Thursday, August 21, 2008
Ahh… fresh off a trip from Taco Bell AND Dairy Queen I am left to wonder if there’s any hope for me! I would almost be better off snorting coke. While more expensive I would clearly weigh less and have more energy. I’ll have to stack that up against my current program and see how it all plays out. All things being equal, the similarities are shocking. Let’s take tonight for example… the husband drags me out of the house braless in my pj’s for a DQ run. He’s an enabler. I agree to go as long as I can stay in the car and not be seen. He plays the role of drug runner while I provide payment for said goods. Time for a random bad memory…It happened on a late night DQ run. I was alone. I went through the drive-thru. I got a banana cream pie Blizzard. I left said drive-thru unnoticed. Aforementioned banana cream pie Blizzard pie crust chunk got caught in throat. I remember my first and possibly last thought, “I can’t go down like this.” Imagine my funeral. “She died doing what she loved…sneaky binge eating!” My friends would all tell stories of trying to save me from myself…all while laughing.Nobody should have to die choking on fake pie crust smashed up in bad ice cream from the DQ while their alleged friends laugh in the face of death! Did that stop me? I think not…
Yes I think dying on a street corner strung out from a bad hit would be much more dignified. At least people feel sorry for you when your habit resides on the other side of the law. We assume prostitutes must have been molested as children, murders must have…been married and drug addicts must…be married. What do we assume about over eaters? They are big fat slobs with no self control! While accurate, not exactly what one might want in the way of a Hallmark card. Foodies can’t call up friends for advice before they down 8 Ho-Ho’s. But give a quit shout out before you hit the pipe and it’s an all out intervention! Maybe instead of going the route of Foodie turned Druggie, I’ll start an Eaters Anonymous for closet over eaters! Yeah that’s what I’ll do. I’ll hang out in the dark at random drive-thru’s waiting for closet fatties to roll up. I can spot em a mile away. They are alone yet they order enough for 2 or 3, they don’t appear to be “fat”, they usually have a pretty face, they don’t need any time before placing their order and they listen attentively for what I call the “free calories…” they wait for the drive-thru person to forget to ask them if they want a drink and they can cash in on a free Pepsi! Normally, if thirsty, they would come right out and order a diet soda to wash down the fat. However, given the momentous occasion of cashing in on a free beverage…well that calls for the real stuff! It’s just sick!
As you can see, I am very good at diverting attention away from the fact that I ate out exactly 3x today and none of those outings involved the words grilled, steamed or broiled. If forced to replace those words with more accurate portrayals of the truth, one might say….fried, dipped and battered. I think I may puke. Besides, I’ve been back from DQ for 30 minutes so I think it’s safe to take a “make me not remember this pill” and go to bed. Fatties need their rest. Let’s hope tomorrow will bring a new me. That usually works until the magic hour….FGLH! High Noon Behatches! I live one more day to eat more than I imagined I could, worse than I imagined possible and just enough to keep you reading! This fatty is out!