Making Sense….

Just when I think I am running low on material for the blog, I manage to stumble upon someone or something that makes me stop eating long enough to take notice. That’s no small feat. I’m known for watching FIT TV while consuming Taco Bell…I aint no rookie. So the husband was watching one of those dumb science shows the other night. If ever I needed a reason to binge eat, I certainly found it via the Science Channel! I don’t really care to see the latest discoveries unless they directly benefit me. Allow me to elaborate: “Chocolate covered multi-vitamins”, “Brad Pitt flavored Popsicles”, the “do it himself husband”…just to name a few. But they never talk about cool stuff like that. They go on and on about a robot that vacuums (I think they call her “a woman!”) and how they can grow appendages. I got news for you…I can grow appendages! Me and Little Debbie figured that one out years ago… Einstein! I can go from no ass to ghetto bootie in 30 days…yet the Science Channel has yet to ring me. Interesting how the fatties are shunned by the left brain community. Fatscrimination is what it is.

If I actually sit through an entire hour of the Science Channel, I do so for one reason and one reason only. The very reason I do everything as it relates to my husband…sex. While I am typically left holding an empty bag of Doritos and a rabbit, a girl can hope for change now can’t she? However, this one night they did a bit on something that actually caught my attention. Apparently there are these people who senses are all jacked up. They hear in color. So if I say something like “Excuse me, are you going to eat that?”they see a big fat ribbon of colors. I assume fat translates across the senses anyway. To make matters worse (hold onto your ho-ho’s), there are even people who hear in taste! If ever there was an affliction that had my name written all over it…this was it! For years I just knew I’d get AIDS or Cancer or worse yet…Cankles. Never did I dream of a genetic disorder that would allow me to taste words! Let’s face it…words are the only thing on the menu I haven’t tried! Being that I was born to the “Heavenly Hash Queen,” it seemed I was a perfect candidate for this mutation! No such luck. The man being profiled said that when spoken to, he gets certain tastes in his mouth. He claimed the interviewer tasted like pineapple. I found that statement a bit racy for cable but I assumed he was speaking of her voice. I wondered what I would taste like. Grizzle. Clearly. I just couldn’t imagine walking around all day tasting different flavors every time someone spoke to me. I guess it wouldn’t be much different than my current daily routine… imagining what I’m going to eat every second of the day! Tasting it would just be a bonus! Mmmm.

I was only a few days into recovering from watching the Science Channel, getting no sex and realizing that I would never taste words when the left brainers bitch slapped me a second time. I was watching the news and praying for the announcement that my Asian pal Phen-Fen would be allowed back into the country, when they announced what was sure to be a blow to the fatty community….a tree that smells like chocolate chip cookies. Wonderful. Who da thunk Mother Nature to be a SIF? Perhaps this was her way of bringing the universe full circle. What better way to get the fatties to walk off some calories…why we’ll line the woods with trees that smell like chocolate chip cookies! She’s good! So if you happen to be out on a lonely trail in the woods and come across a large woman licking bark, you have your answer!