Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Well today brought about a very difficult decision for me. No I didn’t divorce my husband. I laid the aforementioned 80’s birthday cake to rest. Very sad. The only thing that remained was a tiny “L” shaped corner with a few random pieces of confetti stuck to the butter cream icing. I could have saved it and eaten the rest later but the novelty has worn off. Much like the novelty of marriage wears off. You still love the husband and the cake but they have more than worn out their welcome. The husband made out better than the cake which is currently swimming amongst coffee grounds in the bottom of my trash can. Where’s the justice?
I decided to drown my sorrows over lunch with some friends. It started off with a big score…rock star parking! I was so close to the door that I could have hooked a tray to the window and placed my order. I use to love going to A&W for that very reason. You sit in the car, they hook a tray to your window, you order everything from the comfort of your car and some chick on skates rolls it right up to your mouth. Very civilized. That wasn’t the case today. I actually had to remove my fat ass from the car, reach out and open the door. Man, the things I do for food. Then the real kicker, they only have healthy food. Who picked this place…person who’s name rhymes with Kemily! My Diet Coke came in a bottle (unacceptable as I like tons of refills) and no fries. Ok you can pay extra for fries but 1. That’s just embarrassing…trading healthy for fat and 2. They are glorified McCain waffle fries. I think not! If I’m going to walk the fatty road of shame those puppies better be the real thing. So I did what’s been done to me on numerous occasions, I ordered healthy and stole fries from others. Score….SIF 1….others: 0
I should mention that I swallowed about 50 diet pills before I ate. They claim to help you lose weight 30% faster. I can’t be sure how but does it really matter? 30% is way more than I’m willing to give! I think you are suppose to take 2 with your meal but I did some SIF math and figured out a way to make them 100% faster…I took 3.5. That’s about as close to 100 as my elementary math gets me. That little stunt got me something else…a trip to the porcelain patio! Gheez! My hope is that everything I ate came out in the end. My fear is that I poisoned myself and my body revolted! Either way I was hungry again like 10 minutes later. The only thing in reaching distance was a powerbar. Fine. It’s all about relative location now isn’t it? Tonight I’m having dinner with some friends. Notice there is little to no reference involving me, a kitchen and actual cooking. That’s how I like it. Fatties going out on the town.
So while I mourn the passing of the tacky 80’s cake, have no fear… I will replace it with another sugary confection of my choosing. Do I just randomly keep cakes, pies and whatnot in my home? Of course not! Only for holidays and special occasions. After all it is Rosh Hashanah! Am I Jewish? In spirit of course! L’Chia’um! I can’t back that up…