Friday, October 10, 2008
I just finished eating a Zone Bar. I’m not sure what Zone but I can’t imagine it was from the Comfort Zone as it was kin to apple flavored cardboard. Who eats this crap? Here’s the thing….I’m trying to be “normal.” While I don’t fully understand the job description, I am willing to accept my new position on a temporary basis. If things go as planned, I’ll be a “no show” by Monday, living amongst the fatties in the Comfort Zone. Let’s face it, things aren’t so bad in the land of fried chicken and Ho Ho’s. My first big outing as a normal person was FGLH. You can imagine the angst. Much to my own amazement, I followed the rules and ordered seared Mahi Mahi with beans and rice. Very civilized and quite tasty. Here in lies the problem….I was hungry exactly 12 minutes after leaving the restaurant! As if the healthy meal wasn’t bad enough, I’ve been downing the Slimming Formula that I pedal by night (www.imreadytogetfit.com). I think that makes me a moonlighter but I’m willing to risk it. It’s an all out push to the top just in case I like it here. So picture this….fat girl ordering said healthy meal downs drugs exactly 2 minutes prior to consumption while dreaming of fries and slurping Diet Coke. It’s not a pretty picture.
Here’s the crazy thing…drugs are legal in my new position. In fact, the normal people encourage them in an attempt to get you through the day. Translation…they cover their cravings with diet drugs while smiling and pretending to like the Normal Zone. Whatever. I’ve been in this position less than 2 hours and I have these people all figured out. Just like most minions…my level of intelligence has far surpassed the man at the top. I’ll be running the Normal Zone by Tuesday…that’s if I change my mind about “no show” Monday. If I do come back….fried chicken for everyone! Employee retention…a problem no more! Anyway, the not so filling lunch led to the Zone Bar which in turn led to anger. I decided to take advantage of another staple of the normal crowd….therapy. I tuned into an interview with Dr. Kieth Abalow to see what he knew. Apparently not so much as his TV show was cancelled a while back. I like the “down on their luck crowd” so I listened for anything I could use to get me through to quitting time. Prepare for greatness…or not. He said the following…”That which you run from will appear in front of you.” Snap! Problem solved! Fries, candy bars and Helluva Good Dip should be arriving at any moment! I can get into this kind of running!
I waited, and waited, and waited but that which I was running from did not in fact appear in front of me, behind me or beside me. The only thing that made an appearance was a very loud growl from my stomach. Now I see why he was cancelled. He lies…he’s a liar. I suppose it could have been worse as I am typically running from more than one venue. Perhaps ex-boyfriends, previous employers or my dentist will make an appearance. I’d prefer food but I am low on entertainment right about now so anything will do. Not to be whatever but if “they” don’t fire me from my new position, I’m going to have to take an early retirement. That’s what temps do…we come in and out of retirement for the right opportunities. The Normal Zone appears to be just another place that miserable fatties hide… under the cover of peer pressure. That’s not any healthier than the fried chicken and Ho Ho’s we serve up over in the Comfort Zone! At least we are happy people. We may have greasy lips and big thighs but the turnover is low and the benefits are good! I haven’t made my decision on “no show” Monday but I’m leaning in the other direction. That could be gravity…can’t be sure.