Wednesday, February 24, 2010
“I can’t make this shit up” is wearing out it’s welcome on the SIF blog! I swear, every time I turn around my SIF are providing me with enough material to re-write War and Peace as “Too Fat to Be True!” Good work sistas! So there I was…working like the enslaved wife my husband always wanted , when my home page popped up a story about a woman who was saved by her fat. Quite frankly, I think all things technical are pre-programmed to secretly let you know “they are watching.” Like when I go to the grocery and buy a cart full of goodies only to be rewarded with register coupons for all things healthy. I don’t appreciate it and I don’t find it funny. Much like my homepage preparing me for random gang fire by beefing up my love handles, I wasn’t amused…that is until I read the article. What? Did you think I was going to let such a treasure slip through my sodium swollen fingers? I shant!
Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. I think the article was maybe 200 words, yet I felt like I was witnessing someone being hit by a train, head-on, one limb at a time and I couldn’t look away. I just stared at the computer in amazement. I’m not sure if it was the ghetto fabulousness of it all or the fact it was a true story that will legitimately keep this woman from ever losing a pound…ever. I only wish someone would shoot me in the fat, thus sparing my life so I would have a legitimate excuse to maintain my inappropriate relationship with Little Debbie. But good things like that never happen to me… and even if they did, the bullet would be lost forever offering no proof of the crime and no defense for the victim. So unfair.
So…I give you “Lecrecia”(names have been changed to protect the fat)…your average SIF who simply wanted to have her a little drinky poo at the local watering hole one Saturday morning. Note…I said “morning.” Hey, some like bacon some like booze…who am I to judge? As she walked into the bar, “BAM!” sista gets shot in the love handles! Bartender, make that a double! In true SIF form she didn’t feel a thing…until she reached down and discovered blood coming from her side. Knowing she wasn’t on her “menses” (for you mother), she wasn’t quite sure what to make of the Type A situation. If it wasn’t for those two pops she heard, she may not have even known her abdomen was equipped with handles. It’s par for the course being a SIF. She told the police (and I quote), “I could have been dead.” Yes, yes Lecrecia you could have. You also could have been thin… but you weren’t. Thus, your life was spared. Cree Cree credits her love handles with saving her life. Oh for the Love of God! Who says that? Do you honestly think if I was shot in the ass I’d run around telling the press “The junk in my trunk was responsible for saving my life?” Ahh yeah I would bcs I’m a publicity whore… but I wouldn’t be happy about it….
“Lecrecia” went on to say that she had been “Hollerin” about losing weight but now she wants to be as big as she can if it’s going to stop a bullet. Ughhum. Take a moment and process that, will you? There are so many layers of dysfunction…allow me to break them down:
A. Who “Holla’s” about losing weight. I prefer to whisper.
2. Who..at 350lbs…aspires to be as big as they can? Newsflash…you are already there.
B. Who thinks this is happening again? Apparently there is a hidden danger in Sat am drinking.
It’s all so…real. There is actually someone out there who drinks on Saturday mornings whilst getting shot… before her shot… and endorses fat as a first line of defense in the war against being in the wrong place at the wrong time. What’s next? Mary’s Muffin Top saves her from Mayhem? Perhaps. As the story goes…the shooting suspect is still at large and Cree Cree is still…you guessed it…livin large…and Hollerin I suspect.
***Sidebar*** I’m not a biter (ghetto for plagiarism) so if you feel like you want to read the story you can go to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/35545244/?gt1=43001 and see for yourself that I don’t make this stuff up. There’s even a picture to help you jump start that diet you’ve been putting off for fear of your life. Enjoy!