Monday, June 30, 2008
If you have ever wondered just how food obsessed one person can truly be, today’s rant will surely bring it home. About two years ago I had an allergic reaction to something that we’ll call “shellfish.” They stole my blood, stuck me with about a million needles only to see that “on paper” I am not in fact allergic to “shellfish.” So where does that leave me? “Well, you better not eat it just to be on the safe side. Oh and carry this giant needle with you just in case we’re wrong!” I’m not a big fish eater but like most women when you tell me that I can’t have something I want it more. Since this incident, I’ve spent the last two years watching my husband slurp buttery crab and suck salty lobster meat like a cannibal. I decided to weigh my options…die eating crab or become a land lover? Of course I did the right thing and chose life…until today.
Today I took my fat ass to the doctor accompanied by a plate of shrimp, crab and lobster. Before you get all excited…there was no salty butter for dipping, no Old Bay waffling through the air and no cocktail sauce for dunking! No this was plain old steamed shellfish at 9am that was quickly getting cold. Yum eee. My allergist agreed to supervise my immanent death in 10 minute intervals. That’s a bite of shrimp….wait 10 minutes…another bite wait 10 minutes….another bite and then 15 minutes of waiting in between the various crustaceans. As I sat alone in the very aesthetically white room for 3 hours I had alot of time to think. My first thought..Was is wise to joke with my husband that he would be accused of murder upon my passing bcs he in fact cooked my death meal this morning? Probably not. I offered to leave him a suicide note but he was more concerned with the amount of life insurance I was carrying. Can’t wait to see his face when I come home tonight fully intact swinging my shrimp! Can’t get rid of me that easy sucka!
Now that the jury was in on my possible death, I was back to thinking again. It doesn’t get much scarier than that. Do you know what it’s like to sit there and wait for something to happen?. A random itch, a hive, a gasp for air? Nothing! Just alot of me terrorizing people via text message while eating cold shellfish. I read every magazine in the joint and lived out every patients fantasy…I played doctor! Minus the part where there’s a naked guy and I order a full body search. I grabbed that tool that magnifies everything it’s pointed at bcs it was in arms reach and I thought I could grab it without too much of a stir. Hint…do not point these sorts of tools at the butt and thigh areas. That alone causes lack of air, itching and hives!Bored with that after three minutes, I went looking for a prescription pad in hopes that I could score some Zanex. No luck.
I left there about noon beat down, hive free and starving! I leave you with my final thought, “A good plate of seafood…$19.95, a steak topped with lobster…$29.99, giving up your life for shellfish….completely useless! So I ask you this, “Why can’t we be allergic to the things that matter…like chocolate and fried chicken” Stay tuned…