That’s me. You should know by now I like to get one over whenever possible. I believe the term is “working smarter.” Why go the extra mile when you can call an Uber. It’s a shame this country isn’t run by frugal fatties such as myself. Who needs “DOGE” when you have…”BAGELS?”- Big Ass Girls Eating Lots of Shit! It’s the shit eaters who know how to get stuff done in a crisis. Take March for example. Seems like an ordinary month to most. The “BAGELS” know better. Almost baking season…AMBER alert for Feral Fatties around the globe! Less than 3 months until skin baring & sun whoring is upon us. Is anyone doing anything about it? Hell no! Well, that’s not exactly true. I’ve been working on a little something since around Thanksgiving. It takes me a minute to navigate fat waters during socially acceptable eating holidays, but I manage. Here’s what I came up with…GLP1. The nuclear bomb of weight loss. Was I asked to be on anyone’s cabinet? Negative. That’s ok. There’s work to done here…
Just when I think I’ve exhausted all options for “New Me,” the pharmaceutical Gods come out with something that won’t make me grow a third eye (so far), allows me to drink my wine on the reg AND lose weight. A shortcut on the path to Skinny Ville! I must say I was hesitant at first. It’s less than ideal when the influencers peddling this crack are walking around with bobble heads and chicken legs. I’ll take fat over that any day…mmmkkkay. It’s essential to keep a few “hours” in the glass. “Days of our Lives” fans everywhere ( back when Stefano was alive, then dead and then alive) can hear a slight jingle of the opening tune playing in their head…. You’re welcome. On that note… are you aware butts are in?! Who knew they’d make a comeback?! Mother, that’s who. She always says to keep everything bcs it comes back eventually. I wasn’t aware body parts made the cut but okay Mother…touché. My ass has never quite left the building but I’m glad to know I won’t need to evict it under the new regime. But I need to know…WHY are asses in?! I see girls everywhere squatting their twats off in hopes of a big butt. Tiny girls with GIANT asses! Please explain this me? Guys… is this a thing? You want big asses now? Are tits out or is this a BOGO thing? It’s all so confusing. Are we all Kardashians at heart? What the actual fuck is going on? Rant over. So how do I not look like a Bobble Head with a big ass? Verging…
If you aren’t a fan of needles, it’s best you stay fat. My bathroom cabinet looks like Pookie from New Jack City moved in. Crack needles errrrrywhere! “They” say not to throw your needles in the trash. Um why? Someone might get stabbed and lose a few pounds? Winning. Why are Dr’s peddling this shit like crack? I’ll tell you why…Monnnnnnaay! It’s Bitcoin mined by Bobble Heads around the globe! Keep mining mother fuckers! You can literally go online, Facetime with some rando “MD” who asks you 2 questions: “What do you want and what’s your address?” Very “Streetcorneresque” without the late night trips to the hood. $500 a month later you are shootin’ your way to a new you! It’s genius! Until you think it’s a good plan to not eat, not workout and just let the “crack” work its magic. That’ll buy ya a bobble head and a fat ass assuming you commit to squatting your twat off. What happens when you stop shooting up? Very responsible question. If I knew of anyone who’d actually stopped, I might could (southern verb) answer that for you. All my friends are addicts….Has the makings of a good country song. I digress…You see that’s sort of Tomfuckery of it….once you stop, your inner fatter reappears. I tried to tell you aint no killin’ that bitch. You may silence her long enough to shed a few but she is “stem cell level” stealthy okkkkkaaay. Say that 10 times. Please don’t….
What options do we have here? Self-control? I jest. Weight Watchers? The only points I’m interested in are the ones made above…shoot to lose. Exercise? It’s been proven you can out eat exercise. Next. Fasting? Already do that while I sleep. As you can see, if not for scientific advancement, I’d be a prisoner to my BMI until it was time to RIP. While I love a good acronym as much as the next fatty, I’d like to solve this problem expeditiously. Here’s the issue….no one wants to admit they are “on it.” Um ok “Karen.” I saw you at the office party …what… 2 minutes ago… and you were pushin’ a Lane Bryant sequin number to it’s limits while your sausages could barely breath in the casings played off as pumps. Set em’ free Hooka! Fast forward one month and I’m bumping into you at Forever 41? I call Bullllllshit girl! We all goin’ to the same dealer. No need to try and hide it. You should know there’s some level of “Fat shaming” behind all of this. Once “they” are on to you, you get “the look.”” Oh you takin the easy way out…you couldn’t lose it on your own so you are taking a drug that…blah blah blah.” Haters gonna hate mmmmmkay. List’en…you either gonna judge us cause we chubby or judge us cause we look better than you. Settle down “Judy.” We always looked better than you…yes, I said it. When I approach “my people” I do so cautiously. I advise the following….”Wow girl you look amazing! What’s your secret?” Here’s the important part…don’t let the pause linger too long. Before they form an Academy Award winning lie it’s best to interrupt with something like… “I’ve been wanting to try that GLP1 stuff but I’m just not sure.” Hello Ice Breaka! The body language will quickly shift in your favor. Before you know it, you’ll have access to the secret crack stores where the streets are lined with gold, ponies run free and GLP1 is dripping from the ceiling. In the words of one of my favorite 80’s bands…Lick it up! Listen closely for intel and take copious notes…where to go, what to say …MINING Bitches!
If you’re like me and your inner fatty is somewhat larger than your outer fatty you will need to adjust a few numbers prior to submitting your application to the dealer. The noneating crowd need not apply. That means you Skinnagers (please cross reference blog circa 2011ish) and YOU food lickers. You keep on not eating and leave the crack to the bitches who need it mmmmkkkay. I know I’m taking a risk outing myself here. Ask me if I care? Everyone of you bitches best tell me how good I look next time you see me! Cause that’s the other trickery….I’m down almost 20 pounds (for reference that’s not in fact 20 pounds but it is more than 16 and less than 18- fat math = mad skills) and rarely does anyone notice. For fuck sake! I coulda just stayed fat had I known there wasn’t to be a parade in my honor! I feel I need a Go Fund Me to recoup the cost of all the praise I’m not getting. I’ve had a few people say “I could totally tell. Your face looks thinner.” Thanks bitch. I got a second mortgage on my house so my wrinkles can appear closer than they actually are. Fanfuckinitastic. Or my personal favorite…”I thought something looked different about you.” Yet at almost 20 pounds you couldn’t figure it out? I need smarter friends. What have we learned here? There’s always any easier way to do the hard things. You just have to be smart enough to figure them out and hope your friends aren’t dumb. Good times…