October 2008
No, I did not have a baby. While I have in fact been accused of harboring a small child in my gut, this particular baby belongs to Tricia! She gave birth to a bouncing baby girl named MaKenna on 10/16. Very exciting! Of course that means I lose out on a free pedicure bcs I bet her that it was a boy. Let’s face it…what makes you eat, stress out, retain water and generally angry…a man. Not a sweet baby girl. Tricia ended up having a C-section. Let’s see…hours of painful labor that could result in an evil Dr. cutting my hoo hoo like a loaf of bread OR good drugs and out comes a baby sans cone head. Sold! Not to mention…you get two extra weeks of leave for going under the knife. Ghetto bonus. There’s one thing every SIF counts on after after a delivery…weight loss. Even if you don’t lose all of the weight…you lose the demon seed weight right away. That’s 5-10lbs depending on the size of the critter! The last delivery I made was to the porcelain patio. I don’t think I lost that much weight as a result of the said delivery. I tried weighing myself before and after. The scale read as follows…” Gross.” Whatever. I don’t do metrics.
For a brief moment it sounded like a good plan. I would trick my husband into having sex with me (that’s the only hope I have of getting some), steal the seed, eat everything I wanted for 9 months (or forever..haven’t worked that out yet) and then lose all of the weight in one glorious push! Reality set in. I realized something about that plan seemed too easy. Here’s how it would roll out in my world: I would get a bad seed, gain 400 lbs, the baby would be a “tranny” and in the rarest of rare I would be the one mother known to have mutated her genes during childbirth resulting in the inability to lose weight…ever. That’s the kinda shit that happens to me. So I decided to stay on the sidelines as a spectator fatty. Now I have my work cut out for me. I’ve been gaining sympathy weight throughout Tricia’s pregnancy. Or maybe that was just the excuse I was going with bcs I knew it was good for 9 months. Now it’s on! Tricia has an unfair advantage when it comes to losing weight…breast feeding. That’s 500 calories a day! I can squeeze my saline sacks for months and not get those kind results! I’ll need a real plan to keep up with her. I’m sure it will involve me giving up stuff. Why? Why is that always the plan?
As I mentioned in my previous posts, Tricia was kind enough to let me in on her pregnancy weight as she tipped the scale into SIF territory. It makes fatties feel better when new people come to town. Yes, I realize she was pregnant and shamefully the fatties are not. We are Equal Opportunity Fatties. You can move in and move out as needed…we aint mad at ya! So now I have one less excuse to be “me.” However…it is comfort season (cold weather, football, crock pots, holidays) and that throws a serious wrench in any sort of real weight loss agenda. I guess I’ll go with the pregnancy plan. I can see it now…me on Oprah…not as a famous writer…but as me. My intro would go something like this: “Today we welcome a very special guest. The mother is a morbidly obese woman who gave birth to tranny twins while shopping at Walmart. Since having the babies she has tripled in size and now requires a crane to lift her from her bed on the rare occasions she’s able to go outside. Before today she hadn’t been outside in 3 years. Here’s Kelly, her twins Little Debbie & Capn’ Crunch and the 90 year greeter from Walmart that delivered them.” — be on the lookout for me!