Monday, November 3, 2008
Just as I got rolling on the crack, sickness struck. It’s like the Fatty Devil wants to keep me down. I went to the good doc to have my vitals checked and he informed me that the crack was making my blood pressure a little high….and?! Did I mention I could barely talk and happened to be coughing up a lung at the time. So I added a Z-Pack to my shopping list. I made the executive decision to go off the crack to let my body heal. What I thought would be a short detox is taking forever! I’ve now moved on to coughing like a veteran chain smoker. I proceeded to cough my way through lunch today. People were looking at me like I was a Leper. These are the times when I like to have a little fun. As I “felt” people staring I said things like, “Yeah so the test was positive…highly contagious….no cure.” That followed by a few belly coughs ensured the best table in the restaurant. Funny, no one wanted to share an appetizer.
Life sans crack is laced with jelly donuts and cream cheese. Somehow my blood pressure failed in comparison to narrowing arteries! I don’t know what the hell the crack does but I know one thing for sure…it divorces me from food without one minute of separation! Fair…very fair! I was told I could take the crack with the antibiotics but unbeknownst to my Dr…my body is under siege! Here are the current battles in progress: Upper respiratory infection, period, yeast infection and fat infusion. Conquering the first 3 will lead me to my final victory against the fat infusion. I will say that I haven’t been as hungry with all of the germs invading my body. We know how much a SIF enjoys a good stomach flu when it works in our favor. That being said, I may have just eaten a jelly donut and a peanut butter bar. Or maybe that was my other personality. Can’t be sure. Why would I have these things in the house? Why my husband of course. Why would I have him in the house. I just don’t have an answer for that.
So I think next week will be my target date to get back on the crack. Perfect timing. It will be just in time to make me a “non-eater” for Thanksgiving. I am currently known for my second and third helpings. For once it will be nice to be known as “she barely ate.” It will send shock waves through the family but they need some shock. Now that the time has changed I find myself sick, fat, tired and in my pj’s by 6 pm. I just swallowed a vat of cough serum to ensure I sleep away any memories of the jelly donut and the peanut butter bar. All I have left of my my tryst is a good burp. I’m off to bed to dream of crack and skinny jeans. In that order.