Sunday, November 20, 2011
Why the fuck is everyone so crazy? Yes Mother, I opened with fuck. I’m bringing it back…it’s been too long. 1 blog and 7 years ago. It’s Constitutional madness. Vegas has better odds. Random madness take 2. So the diet pills are out and fuck is in. *Random sign of the cross* So going to hell. Clearly even God given talents need monitoring. Do you ever sit back and think, “Why can’t everyone be more like me?” Right…bcs your crazy and the world needs a little more of your kind. Do us a favor…stop thinking all together. Crazy is underrated in my book. If everyone would just admit they’re insane we might be able to bottle it and sell it to the less fortunate. Where am I going with this? I have no idea. I’m sitting outside in a zero gravity chair (bcs that’s what you do when your ass is too big for the standard spring chair) just contemplating madness. It’s a nice day. What else do I have to do. Eat? Already did that. Mama don’t miss a meal.
So the other day a friend of mines came to me with a “back in the day story” about her grandmother’s pregnancy struggles. I can relate…I struggle for sex…the difference being I pray for sex not resulting in anything under 2 feet tall calling me Mommy. Anytime I hear a “back in the days story” it reminds of a time when a SIF didn’t have to work and men did crazy things like open doors and respect women. Like 1776 or something. Normally I wouldn’t even entertain any sort of pregnancy talk. It makes my ovaries hurt. I “get” there’s no threat of me actually getting pregnant from talking about it. Besides, I’m almost 40… my eggs are now officially egg beaters. It’s a shame they had to rot in the carton and then morph into something healthy. Goes against everything I stand for. When I hear the word pregnancy it reminds me, once again, someone else is getting laid, going the extra mile AND hitting the target. Is it wrong to pray for well endowed man with a bad aim? I think not. Random madness take 3. So the story goes Grandma had trouble with fluid retention. The Dr’s solution…she wasn’t allowed to eat anything that began with the letter “P.” You know I was all over this right? New diet craze…”SIF says lose 100lbs in 5 minutes… simply stop eating anything beginning with the letter “P.” I started mentally mulling over what this would mean to my daily life…no poop- not into that anyway, no potato chips- tortilla chips work, no pickles- I’ll just eat cucumbers, no pizza-da da dum…LAIDES & GENTLEMEN WE HAVE A DEAL BREAKA! DIET OFFICIALLY OVA!
Being I’m more of a “glass half full” (completely full actually…flowing over…preferably with anything starting with the letter “W”- wine, whiskey, dick…oh wait that’s a D…Wanker- problem solved..) kinda girl I decided to switch it up and focus on what I could eat. French Fries, Beer, Frito’s, Beer, Helluva Good dip, Beer, Queso, Beer, Nachos, Beer, Mozzarella sticks, Beer, Guacamole, Beer. I shall call it the “Bar Lovers Diet.” And no royalties to Grandma thank you very much. She’s had the last 400 years to spin this shit into a money making scam. Capitalism Grandma. Do it. Think about it…Grandmas Dr. was well ahead of his time. He was targeting the #1 thing we fatties struggle with every day…water weight. I suspect it’s more pizza and Rocky Road weight but I’m willing to deal in theory. Imagine…buried just under the pliable coating we call “skin” lives pounds of fluid begging you to break up with the letter P! Purge sisters! P! It’s all about the P! Even Dr. Oz would agree… I’m a freakin genius! Or crazy as it were. Random madness take 4. If my theory is correct…fatties will be stampeding sports bars across the country in the name of water weight! I’ll go one step further…lose weight whilst watching your wallet. Think about it…where does the good “Non P” food appear on the menu…. appetizers! Appetizers = cheap! Cheap & Sexy? Ok so it sounds a bit like a bad date that ends well. Work with me here.
Possible down sides? I came up with a one or two. Nothing major. Clogged arteries, heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke and…. gas. I was ok until the gas part. I’m newly single. I think the average man would be willing to give me CPR, rush me to the hospital or tie off an artery (I am kinda hot like that)…as long as I wasn’t farting. It’s a deal breaker. How to purge gas and water in the same bite. If I have any wanna be science like fatties out there with a solution…love to hear it. And don’t send me emails entitled “Gas X.” I’m not amused. If there’s no good answer we shall do what everyone else does….put it in small print and hope the fatties are too hungry to read it. *warning use of the “Bar Food Diet” could be dangerous to your health. when we say “could be”..we mean it. consuming foods high in fat along with beer could result in high cholesterol, extreme pleasure, death, extreme pleasure and possible loss of sexual opportunities due to flatulence. If for any reason you do not see immediate results on the “Bar Food Diet” go directly to a full length mirror, take a long hard look and blame the person staring back. * Something like that. I couldn’t find small blog font. I am a writer. Don’t be judgey. You know you are on your way to the bar as we speak. Warnings be damned!
“The Bar Food Diet”- make it happen in a pub near you. Random madness take 5.