Friday, October 3, 2008
Last night I had a strange craving for McDonald’s. Unusual only because I had just eaten there the night before. I like to think that I am equal opportunity craver. Apparently not. I can only assume that my body was still celebrating the overthrowing of the chili from the previous night and wanted to go back for a victory lap. By the way, I didn’t hear a peep from Tara after I posted the blog. I assumed she had read it and disowned me accordingly. Not the case. It seems she was busy and hadn’t yet gotten around to reading it. I conveniently walked the dog by her house in order to have the privilege of watching her read about the coup in person. The shock factor was worth it’s weight in burgers. SIF 1….Tara 0. I knew there would be retaliation, but I wasn’t prepared for it to begin on my turf…24 hours later.
Before I get to the pay back, I must tell you how rude the little drive thru man at McDonald’s was. Now I know he must hate his job… and wearing that nasty brown shirt with his name on it had to be enough to make him postal BUT…he took mad to another level. He was the condescending mad male drive thru person. Not my favorite among the mad genre. When I placed my order I was told to produce $5.73 at the first window. When I arrived at window #1…no one. I was willing to overlook the “no show” as I could smell the fries waffling through the parking lot. I pulled up to window #2 prepared with exact change. I handed angry, brown shirt condescending man the money. He looked at it and handed it back. He proceeded to tell me that $5.73 doesn’t equal $6.14. Really? His keen math skills were surely responsible for landing him the management job at the drive thru window. That’s what the brown shirt signifies…management. I know this. I got mad skills. So anyway, I told him that on this we could agree however, the chick who took my order said $5.73. He proceeded to tell me that they don’t have any value meals that are that cheap. I’m sorry…that cheap? As he was schooling me on the pricing for every combination on the menu, I realized this was my punishment for being fat. I handed him $6.14 to shut him up. He gave me my bag full of goodies sans straw. When I asked for the straw he told me it was in the bag. I assured him there wasn’t a straw in the bag. He assured me that he always puts a straw in the bag. I decided to call in the big guns and come at him with my own brown shirt skills. I picked up the bag, smiled, showed him the contents and said: “While I’m sure your record for straw stuffing is impeccable, you have surely tarnished it with this transaction…see no straw!” He handed me a straw with a look that said, “I know it must be in your car somewhere you evil, redheaded, overweight fast food eater. ” That’s me. Have a nice night.
It’s now Friday and lunchtime. Emily and I decided we needed a little Mexican. Not “a” Mexican, Mexican food. We’ve eaten it every day this week and we didn’t want to break the streak. We had our usual: chips, queso, salsa, guacamole and vegetarian combo #3. Muy Bien. I should mention that my neighbor owns the joint. Not that that’s ever gotten me a free meal or a discount for that matter. I have to look at his pink house every day and not even a free cerveza. Whatever. About an hour after we left the restaurant my phone rang. It was the chili cook…Tara. She proceeded to tell me that she knew where I ate today and what I ate. Yeah and? Apparently she went to the Mexican joint after we did and my neighbor spilled the frijoles. He told her that I was just in for lunch and how great I looked after losing all the weight. Let’s stop right there. I know I didn’t pay him to lie and he doesn’t wear glasses so he surely must have mistaken me for someone else! A. I’ve gained back about 10 of the pounds I lost. B. No one ever thought I looked that bad (I thought) and C. I’m on a strict don’t ask don’t tell policy with all the restaurants in town! So Tara (in an attempt to outwit me) proceeded to ask him what I ordered. Good move…I’ll give her that. He told her Vegetarian Combo #3. Tara was excited by the news. She thought, “At least she ate healthy.” Yeah, and I’m a blonde too! The word “Vegetarian” made it seem as though I had jumped over to the other side. What’s next, vinegar shots?
I wanted to let her have her moment…but that’s not my style. I “put on my brown shirt” and delivered the bad news in much the same way the belligerent McDonald’s guy had done the previous night: “While I’m sure you think the VC #3 was a good thing, it wasn’t. It’s beans, cheese and basically grease smothered on a tortilla. Just no meat. Carne’ less if you will. (Spanish) Oh and he left off the appetizer: the guacamole, the queso and the salsa although I suppose salsa plays for your team.” Translation…I may have handed you a straw but the one I gave you is sitting on the car floor! I’ll give her a point for keen interrogation skills but I’m taking away 1/2 a point for preying on the non-English speaking man who was only trying to call me skinny. Who by the way I will be having a talk with. Don’t be tellin people what I eat! You never saw me hombre! Yo no se! Que? Rosita Moreno don’t live here anymore! I plan to make the following deal with my neighbor: You get to keep your pink house pink AND your mouth shut! Are we are “good.” I think that’s fair. As for the score board: SIF 1…Tara 1/2. You could have earned extra points for digging a little deeper into Combo #3 but once again you placed your trust in a fatty….big mistake!!