Cart Attack

I’m not sure you’ll buy this statement but…I don’t like grocery shopping. It seems like a good venue for a fatty but it just doesn’t thrill me. Who needs food shopping when there’s take out? Let’s face it, me alone in a food store…no good can come of this. I spend too much money on healthy food that I’ll never eat and buy the bad stuff “for my husband.” Riiiiiiggghhht. This in turn leads to me gaining weight, my husband starving and wasting of said healthy items. Perhaps this is why I am slightly cart aggressive. I find myself getting angry when other shoppers are blocking my path. Why would you park your cart in the middle of the aisle while you feel up the avocados? Why? To make me angry that’s why. I realize that shopping for vegetables is a “process” that requires a fair amount of labor but that being said…park your cart off to the side and let the fatties through! I’m on your turf for maybe 2 minutes. As soon as I grab bananas for my hot fudge sundae, I’m outta there! Why must we make this a confrontational experience? Why?

There’s a unspoken rule in the war of fatties vs. skinnies, as it applies to grocery store etiquette. The skinnies rule the outer aisles and the fatties reign over the inner aisles. It makes sense. On the outside aisles you’ll find veggies, dairy and meat. On the inner aisles….paradise…donuts, cookies and Coco Puffs. I think we see who’s living the good life here. Unfortunately we have to cross paths from time to time. For example, in my store they moved all of the organics to an inner aisle. While I don’t appreciate the invasion, fine. I’m willing to give up one aisle because I like to go through that neck of the woods from time to time. I personally believe that organic Cheetos are a step in the right direction. And not to be whatever but I’ve seen my share of organic fatties. I suppose they are eating the Cheetos as well. That’s neither here nor there. When I’m on their turf, I get my shit and roll out. Cheetos and Newman’s Organic Oreos…check.

I’m not saying that I don’t need to purchase meat and dairy. I rather enjoy a good fillet sauteed in butter. However, sensing the impending battle, the grocery stores have separated the meat into fat ridden and cardboard. You stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine. I like cutting my steak with a fork…not a chain saw. However, there are the “dumb ones” who need the butcher to explain the difference between 80% and 93% fat. Simple….to the two “F’s.” Flavor and false teeth. 80% gets you flavor…93% gets you false teeth. Now roll on about your way. But that would be too simple now wouldn’t it? Now we have to have organic meat and finer cuts of organic meat and meat raised by organic meat! Let me tell you that I always end up 1 cart behind the person getting their PHD in meatology! If your family is so meat sensitive that they can tell what the f’n cow ate before he was slaughtered, you should trade them in for a new family. A family of fatties perhaps. We like nice low end cuts of meat….no hassle.

Then comes the most controversial part of food shopping… check-out time. I work the check out like a NASCAR race. I make lap after lap analyzing the amount groceries in the carts of ahead of me x the perceived speed of the checkout person divided by the amount of time before they call for another cashier to come to the front. As soon as the ratios are in line, I come in for a pit stop. Just like a public toilet, people tend to take the line closest to where they are at the time. Simpletons. If I did that I’d be in line all day. You need tricks….like counting a 6 pack as one item to get in the Express Lane or playing dumb when they turn off the light to let the cashier take a break. You gotta be quick and angry. I’ve been known to run over some toes in my day. Hey, I can spend time buying food or spend time eating food. I think the choice is clear. I can feel the sneers from the other cart owners as I speed through the checkout. Don’t hate the player hate the game. If you were paying closer attention to the “math” and less attention to the gossip mags on the check out aisle, you would be cool like me! I don’t have time for these amateurs. Hate me bcs I’m fat…not bcs I reign victorious in the land of my people! If it involves food you better know I have a game plan. If you aint in it to win it…stay in your aisle!