Thursday, August 28, 2008
So much to talk about today. First and foremost….breaking news. The “powder” is a scam. Shocking, I know right? Mother sent me a link to Consumer Reports and they debunked the solution to all of my madness. So that means I had to call and cancel my order. When the order taker person picked up on my call, she sounded as disappointed as I was. She asked me if I had tried Sensa. Well that’s think about that. I’m calling you to cancel an order that hasn’t been shipped. You do the math. I gave her no reason other than, “I changed my mind.” She didn’t press me and it was a good thing. I may have gone crazy on her. Thinking you can fool a fatty. Shame on you. I have a fat network that spans the globe. My people let me know when I’m at risk of a fat attack. Thas right.
So I did what any true SIF would do, I began researching new drugs. Mostly bcs the Consumer Reports page said, “Click here for the good stuff,” or something to that effect. I began looking at drug after drug that could potentially cure the ills that live deep within me. Hoodia…pure Hoodia seemed to be the answer. But…when I clicked on the click that led to the click…someone had debunked that too. I did happen upon one person who shares my love of Ephedra. For those of you who thought I was crazy….meet my twin:
sirenofstyx: Can’t I get Ephedra anywhere anymore? Nothing gives me a rush like that stuff did. I swear. I don’t care about the side effects of it, and I don’t need to cut back on calories. I just need to get myself pumped up that’s all.
I think I smell a SIF out there! That stuff is the jam. It be callin me! So the short answer to my problem is to stop eating. Short answer… not a viable answer. I did have a true SIF moment today. These moments are priceless. So it’s pouring rain here and everyone in the free world goes out to lunch when it’s raining. And you call me an emotional eater?!
I pulled into the parking lot of one of my favorite restaurants. I was stopped in my tracks by (someone I actually knew…scandal) a car waiting to pull into a parking spot. The spot she was waiting on was being vacated by a man that mastered the 56 point turn. It literally took 4 hours for him to leave. By this point I’m not only hungry but anxious! So I grabbed a spot on the other side of the building. Little did she know I had a plan. I would race her to the door, sneak in from the side and get seated before her! The place was packed…I needed a game plan. As I exited the vehicle I saw her car door open. Game on. I ran through the bar, almost slipped on the wet floor and greeted the hostess exactly 2.3 seconds before her. The hostess asked, “Two for lunch?” How dare she think we were together?! I just beat this hussy through the parking lot, in the rain and across the bar. At least acknowledge my victory! I kindly said, “Table for two but we aren’t together.” She said, “I only have one table left, in the corner.” “I’ll take it!” I smiled in the face of my opponent and told her to have a nice lunch. That’s what you call winning with dignity.
I would have appreciated a little more deference to my winning status however I failed to remember that “normal” people don’t think like this. They could never imagine that someone would be able to pull off such an elaborate scheme all while they are shoveling food into their face. Dummies. My friend Emily was in the car on her cell phone while all of this went down. Not even an audience. Sister can’t catch a break. So I sat at the victory table alone waiting for Emily so that we could have a good laugh. I had my infamous “That’ll teach ya” look on my face. Don’t mess with the fatties. We are “on” 24/7, ready to pounce on any opportunity to get better food faster than the average Joe. I don’t like to brag but I’m 2 and 0 this season. Don’t suppose the IOC will be calling me up to compete in London. They should. I can take on anyone. Fatty or not. That’s how I roles. Well it’s time for me to get off of my ego trip and play mortgage again. Until next time, take a lesson from my teachings….it’s perfectly ok to run for your food. No one really knows that what you are doing. Especially when the weather cooperates.