You aren’t going to believe this shit. Whilst I was out and about today, someone had the audacity to tell me I looked skinny. I know. F’d up right? No I was not visiting a home for the blind. That would have been an acceptable reason for said compliment. I literally felt my body pull back and prepare for the peppering of probable reasons this was in fact not true. I keep that info in some random part of my brain that is triggered by such events. Wonder Twin Powers activate….form of Fat Rebuttal! I got mad skills. Anyway, the shock factor kept me from my usual “It’s the outfit. I most certainly do not. Girl ,do you know how much I weigh? I’ve got another 450 to lose.” These sorts of bullet points are always ready to leave the holster when triggered. She looked so genuinely pleased to tell me this, it threw me off. Made me sweat a bit if I’m being honest. Fat sweat is not ideal. Smells like bacon grease and last nights supper. You smelled it didn’t you? Yum. Not saying what’s on my mind is a quality I do not posses. However, I said nothing. Not even thank you. Rude. I know.
Which brings me to my point if I even have one…why can’t we take a compliment? As women our first response is “shoot to kill” any form of flattery. I, myself (same person FYI) believe this to be guilt. Like….I just supersized my Wendy’s combo with a Diet Coke and then someone told me I was skinny. Did they see my at the drive thru and this is their sick way of calling me out? Ah no “Fatastic.” Paranoid party of 1. You see…women… we are always “verging.” Always on the cusp of who we think we should be. Skinnier, more successful, better teeth….pick your pleasure. We “think” everyone can see the struggle laid out before them. The trials. The failures. The aftermath. We wear our blanket of undeservingness proudly for everyone to see. When they don’t, we fear we are naked and afraid and unsure what to say or do. So we grab the holster and start firing.
If there was a jail for Fat Offenders I would be on Death Row. I am a repeat offender with little to no remorse. Well, until today that is. I genuinely “felt”the warmth in the compliment bestowed upon me and it made me stop and think. My first thought was in fact a scary one…. the warmth may have been the veracious gas I’ve been experiencing from the Detox. Luckily a quick sniff set my mind as ease. Those of us with a few extra layers can never be too careful. Once I was in the clear I wanted to say something…anything….that wasn’t my typical response. So I said, “Oh I’ve been sick for the past 2 weeks.” While not what I was going for, it was true and one I’ve never used before. So some progress was made here today. There’s still work to do but we need to celebrate the small successes along the way.
In a perfect world I could have said “Thank you.” But those two words require me to actually believe it …which I do not. “Skinny” is reserved for people who chew their food and spit it out. People who live on jello and Chardonnay (I might be able to pull that off depending on the flavor of the jello). People who’s clothes have single digits. People who can see through their legs when they are closed. I am not “those” people. So if you see me perhaps you could help me out a bit. Instead of going for the Mother-load of compliments let’s ease into “Skinny.” Some suggestions: “Hey you look less fat than the last time I saw you.” “ Your ass looks great in those jeans” – this one is trickery. Fatties like to be told we have a nice ass. We know it’s got more junk than it should but we are ok in this space. Go with it. “Love your hour glass figure.” That’s my jam right there. It means we come in at the middle before it all goes to hell again. As an added bonus it reminds me of my favorite Soap Opera (queue the theme music.”Bababababa) – “These are the Days of our Lives.” IYKYK. So yeh if you could work on the transitional complimenting fatties everywhere will respond in kind. We just aren’t ready for skinny. We may never be. We just want to be skinnier than we are at any given moment. And men say women are crazy….shhhhshhh!