Fitness or Fatness

I’m back from my big “Bring your friend to Day” gig in DC. While there is no such official holiday, Susan and I like to make up holiday’s that are convenient to our own agendas. When we last “spoke” I was hiding between three man made walls while spying on Susan’s employees so as to have material for our lunch date. Lunch was CPK…I ordered pizza while good little egg Susan ordered salad. My pizza had lettuce and ranch on it. That’s my version of salad…with crust…or something. I managed to hog down the entire thing with my signature Diet Coke in hand…all while giving Susan my take on the slackers vs. the workers. Then, after my big day in Cubeville it was time for a nap and then on to the Fitness Party. I needed to rest before presenting the anti-fat agenda to the crowd…which consisted of random employees of Susan’s. Ahhh…there’s nothing like being a boss and inadvertently forcing your employees to attend stupid parties bcs they live in fear of you. Good times!

Is it wrong to have beer, liquor and sandwiches at a Fitness Party? Not if you want people to come! You see in theory everyone wants to be “into” fitness as long as it means they can eat more! As close as two days before the party we were low on RSVP’s. We made an Executive Decision and sent out an emergency email that went something like this: There will in fact be no working out…and we’ll have lots of Booze!Amazingly…the RSVP’s came rolling in. Needless to say the Fitness portion lasted about 20 minutes and the drinking portion lasted until midnight! I wore all black so as to confuse people. I have a theory about my body….everything is in the right place….there’s just too much of it. Much like my plate I fear. I threw in alot of references to me exercising. When you say that you’ve run 50 miles, no one cares if you shop at Lane Bryant. Which I don’t by the way but I am working on that. They have the cutest clothes. It’s how the fatties revolt. They open cute clothing stores that the skinny chicks aren’t allowed to shop at. Revenge at it’s finest…I’ll see your Forever 21 with Forever 2X! Needless to say the hostesses put away about 400 beers and I think maybe a shot. The highlight of the evening came in the form of this creature named Fitzy. Allegedly a client of Craig the trainer, we were confused as to whether he was in fact human or animal. He drank alot, had entire conversations in the bathroom and clearly settled for his hand after being turned down by every woman at the party. He was HIGHLY entertaining.

After fearing that all of the “cool people” had left, I started binging on chips. If they weren’t going to buy anything, the remaining few might as well know that I was a sham! I prefer Closet Eater. I was counting on the fact that they were drunk and wouldn’t remember details…like me dunking my head in the ranch dressing. My favorite person left at the party (aside from Fitzy) was Kim. She looked like your average housewife. Not so much. She was in fact the shocker of the evening! She sat on the couch looking like she could possibly break out a knitting needle at any time. Instead of knitting she threw out topics like sex and offered to find us all new husbands if our current ones were lacking! Loved her! After Fitzy and Craig left it was Susan, myself, alot of empty beer bottles and a table of fitness products. Downright shameful.

I left Susan’s in the morning and headed to Virginia. I was off to present Fitness to the running club. Unlike the drinkie social types in MD, the VA crowd would have expectations. Luckily they meet in a pizza pub so my eating disorder would remained camouflaged in a table of hungry runners. True to form I downed 3 glasses of wine while telling everyone they were slackers. Mind you these people run about 100 miles a week. They all smiled and looked at me like most people do…very confused. I met up with my old running pal Ernie. He and I decided to do a run in the morning. He’s the sweetest southern man you would ever want to meet. Oh and he has a smokin bod for an older guy. That’s not why I ran with him…I just happen to know this bit of information. We ran around Burke Lake and it was great! Poor Ernie is bald and the weather was such that his head was steaming. So was my ass from all of the drinking but lucky for both of us I was able to conceal the bomb if you know what I mean. Then in a sad sort of way it was time for fatty to go back home. I enjoy road trips bcs I get to go through drive-thrus. Fries, fries and more fries. I think I may have even grossed myself out. But I am back now and fully prepared to torture you with my issues. Issue #1…new diet scheme.