Thursday, October 2, 2008
So I was invited over to Tara’s house for dinner and Beach Body training last night….shameless plug for fitness business: www.imreadytogetfit.com. Anywho, Tara offered to cook dinner in exchange for said information. Deal. So Renee and I called her about 5:30 to see what was on the menu. Did you catch that SIF trick? Call ahead thus allowing for strategic planning should the menu not agree with your pallet. Let’s face it…Tara is known for cooking things I can’t pronounce much less eat! Figs stuffed with mold and good wholesome melons suffocated by the Italian version of bacon! It’s a crime is what it is. My pre-dinner call found Ms. Tara at the grocery store with our Chilean friend Jen. I figured Jen would convince her to cook some sort of cross-cultural, spicy number that would send me back to the porcelain patio for the 2nd time this week. Sort of but not exactly. I don’t think “Chili” came across any border that I’m aware of! As I know it, it’s the food of cowboys, truckers and football fans. None of these remotely describes Tara or Jen. I deduced that they must have been at a loss for something quick/easy and decided that a “Chilean”(said with a random Spanish accent for effect) should be able to cook “Chili” (said with a random Spanish accent for effect). All’s I know…I was off to McDonald’s!
I’ll just say it, I’m a gassy person. The doctor said it’s just how my body processes food. I take that to mean it aint my fault and expel as much gas as possible (in the comfort of my home of course). So medically speaking, me eating Chili could possibly solve the gas shortage in the south. Renee and I decided (out of respect for the invite) that we would sneak off to McDonald’s and fill our bellies with selections that didn’t pose such hazards to my health. We ordered at the drive-thru and pulled around like good citizens to retrieve our food when the unthinkable happened…they gave us an extra cheeseburger. Snap! Everyone knows as soon as the food crosses the window they can’t take it back without throwing it away. As my loyal readers know, I am into the “green” movement and do not waste. So we would just tuck that extra burger away for a crisis…or not. True to SIF form we hid in the parking lot and housed our meals as quickly as possible. I was on my last bite when the phone rang. Can you guess who it was? Tara! Busted! I didn’t answer. She’s good. She would hear my chewing and know what I was up to. As soon as I finished I called her back. She was still at the grocery. Damn! That’s one block from the McDonald’s. This was a crisis! We quickly packed up and headed out the back entrance in hopes of getting home before she did. Did you expect any less of me?
Now that we were free of any evidence (except a little salt around the mouth) we could rest easy. It went off without a hitch. She suspected nothing. That is until I didn’t eat the chili. A SIF not eating…I don’t think so! I thought of eating a little bowl to avoid the interrogation that was about to unleash itself upon me but I just couldn’t do it. One because I was full and two because I’d been holding in a toot all night! Surely the chili would release the demon from it’s cave! Then it started… I was accused of unthinkable crimes…in front of the dog no less! She accused me of not eating bcs I was going to leave and go to Taco Bell. Nope. That’s not it. Try again. Then the guilt angle. She apologized for cooking something I couldn’t eat and offered to cook me a Lean Cuisine. Ummmm….I’d rather stick pins in my eyes thank you! I was starting to feel really bad. I had to get out of there. The guilt was eating at me. Or maybe it was the wine. Can’t be sure. Either way, I had pulled off the coupe of century and I couldn’t even celebrate. Other than some random eye contact with Renee, there was no mention of the crime. Luckily Renee ate the chili so random conspiracy theories were overted.
Renee and I agreed to keep our “outing”on the “dl” bcs telling Tara in person wouldn’t have the same effect as seeing it on the web. That effect being a long “Tara lecture” on eating bad food and possibly being hit by various pots and pans. Yes Tara I am the master. Perhaps you didn’t think I was that good. I am. I have all sorts of eating tricks up my sleeve, down my pant leg and and many other places you wouldn’t want to go! Let’s pontificate shall we? When someone invites you over for dinner, is it disrespectful to make a fast food run prior to your arrival? Quite the opposite. Sometimes it’s necessary to be a little rude to spare others a from a situation that could erupt….well you get the picture. Riddle me this…Had I not been proactive, the scene would have looked as follows: there we were eating the Chili (accent) with the Chilean (accent) and suddenly the room was overcome by odoriferous emanations. I aint talkin Glade Plug In’s sisters! It would have been tragic! Just tragic! So as to spare Tara her worst fear I ate greasy fast food in the parking lot with Renee. I think it’s clear who’s committed to this friendship. There’s nothing I won’t do for a friend…except Chili.