um me. Did I mention I literally walked out of the gym, through the parking lot and over to the bagel joint. My order was ready and paid for bcs that’s right…this frugal fatty has mad skills! Thank you online ordering! As I walked back to the car I realized the entire front of the gym is windows. I mean I knew this but I sort of forgot in all the excitement. Like leaving your credit card at KFC…you’re just excited to eat the chicken. The deets can be worked out later. So every freak in the gym saw me exit stage left, go to the bagel place, get in my car and go home to graze. Ask me if I care? I do not. Head held high. They can suck on their shakes whilst I bathe in bagels and cream cheese. So what have I learned from this? Nothing really. Would I do it again? Hard yes. Everything bad is so good. Even me …