Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Did you miss me? I’ll never be away from my fatlet for that long again. Never fear…I’m back from vacation and full of fatty commentary. Yes, I have returned from the land that time forgot….my hometown. We don’t have traffic lights, some don’t have internet and most don’t have a full set of teeth…but they are my people. They say hello when they see you on the street and honk when passing by your home. It’s like Mayberry minus that dumbass Opie. You’ll be happy to know that in one week I’ve obtained enough material to keep you entertained for months. For fear of random topic jumping, I will attempt to organize my “material” chronologically. I’ll spare you the details from the ride up except to say that I didn’t disappoint my fans. I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner at McDonald’s, Hardees and Burger King! I like to call them “The Big 3.” Supersize with a diet please…let the vacation begin!
So yeah, I always have this “moment” when I go back to the old house. You know how the smell of home brings back old childhood memories? I’d like to tell you that those “smellories” include Mom’s home cooking but Chef Boyardee tends to dissipate after it’s eaten. For me it’s all about walking into my room (also the land time forgot…everything is exactly as it was when I was 13.5) and remembering the evenings I spent there. You may be thinking…”Oh she remembers Mommy tucking her in at night and reading her bedtime stories.” Ah, yeah, no. This memory involves my Mother but in much more sinister way. It’s all about the little brown desk that I used for achieving straight A’s in school.
**Side Note…much like most things in my life the little brown desk let me down as I was in fact a straight C student.***
***Side Note 2…my Mother reads this blog so I’ll attempt to be gentle****
My Mother is a food hoarder! Was that gentle enough? I just had to get it out. Wondering where the little brown desk comes in? Good! So as I was saying, I would sit at this desk and try to do anything but study. On occasion I would have to reach into the top right hand drawer and look for a protractor or something. Much to my surprise…no protractor. However comma, there was a 10lb bag of M&M’s! What the hell?! Within moments of my discovery my Mother (wearing her green fat jacket…more to come on this later) would arrive promptly at my door. I swear she could hear that drawer open from any room in the house! She was on a mission. Before I could even see if we were dealing with Peanut or Plain, the bag was snatched away from me. I think she would say something like, “Don’t tell your father.” Oh I won’t tell Daddy Mother! It’s time to barter. This deal would require 50% ownership! That’s 5 lbs for you and 5 lbs for me.
Food hoarding wasn’t limited to my little brown desk. There were stashes everywhere. Don’t be fooled…that women knew what she put where and how much was there! If you ate a cookie, you found out real quick that she had a head count on the Oreo’s! That woman could have run “crack” for Little Debbie 24/7! Let’s see…some of her favorites…Heavenly Hash (put away about 2 gallons a week), Apple Fritters (at .50 a pop the supply was endless!) and of course the M&M’s. Why did she hide them? Well for starters she hid herself in the green jacket so why not hide the evidence that goes along with it? It was the ultimate cover up. She was always on a diet and torturing my Dad with the, “Do you think I’m fat” rhetoric. My Dad was supposed to think that she was on top of the fatty situation. Sorry Dad, the house was riddled with “drugs”! Had CPS known that my desk was a storage facility for her “stash” I may have been taken away. Perhaps my silence was responsible for a few pounds here and there and possibly the green jacket that over stayed it’s welcome but what did I care?! My house was every child’s dream. It was the ultimate scavenger hunt! With a little clever prospecting you’d strike gold! This was the beginning of fatness.
Being that science has never worked in my favor, Mother’s hoarding genes were passed on to me. I too “hide” food from my husband. However, I am a bit more clever about it. Instead of hiding the food I leave it out in the open. When approached I simply say, “I bought that for you.” Sometimes I even get a, “Thank you!” Then we he’s not looking I eat half of whatever is there and tell him some friends came over and ate it. He then yells and asks me to buy more. “Sure honey, anything for you!” Its pure genius is what it is. Am I the new age hoarder perhaps? Can’t be sure. I can tell you that I do not wrap myself in a green jacket. Nope! Much like my treats, everything is out in the open. I wear a thong to the beach and proudly show off the house the Krispy Kreme built. Nothing to hide…I’m fat and proud!
Before I leave you I should tell you that my Mother has since overcome her addiction to sugar and is now skinny. Real nice. When does that gene kick in?! Stay tuned….